


Pictures

by FragileYetEerie



Category: Kuroshitsuji | Black Butler
Genre: Abusive Parents, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - High School, Borderline Personality Disorder, Bullying, Drug Use, Eating Disorders, M/M, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Harm, Slow Romance, Yaoi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-09-03
Updated: 2018-03-15
Packaged: 2018-04-18 19:33:06
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 17
Words: 79,744
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4717856
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FragileYetEerie/pseuds/FragileYetEerie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's amazing how much one small mistake can change one's life. If only Ciel Phantomhive had never pressed 'send,' maybe then his life wouldn't be such a mess now. Then again, had he never sent those pictures, he might have never gotten the chance to meet Sebastian Michaelis.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A simple mistake

**Author's Note:**

> Hey everyone (:  
> There are not going to be too many notes, but I just want to make some things clear at the beginning.   
> First of all, this fanfiction is going to be dealing with rather dark stuff like bullying, growing up in an abusive household, and lots of emotional stuff. If you are sensitive to to any of the subjects (self harm, eating disorders and violence will be in it) I recommend you read this with caution.   
> However, it's not going to be all dark and depressing and I want to make it clear that I have no intention of making it seem like eating disorders and other mentally illnesses are beautiful or desirable. If you've ever been affected by either, you'll know, and if you don't, let me tell you that it is hell for yourself and the ones dear to you. In this story too, the characters will struggle and try to help each other, just like anyone in reality would.   
> So, now that this is out of the way, enjoy reading and maybe leave some feedback c:   
> Have a beautiful day, everyone~

"Haha, look at that. I mean, it's normal for girls to take nudes, but seriously, as a guy?"

"Are you talking about that kid with the blue hair from our high school, two years or so younger than us?"

"Exactly, can you believe how some 15-year-old boy would do something like this? It's obvious he desperately wants attention though, just look at his hair.. God, if such pictures of me were online, I'd probably throw myself off some bridge or something. I heard that he's gay, too. And someone mentioned that there weren't only pictures but also videos online. "

"Hey Sebastian, look at this", a white haired girl laughed, addressing the boy sitting next to her on the couch. When the older teenager didn't answer, she instead punched his arm playfully, causing the raven to turn around with a scowling face, annoyed at once again being disturbed while listening to music. People just seemed to have that habit of wanting to talk to him exactly then when he didn't feel the need to communicate at all.

Sebastian took off his headphones, red eyes focusing on the bright cell phone display being held right in front of his face, expecting some sort of 'funny' picure Angela found on Facebook or something, like usually. Since the room they were sitting in was rather dark, it took a moment until his eyes fully focused on the screen. It showed a person standing in front of a mirror, taking a picture with their phone.

The first thing he noticed was the bright blue hair, chin length, with some longer locks that almost reached the bony shoulders. The hair looked messy and some of it fell into the heart-shaped face, covering one of the eyes. He then took a closer look at the one visible eye. Its deep blue color matched the hair's. The eye was the only thing that brought some color into the otherwise pale face but if you looked more closely, it became visible that it was swollen and red, as if from crying. Or maybe he had some sort of allergy, Sebastian mused. But the black bags underneath the eye only assisted in making it look like something bad must have happened before the picture had been taken. But then again, maybe he was just reading too much into it.

Sebastian bit his lip. He didn't like the look on the young boy's face at all.. He had never seen a smile that was so obviously fake.

And one second later, as Sebastian's eyes eventually slid down the thin, small body, it became obvious that something was indeed very wrong with the boy in the picture. He was thin, incredibly so, and it looked almost unhealthy. The flat stomach was stained with a few dark spots; bruises, presumably. They didn't look fresh though, it was just a faded hint of blue and purple on otherwise white skin, and they definitely weren't that easy to notice, and yet, they were there, undeniably.

But that wasn't what bothered Sebastian the most when he looked at the picture.

The boy who looked even younger than he himself was completely naked. He automatically let his eyes wander to these long, bony legs before he could stop himself. However, as soon as they moved upwards to the crotch, he forced himself to look away, confusion and shock written all over his face as he looked at his friend questioningly.

"What. The. Hell?" the raven took a deep breath as he noticed that the girl didn't seem to understand the cause of his shock at all.  
He spoke up again, "Angela why are you showing me a picture of some naked, underage boy? Why do you have something like that on your phone in the first place?" He swallowed to get that dry feeling in his throat to go away. It didn't quite work.

"Jeez, what's up with you? That's just some little attention whore from school, why are you freaking out like that? It's not my fault the kid decides to send these pics to everyone," she defended herself, having expected another reaction from the older boy who wasn't known to be all too innocent either. "Besides, it's not like you have never laughed this kind of stuff, why would this be any different now?"

Sebastian looked at her without an expression on his face, red eyes blank. She was right, he himself had never been one to actually defend someone who was being picked on by others. On the contrary, he couldn't necessarily say that it made him proud, but in most cases, he would even be the one who put someone else down. There were two types of people, the hunter and the hunted if you will, and he definitely didn't consider himself a victim of any sort.

But why had his initial reaction to this picture been to defend the small boy with the blue hair? Was it like when a dog instinctively defended a small puppy?

Sebastian cringed at the thought of those animals. He really prefered cats. Besides, the boy had nothing in common with a dog except maybe those puppy eyes.

"Yeah, I just.." it took him a moment to come up with something that his friends would expect him to say, "this is freaking disgusting, you don't have to hold a picture of some anorexic little fag right in front of my face, I really could've done without seeing this, you know?"  
"Aw c'mon, don't you think he's pretty cute?"Ash, Angela's twin brother, asked only to break out into laughter afterwards.

Sebastian chuckled darkly although he didn't think it was funny. What the fuck is wrong with me? Why do I even feel some sort of pity for that guy? This actually is quite laughable, pathetic even.

However, something about this picture had captured Sebastian's attention, he couldn't just brush it off as easily as he usually did.

"But seriously, this guy is from our school? I've never seen him there before and I bet I would've noticed, I mean blue hair isn't that common around here and our school is not that big..", he said, honestly confused as to why he had no clue who the boy was. Their school really wasn't a big one and since all of them lived in a rather rural area, one would expect to have at least seen everyone once, especially when they stood out in the mass of people, which that boy obviously did. Also, Sebastian wasn't the type to forget faces and even if he hadn't had this hair color before, he was pretty sure he would remember at least that.

"Yeah, I've seen him around a few times, usually all by himself though. Well it's not much of a surprise, who'd want to be friends with such a weird guy?" Ash explained, a look of disgust on his face as he talked about the younger teenager.

Sebastian nodded, a thoughtful look on his face.

"Whatever, guys. I think that's been enough slander for today. You know what? It's getting warmer outside, does anyone want to go swimming in the lake this wee end?" Joker, Sebastian's best friend interrupted in a cheerful tone. He always seemed to be in a good mood. Joker was usually the one who organized all the things they did together as a group; be it parties, sleepovers, camping trips or whatever he came up with. He had always been like that, ever since Sebastian could remember; Joker was the one with the ideas and Sebastian was the one who complained about having to socialize at first but always ended up complying and having a good time with his friends.

And easy as that, the redhead had effectively changed the subject and no one wasted another thought on the young teenager as the group chatted about their plans for the weekend.  
No one, except Sebastian who couldn't seem to get this young face with the sullen expression out of his head.

..

‘Maybe he called in sick, it wouldn't be much of a surprise after so many people at school have seen him naked.’

Sebastian still wasn't sure what exactly it was, but somehow the picture of the boy seemed to be burned into his brain, the more he tried not to thing about it, the more it demanded his attention. Needless to say, he had been on edge all week. Sebastian Michaelis did not care about others. He had never been one to worry too much about someone and even when it came to his friends, he couldn't say that he was too concerned with their little problems. Sure, if something serious happened to them he would try and help, but he wasn't anyone's parent and in the end, everyone had to get along without having to rely on other's help.

He briefly wondered if he thought about it that way because his father had been in the army and instead of hearing loving words everyday as a child, he had been told stories about war and how you couldn't have pity with anyone because none of your enemies would pity you either when it came down to it. Yes, maybe it had been some sort of childhood trauma.. Or well, maybe he just wasn't born to be the caring type. Whatever, his father was dead now and dwelling on those old stories didn't exactly help to brighten his mood.

Besides, Sebastian couldn't even say that he cared about the boy. For all he knew,the young boy with the das eyes had awakened some sort of interest in him. Not in a perverted way, it was more that he wanted to know just exactly why the boy had looked so utterly.. broken on the picture. Maybe Sebastian was a bit sadistic or maybe it was just the fact that morbid and broken things somehow appealed to him, whatever it was, there was definitely something to this boy that made him want to know more about him. In the end, he could actually be just another teenager who somehow wanted to get attention by any means necessary, but something told him that this wasn't the case at all.

He really wanted to hit his head against the grey wall next to him.

Sebastian had never been too good at school. Not that he wasn't clever. And he wasn't lazy either. There's a difference between being too lazy to do anything and just not giving a damn about homework assignments and grades. And he could really care less.

The bell rang and Sebastian was actually glad that his negative thoughts were interrupted. He hadn't even bothered to take his stuff out of his bag at the beginning of the lesson and therefore, he didn't have to gather anything. Standing up, the 17-year-old looked out of the window. It looked like it would start raining soon, rain clouds darkening the sky. He couldn't say that he disliked rain, it was more enjoyable than sunshine, that much he knew for sure.

Everyone had already begun chatting with each other, leaving their teacher to try and yell loud enough so everyone would understand what the homework assignment was, but the woman wasn't the authoritarian type and as soon as she noticed that no one even payed attention anyway, she quit even trying and instead picked up her bag and hurried to leave the room. Sebastian watched with a slightly amused expression. How this woman got the idea to teach teenagers for a living, he'd never understand.

He turned back to the look at the others and as he turned to leave, he noticed Joker walking in his direction, the usual smirk on the redhead's lips.

"Sebastian are you gonna come to the cafeteria and eat lunch with us?" he asked, motioning to the others who usually hung out with them.

"Yeah but I'm gonna go outside first to get some fresh air before the rain starts, I'll be there in ten minutes or so. My head hurts a little," the raven explained, not wanting to reject his friend. But he really did need a few minutes alone and some cold, fresh air wouldn't hurt either.

"Okay, see you then," the other waved but Sebastian had already walked past him, making his way through the crowded hallways. Well, there weren't even that many people but not being in the best of moods, there were still enough for him to feel annoyed by them. Like he would drown if he had to spend another minute in that building with all these people. He inwardly cursed that blue haired boy for messing with his head so much, Sebastian just really wanted to know the story behind the picture, the story behind the boy. Or at the very least, he wanted to know his name. But he hadn't known whom to ask and besides, it might have come across the wrong way if he asked for the name of a boy who he'd only ever seen naked on a picture.  
Sebastian left the old building and made his way through the almost empty schoolyard and past the parking lot. Their school was situated right next to the forest and since it hadn't rained yet, the raven haired boy decided to sit in the grass with his back leaned against a rather tall tree, facing the fields and the forest nearby. He shortly debated on listening to music but decided against it, finding to quietness way too enjoyable. He closed his eyes tiredly and sighed as a cool breeze caressed his skin. Somewhere behind him on the parking lot he could hear voiced but he didn't pay them any mind. All the underage smokers usually gathered there, convinced that nobody would find out about it. Sebastian almost chuckled at the thought. How utterly ridiculous.

He let his eyes drift back to the forest. The trees had just turned green again after a rather cold winter and it was refreshing to see some color outside, not just black and white.  
..

"Hey, what the hell are you doing here again? I thought you'd left the school?" a large boy with dark brown hair yelled aggressively.

‘If someone says something mean, just look straight ahead and walk past them. Do nothing to provoke them, please.’ Elizabeth's words echoed in Ciel's mind as he made his way over the school's parking lot, hugging himself tightly in order to not freeze to death. How was it still so cold in April? He tried to not think about the group of teenagers standing just a few feet away as he got closer to the school entrance. He tried to ignore the comment. How had these guys even recognized him that fast?

He was wearing an oversized, black hoodie, the hood effectively covering his oddly colored hair. He had definitely thought about just dying it a more subtle color again, but in all honesty, what difference would it even make? It was not like everyone would just forget about what had happened just because he'd spontaneously decide to fall in line. On the contrary. Pretty much any obvious change he'd make at the moment was just another potential reason for the others to put him down. So his hair would stay as it was for now.

"Hey, we're talking to you!"

Ciel bit his lower lip and closed his eyes as he tried to get away from them, making larger steps and hurrying to get out of their reach, but it was to no avail.

Of course. Just 10 more seconds and he would have been on school grounds, which didn't exactly guarantee safety either but there would have been people around probably and maybe then nothing would have happened. But it was not like Ciel had such luck, he never seemed to, in fact. A pair of hands had already grabbed him from behind, and not too gently, either.

He was being spun around until he faced the boys, some his age, some older than him. All of them taller, naturally.

"Well, but I wasn't talking to you, so you'd better let me go this instant," he spat, not intending on backing down now that he knew he was most likely going to be beaten up anyway. Ciel had always had the habit of acting strong when he really wasn't.

The others faked a shocked expression and out of nowhere, a fist hit the pale face, hard, making the hood fall off the young boy's head. Ciel instinctively raised a hand to touch his face where he had been hit, angry tears threatening to overflow from big, blue eyes. He closed his eyes and let out a shaky breath, pink lips slightly parted. He didn't want to cry, he really didn't. But the shock of the sudden hard fist hitting his face had been way too sudden for him to control his tears any longer. Before he knew, a steady flow of hot tears was running down his face and Ciel clenched his fists, more than angry at himself.

The boys who had by now all gathered around him started laughing at the display of the young boy, who had been talking back to them just a few moments ago, now crying.

"Oh god, you're such a fucking faggot," a blonde boy from Ciel's class laughed at him and the others joined in.

"Shut up. Don't call me that," Ciel whispered quietly, but loud enough for the boys to hear him it seemed, as he was greeted with another fist, this time hitting his mouth, making the bitter taste of iron appear on his tongue.

And then, another fist followed, aiming for his stomach instead of his head this time and making the small boy hiss in pain as he leaned forward to hug his stomach. On his thin body, the punches had even more of an effect and he almost blacked out due to the pain as another brunette kicked him in the stomach this time, barely missing his head since he was still leaning down and somewhat curled in on himself.

Breathing didn't come to him quite as easily anymore and Ciel feared he might get an asthma attack soon if they'd continue on with this.

"I don't think you're in the position to tell us to shut up, you little disgusting piece of shit, you understand?" Another blow in his stomach followed and Ciel was pretty sure there were going to be quite a few bruises, hopefully no broken rip or anything. The group laughed again and even if he had tried to ignore it before, there was no mistaking it now. A certain male's laughter within the crowd had him closing his eyes tightly, not even wanting to see the other. That much for not backing down. He'd been beaten up before but for some reason, he couldn't seem to deal with this combination of emotional and physical pain. A strong arm then pushed him and, being the lightweight he was, Ciel immediately lost balance and fell, hitting the ground with a painful thud, the hoodie thankfully cushioning his fall a little but it sure didn't help a lot. With one last kick in his stomach, the boys went off, leaving a barely conscious Ciel laying there on the cold concrete. Tears were now flowing down his face freely once again and his body involuntarily jerked with violent sobs.  
..

To say that Sebastian hadn't been astonished by the small boy's answers would have been a lie. Despite his quiet, feminine voice, he had actually been talking back to a group of at least eight taller boys.

At first, Sebastian had just listened to the conversation taking place behind him, not caring too much whether some idiots got into a fight or not. But somehow, the sound of a punch followed by a quiet sobbing had stirred something inside him. And before he knew it, his eyes were once again focused on the person he had been trying to get out of his mind for the last few days. He could only see a part of that pale face and some of the blue hair that looked even brighter in the daylight, since the view was blocked by some of the taller boys, having circled the small figure. The boy wasn't looking in Sebastian's direction and nobody else seemed to have noticed him standing in the grass not too far away, watching the scene unfold.

Sebastian wasn't sure what to do. Something inside told him that he had to help the boy, but at the same time, he hated the fact that he felt that way. It wasn’t like him, he wasn't some over protective mother hen and besides, he didn't know the boy at all. Also, he had gotten himself into that trouble by talking back to them, or so Sebastian told himself as he regarded the boys punching him until someone eventually pushed him and the teenager fell to the floor. Something about the sound made Sebastian snap out of his trance as he realized what he had just let happen.

He could have stopped them, he could have even brushed it off as nothing but being nice, nobody would have to know that it would have had to do more with the boy who was being assaulted rather than with Sebastian's strong sense of justice or anything. But he hadn't. And only now as the boy lay there on the cold floor, sobbing quietly, he actually decided to help. Well, if he could even help him anymore now.

Sebastian carefully put one foot in front of the other, eyes locked on the mess these guys had made out of the blue haired teenager, as he walked in the boys direction. He had never been good at comforting people and for a short moment, Sebastian pondered turning around and walking away. Maybe the boy would be alright without his help. Maybe he would even be better off without his help. 

But when a drop of rain hit his face, followed by another, he took this as a clue that he couldn't just let the smaller one lay there in the cold, especially if it would start raining more now.

As he reached the tiny body, Sebastian still had no clue what exactly he was supposed to do or how he was supposed to help. When the boy didn't react, either not having heard the footsteps approaching him, or having chosen to ignore them, Sebastian did the first thing he could think of.

He nudged him gently, an uncharacteristic thing for Sebastian to do.

The boy lay with his face down, seemingly having turned around, and no longer in the position he was in immediately after falling. Blue hair hung down the sides of his face, blocking the view of his face. The oversized hoodie looked more of a greyish color now, covered in dust from laying on the street. It must have been several sizes too big as the boy seemed to be practically drowning in the dark fabric. Sebastian once again remembered the picture; the boy really was way too thin and having him laying there right in front of him, it seemed even more noticable. Or maybe the picture had been taken some time ago and the boy had actually lost more weight since then? However, now wasn't the time to question such things, Sebastian mused.

The boy had yet to react to his touch and for a second, Sebastian feared the worst. He instantly reached out to lay a hand flat on the clothed back, relieved when he felt the body moving underneath his touch. Of course, it wasn't that noticable, he was after all touching his back and not his chest, but the boy was breathing steadily.

Sebastian let out the breath he had been holding up until now. A mumbled voice caught his attention and the black haired boy was so startled for a moment that he didn't even know whose it was. He looked around, they were all alone. But wasn't the boy unconscious?

As if to confirm that he wasn't, the smaller of the two spoke up again, his voice small and barely audible, and Sebastian had to lean closer to the boy's face in order to understand the last few words of what he was saying.

"..off my back, it hurts you idiot."

His hand was removed from the boy's back so fast, it almost looked like he had burned it and pulled it away out of reflex.

"I'm sorry, I just.." Sebastian trailed off, not knowing what to say. What was he even doing here? What could he say?  
"Are you alright?" he asked, as if he couldn't tell by looking at the boy that he was definitely not alright.

Silence followed and Sebastian almost feared that he wouldn't even get an answer.

"Who are you?" the words weren't quite as hard to understand this time, but the voice still didn't sound like that of the boy who had gotten into a verbal fight with the others earlier, at all.

"My name's Sebastian. Sebastian Michaelis. And you are..?" the taller of the two asked smoothly.  
“What do you want from me?" the response came and the sound of those harsh words spoken with a hard voice that didn't seem to belong to a broken little boy anymore, slightly surprised Sebastian.

The younger of the two carefully turned to his side, deciding that he wouldn't be able to stand up yet. He tried to hold back a whine as his whole body seemed to protest against the movement. Those big eyes were shut tightly in pain but Sebastian could recognize the face from the photo nonetheless. Even though this time, someone had made quite the mess out of it. Those pale lips were partially covered in blood, which also ran down the side of his face. The rather thin, small nose had started bleeding too, covering even more parts of the white, soft looking skin in crimson.  
A few tiny raindrops were visible in the oddly colored hair, slowly running downwards.

Sebastian could only stare as those eyes slowly fluttered open, and he felt like he was looking straight into the saddest eyes in the whole world. Maybe it was because of that deep blue color, maybe it was because the boy had been crying for quite some time now, whatever it was, the hurt in them was so obvious that the boy's attempt to pull off an indifferent face after his eyes had shortly widened to an almost comical extent, was quite futile in Sebastian's opinion.

The second Ciel had opened his eyes, he had been utterly shocked. Of all people, he wouldn't have expected the boy kneeling in front of him to look like this. It was not like he really knew the older teenager with the black hair and those oddly colored eyes, he had just seen him around sometimes, but he would have never expected someone older than him, and not to mention someone rather popular, as far as he knew, to even bother and look at him as he lay there, bleeding on the parking lot like a slaughtered animal. Was the guy one of the boys who had been beating him up minutes ago? Did he have a bad conscience now or something? Why didn't he answer?

After an initial moment of shock, Ciel tried to put on his mask of indifference again, not wanting to appear even weaker in front of whoever this Sebastian was than he already did. Probably.

"I don't want anything, I saw you laying on the floor and didn't know if you were even alive or not, so I thought it might be a good idea to see if you're alright," Sebastian explained, the slightest bit of sarcasm in his voice. He could understand why the boy wouldn't trust someone who just came along after probably being bullied for some time now.. It wouldn't make sense to expect the boy to even trust him the tiniest bit. However, the fact that he actually didn't have any hidden motive or second thought this time, but that the boy had still assumed so, would have made him upset if it wasn't for the look on that face as the boy seemed to understand what he had said and his expression softened, or maybe Sebastian just convinced himself that it had.

"So, you don't know who I am?" the younger asked, his mood seeming to have actually changed a lot within just a few seconds. Despite the blood and dirt all over his face, he looked almost happy as those words left his mouth. If Sebastian didn't know any better, he'd probably say that there was an almost hopeful expression on his face, as though the boy hadn't expected anyone at their school to not have heard of what had happened. It had to be an awful feeling to be so vulnerable and exposed to everyone around, it's only likely that you'd hold onto the tiniest bit of hope that someday, it would stop. Well, Sebastian really didn't know a lot about the extent of what had happened, but he sure as hell had seen the photo.

However, looking back into that heart shaped face, he couldn't bring himself to actually say it out loud.

"No, I don't think I've seen you before. And to be honest, I would probably remember you. Don't get this wrong, but you aren't that easy to overlook."


	2. Crimson and dark blue

No, I don't think I've seen you before. And to be honest, I would probably remember you. Don't get this wrong, but you aren't that easy to overlook."

Ciel stayed quiet for a moment, a sour expression on the young, wounded face. Of course he wasn't easy to overlook, and now that he was well known amongst his peers for none too positive reasons, he really didn't consider standing out too much of a positive thing anymore either. His big blue eyes seemed to look right through Sebastian with a sad expression and the raven briefly wondered what shade of blue he would use if he were to draw these eyes. Navy blue wouldn't be bright enough and Azure would be a little too colorful. Maybe royal blue? Or maybe I could just mix them together?

Not that he actually wanted to draw him, he was just wondering.

With Sebastian's heavy gaze on him, Ciel wasn't sure whether he was supposed to say something or not. The silence wasn't too bad but it felt like so much needed to be said right now. It would only be a matter of time until Sebastian would hear about what Ciel had done or he might even see one of the pictures that he himself had taken not too long ago, blinded by fear and panic, not thinking of the consequences. It was only weeks ago but to Ciel it felt like years had passed since then. Somehow, everything had changed so tragically within these weeks that whatever had happened before was of little importance to him anymore. Weeks ago, Ciel hadn't been that nervous when he had talked to people. It had been easy to keep up the mask of indifference towards the majority of his peers and, along with it, keep distance from them simply because he knew that by the end of the day, they probably won't spare him another thought. As long as you're boring to them, as long as you don't provide a funny story, they don't care about you too much. That thought had always helped to calm him down if just a little. But sure as hell, talking to people or having people do so much as look at him, wasn't an easy thing to endure anymore at all.

By now, Ciel Phantomhive wasn't just some prude, boring wallflower anymore. On the contrary. Everyone knew him, and yet no one really did. And the bluenette hadn't been as naive as to believe that things would stay as they were before this incident. When he had first heard people joking about him, he had convinced himself that he was being paranoid. How could anyone have seen the pictures? But they had. And he had never expected that the harsh comments, the beatings and the whispering wherever he went would last for more than two weeks. But it had, too. And now, laying in the floor in front of Sebastian, the young boy didn't know what to say.

"Do you not talk to people? Or are you lying to me?" The words came out more roughly than intended and seemed to hit Sebastian right in the face. Yes, he had been lying and he didn't talk to too many people. So what? Deciding to play innocent, he smoothly answered, "Do you want to tell me you're famous or something? Or are you just overly confident, kid?" He didn't miss the way Ciel winced at the word famous and it was only after Sebastian had spoken these words that he noticed their bitter irony of them.

Famous indeed, not for the best reasons though... Sebastian really wasn't the sentimental type.

"My name is Ciel. Ciel Phantomhive," no further explanation was given from Ciel's side.

"Okay then, Ciel. You look pretty bad and I'm not sure what exactly happened to you (another lie), but maybe we should get you to the infirmary. Believe it or not but I actually thought you might be unconscious or dead just a few moments ago, plus your face is covered in blood and.. dirt," the raven explained with a forced smile and brushed a lock of blue hair out of his face. It stuck to the dirty skin as if to prove his point.

However, he didn't expect a panicked, "No!" and a small, pale hand gripping his shirt tightly only to push the raven away all of a sudden, followed by a short coughing fit. He moved his hand away as though he had burned his skin and looked at the other, eyes wide. As soon as the younger boy realized just how obviously strange his reaction had been, he let his hand drop on the cool asphalt and concentrated on breathing properly, the tiniest blush appearing on his face, barely noticable due to the red blood that still covered large parts of it. Sebastian was quite sure that those bruises wouldn't disappear anytime soon.

He crossed his arms in front of his chest and eyed the mess of a boy in front of him questioningly. Honestly, Sebastian wasn't completely sure what he had done to cause this outburst.

"So then, are you like, scared of people touching you or something?" he asked amusedly, mouth working faster than his brain. Before Sebastian knew, a small chuckle had left his lips, his usual charming personality showing. He frowned a second later. 'Maybe I should just stop feeling guilty every time I say something that might somehow be related to that thing with the photos of his. It's not like he knows that I know. It's not like I'd care if he did.'

The boy answered with nothing but a cold stare and a mumbled, almost inaudible, "Not everyone likes being touched by jerks."

"Did you just call me a jerk?"

Ciel simply rolled his eyes, doing his best at looking like he wasn't in pain as he lifted himself up from the ground to sit properly.

"Yes I did, and you should really learn to think before you speak, you jerk," Ciel answered, sounding more exhausted than a boy his age should. He sounded deeply tired. Sebastian didn't know what to say for a moment. This boy certainly was an interesting teenager. Having such a big mouth right after being beaten up, it was almost comical.. in a sad way. 'He's just making things harder for himself with that attitude...'

"Way to talk to someone who went out of their way to help you, Ciel. Besides, you're the one with the potty mouth here, don't you think?" he smirked as Ciel suddenly became uncomfortable with looking directly into his eyes. His eyes focused on something in the distance instead.

"I didn't ask for help."

As these words left his mouth, he didn't sound angry, nor exhausted. But utterly lost, as if he'd accidentally spaced out while speaking.

"You don't want my help then?"

"I don't need you to help me. I'm fine," the boy answered curtly, his voice sounding strained as he stood up, standing on weak legs that were visibly shaking. He spit on the floor and it left a red stain. Then, he wiped his mouth with his sleeve, looking disgusted. "Okay?"

Sebastian stood up as well, and only when he was standing in front of the other did he really noticed their height difference. The boy wasn't only thin, but extremely small too. Coupled with his doll like face, he looked way younger than he actually was, not at all like the other boys his age. Most of them either had those lanky bodies, their legs being too long and their proportions extremely messed up, or they were overweight with broad shoulders. Not this boy, despite the unusually thin and bony look, everything generally seemed to fit just fine. It was hard to explain, especially since Sebastian had practically seen the body in front of him naked and he didn't want to feel like a total creep staring at his body now.

"So, you're not going to the infirmary then?" he asked again, feeling unsure about leaving Ciel all by himself in his current state.

"No, I'm not."

"Why not?"

"I hate nurses, doctors,.. all of them. Having them look at me like I'm some interesting little experiment, having them touch me," he sighed, as if recalling a memory.

"Did you have a bad experience with a doctor or anything?" Sebastian went on, asking another question, not really understanding Ciel's problem with doctors. Sure, it was never too pleasant to visit them but still, it wasn't that bad either, was it? Or was he being insensitive again?

"I had asthma as a child. I guess it classifies as childhood trauma. Being dragged from doctor to doctor, I've always hated it," whilst speaking, the boy coughed loudly. He then turned away, "But I'm going home, goodbye Sebastian."

Sebastian wanted to ask whether the boy really was okay and whether he still suffered from asthma, but before he got the chance to, Ciel had already walked away and disappeared behind a corner. 'That was fast, he could barely stand moments ago.. And that coughing...'

However, he didn't get the opportunity to further think about the boy's strange behavior, his thoughts were interrupted by a group of people with rather loud voices. He didn't need to look at the people leaving the school's ground to know just who exactly they were. After all, those were the ones who had been beating a defenseless (it was strange to Sebastian, using this adjective to describe Ciel when the boy himself seemed to try anything just so he wouldn't appear weak) boy. Not just any boy either, the boy that had plagued his brain for the last few days because of those goddamn photos everyone knew you shouldn't send to anyone if you didn't want them leaked. The boy who had been beaten up and whom he had let go all by himself while he was practically coughing up blood. 'God damnit, stop worrying, Sebastian,' he scolded himself.

Looking over to the group of about 10 people he found them to be chatting a bit too loudly and feeling a bit too smug for his liking. Not like he'd try to pick a fight with all of them right now, he wasn't that much of an idiot. Although, he might win... He wasn't proud to say that he knew all of those guys by name. Neither was he proud that one of them was his half brother, Claude. Sebastian wasn't sure whether Claude had decided to join those guys simply because he himself was an idiot or whether they had seen some sort of idiocy potential in him and contacted him or whatever, but it didn't matter. Ever since Claude had started hanging out with those guys, even being in the same room with Claude had become more than exhausting. Luckily, his elder half brother practically lived at his girlfriend's apartment with her and barely even showed up at home anymore. He was not sure what exactly Claude saw in Hannah (other than her boobs of course), the girl was well known for sleeping around and breaking innocent guy's hearts, but somehow, their relationship had lasted for three months already. And for both, Hannah and Claude, that must have been their longest relationship yet. Sebastian wasn't that sure though, he had never been one to talk about such things, especially not with his half brother.

"I seriously thought he'd still lay here, it's a shame," one of them said, sounding seriously disappointed.

"Yeah, sounds like him to just run away. Faggot. Well, he'll come back, he has to. He can't just skip all of his classes, after all." The group agreed, like a pack of dogs being assured that they'll get their food soon.

"Do you guys want to go to the Undertaker's and have a beer or two?"

At this, Sebastian's eyes widened slightly and he turned to look at the group who still hadn't noticed him. He walked right past them without another thought and turned right, following the street on which Ciel had left barely two minutes ago with quick steps. Sebastian was not sure what exactly this feeling was, but something told him that it might be for the best to go and see whether Ciel had already made his way home or not. He wouldn't have followed him if it weren't for the fact that Claude and his friends wanted to go to the Undertaker's, a bar located basically in the middle of the village. And with the few streets here, it would be more than likely that they'd bump into the small boy if he really wasn't home yet. No matter how much of an insensitive guy Sebastian was, he wouldn't let that happen.

The raven looked around, scanning the deserted street for the mob of blue hair. He wondered where Ciel lived and why he had never seen him around... if he had actually been living here for a long time, that is. Maybe the boy had moved here at some point? He wondered too why Ciel hadn't wanted his help. Did it have something to do with keeping his pride or what? 'Or does it have something to do with not wanting my help specifically?' 

He hurried a little, walking past the school, past some small gardens and past the old, romanesque church. Looking at the the flowerbeds filled with roses of different colors, some red, some dark purple and some black with a blue shimmer, he almost failed to see the lithe figure sitting on the stairs, curled up into something resembling a ball. Thin arms were wrapped protectively around his legs. Ciel's head rested on his knees, blue hair hanging from his head and covering his whole face. 'Like a curled up little kitten,' Sebastian couldn't help but think. The body was trembling and Sebastian was sure that, if he'd get to look at the boy's face, swollen red eyes and a waterfall of salty tears would be visible.

It was rather depressing, seeing Ciel like this. So apparently, the act of indifference really was only that. An act.

Sebastian took another few steps and neared the smaller teenager. Somehow, it felt wrong getting closer to the boy while he was too busy crying to even notice. It gave Sebastian the same feeling he'd had after looking at that picture, like a more than private thing was happening in front of his eyes, and yet, he just couldn't stay away. He felt like he was invading the boy's space once again, and this time Ciel would notice.

Not making a sound, Sebastian placed his tall body beside the smaller one, not so close that it would cause too much discomfort, but close enough to feel somewhat capable of helping to calm the boy down with his presence. 'Or convincing myself of that.' He just sat there and looked at the hair that didn't seem quite as vibrant as he remembered it to be, it looked darker now. Colder, somehow.

The heavy breathing calmed down a little after a minute or so of just sitting there beside Ciel, unsure what to do. It was only when someone passed by and Sebastian's staring was interrupted, that he remembered the reason he even came to search for the boy.

"Ciel?"

He didn't flinch, in fact Ciel didn't seem at all surprised as Sebastian addressed him, which shortly left Sebastian wondering whether Ciel just was a really observant person, even in such a situation, or whether he himself was the exact opposite of observant. He seriously hadn't been sure whether the boy had even noticed him or not.

"It's to much to explain right now, just come with me for a few minutes. I'm not doing anything weird, okay?"

As the other raised his head and looked at him with what could only be described as utter mistrust in those teary eyes, Sebastian didn't even wait for an answer. He just grabbed to boy's arm, destroying the atmosphere of time having stopped that had existed until moments ago, and pushed him to stand on his feet. A look of discomfort crossed Ciel's face and the boy flinched. Sebastian ignored it.

"What are you doing? Hey, leave me alo-"

"Shut up," Sebastian interrupted the boy's whining and he pulled the younger, who was unable to properly defend himself against someone with as much strength as Sebastian, along through the garden none too gently and on the parking lot behind the church in a hurry.

Ciel used his whole strength to try and break free from his grip but it was to no avail until Sebastian deemed the area safe and let go, almost causing Ciel to lose his balance and fall on the ground. If it weren't for Sebastian's fast, cat-like reflexes, at least. Before the boy could hit the ground, he had gripped his hoodie, causing him to stand, albeit on shaky legs.

Ciel looked him in the eye, dead serious, with the most accusing look he could manage. "What was all of that about, you moron?"

Sebastian took a deep breath. "You can thank me once your temper is tamed, and just so you know, I just saved your ass."

"Don't drag me around like a fucking psychopath and then tell me to calm down!" He rubbed his temples like it would help him somehow. "Now, could you explain this to me and be a bit more precise, please?" He half ordered, half asked, only now remembering to wipe away his tears from before.

"Shut up for a moment and I'll tell you, okay?"

A small nod followed, and Sebastian took a deep breath.

"Very well. You were beaten up minutes ago. The guys who did it came back and searched for you and they're passing by in a minute or two and I'm sure you wouldn't have enjoyed being punched to death or whatever. Precise enough?"

"And why exactly would you want to help me? It's not like you're my-"

"A simple thank you would have been enough, you know?"

The boy crossed his arms in front of his chest, breathing heavily, looking more than exasperated.

"Fine. Thank you. So, do you think it's safe now? I kind of really want to be at home right now and I have no intention of standing on this parking lot for hours until the group of idiots has passed by. I'm not feeling too good, you know?"

The fact that the boy had just admitted to being weak almost caused a look of shock to cross the Sebastian's face. He eyed him with a smirk on his pale face.

"If you're leaving now I'm coming with you," he declared, leaving no room for questions or complaints.

Blue eyes widened, just to narrow a second later, pink lips pulled down into a bitter expression.

"I don't get it. What do you want from me? Do you want me to be in your dept or something? I'm not a 10-year-old, Sebastian, I can walk the 500 feet to my house by myself." He looked away.

"I don't know about you, but if I find someone on the ground, bleeding and crying, I somehow feel like it's my duty to at least do something. Especially if they refuse to see a doctor."

"I wasn't crying, I simply had trouble breathing."

"Sure," Sebastian smirked at the boy who had chosen to ignore the main message in what he had just said, "so come on now, and hurry a bit, you want to be at home as fast as possible, remember? And I don't need to waste more time than necessary on this."

A somehow annoyed and somewhat insecure expression appeared on Ciel's face. "Then don't waste your time on me, it's not like you're getting anything in return. You don't even need to feel bad, I'm fine. I don't need any more help."

Sebastian eyed him, unfazed. 'Why do you want to keep me from coming with you so badly?' he wondered.

Sebastian Michaelis had a lot of personality traits that wouldn't necessarily be considered positive by everyone. One of them was his stubbornness.

"Stop talking and let's go, okay? What direction?"

The boy didn't say another word, noticing how it was useless to try and change Sebastian's opinion.

He just started walking into the direction they had come from, crossing the small church garden without turning around to see whether Sebastian was following him or not. Which he was, of course.

Even as the boy crossed the street, Sebastian didn't receive the slightest bit of attention, an entirely new position for him to be in. Usually, he had others following him around if anything. 'This is it. I have willingly let this boy put me in the position of a dog.' He shuddered, thinking about how filthy and dumb dogs were in his opinion.

As they continued to walk, things didn't change. Ciel walked ahead, at a surprisingly fast pace for such small legs, Sebastian noticed. The younger felt red eyes stare at him and he couldn't help but feel a bit uncomfortable. He tried to hide it, but obviously attention wasn't something he enjoyed as much as others seemed to. The closer they got to his home, the worse it felt to have someone with him. He felt nervous, anxious even. Or maybe it was just the head injury from earlier that made him feel a bit dizzy. Ciel wasn't completely sure.

"We're almost there, I can walk the rest by myself," as Ciel spoke those words he already knew they would be ignored. He still wasn't completely convinced with Sebastian's reasoning for following him but he wasn't in the mood to make a scene either. Besides, it was not like he could do anything if Sebastian really was set on accompanying him. The raven was a lot taller and, quite surely, a whole lot stronger than him.

They neared the end of the village, with only a few houses left on either side of the street. Sebastian eyed them and guessed which one would be the one Ciel lived in. The houses were small, some looking new and a few looking quite rundown. Nearby, the forest began.

As the boy turned to walk to the front door of one of the houses, Sebastian began to understand why he didn't like showing others where he lived.

The house was old, that much was sure. However, it was not the nice kind of old, it was not old fashioned or elegant. Rather than that, the outside looked like it was in need of a renovation more than anything, ivy having began to grow on it, making the walls look like they might just fall apart at some point in the future. The garden was quite the mess and it looked like it hadn't been taken care of properly in a long time. Somehow, Ciel didn't have the appearance of a person living under such conditions at all. But apparently, he did. 

As the boy suddenly stood still, his head turned so he didn't have to look at anything but the asphalt in front of his feet as he spoke.

"We're there. Thanks for helping me earlier, Sebastian. I'll see you?"

The way he didn't even look him in the eye had Sebastian swallow for a second before answering. "It's nothing. Take care, Ciel," he spoke, "and if you ever need help or something, just tell me." Those nice words felt weird and yet natural as they left Sebastian's mouth. Ciel had already entered the house as the sentence was finished. Sebastian stood still for another few seconds and eyed the house for a few more moments, noticing how all the curtains were closed for some weird reason.

As Sebastian made his way back to the school, he thought about the mess of a boy he had encountered today. Ciel Phantomhive. The boy who the whole school had seen naked. The one with the blue hair and the intense eyes.  
And somehow, he had even more questions than he had before.


	3. Relapses

Having just entered the house, Ciel almost collapsed, leaning against the door in order to keep his balance. He should have really have just stayed at home, how foolish of him to think that he could just go back to school like that. Of course they hadn't forgotten yet. As if they ever would.

The boy took a moment to listen carefully in order to find out whether or not his father was at home. When no sound was to be heard, he slowly got on his feet again. Thankfully, he'd have at least some peace, he figured and sighed softly. At least it didn't feel like his legs were about to give in any second anymore. The beating had really taken a toll on his body and maybe, just maybe, it was actually a good thing that Sebastian had accompanied him on his way home, otherwise things might have turned out a lot worse. Possibly. 

Heading for the bathroom, Ciel wondered, 'why does it feel like I know this Sebastian guy from somewhere?' But he eventually just shrugged it off. They went to the same school after all, it was not much of a miracle that he seemed familiar, and Ciel could easily tell that Sebastian had it easy at school. He looked like the type of person girls would run after, and guys wanted to be friends with. 

The cold water felt refreshingly nice on his skin as Ciel began the task of ridding his face of the dried blood and the dirt that stuck to it. 'How utterly disgusting.'  
Once finished, Ciel looked into the mirror again, despising the weak creature that was his reflection. Dull blue eyes looked back at him, almost mocklingly. He could tell that his face had sunk in pretty much within the last weeks. He had used to look healthier.

Another sigh left his mouth as he began to search the bathroom for his makeup. Yes, makeup. It wasn't like he enjoyed wearing it, but he had learned that it could actually help a whole lot when it came to covering bruises, escpecially those in the face. After a good five minutes of searching, he found the make up undeneath various other things. The bathroom was messy to say the least. And so was the rest of the house. When he had first moved in with his father, he had tried to clean up a little every once in a while, but by now, he had given up on that. Why bother when it takes less than two days until everything looks the same again? 

Ciel applied just a little bit of the pale makeup on the most visible wounds and made sure it looked natural, too. Once satisfied, he gave one last look to the image of a tiny blue haired boy in the mirror. He looked okay. Or rather, as okay as he could. Still worse than the average person on a bad day, probably.

Unsure what to do, Ciel wandered through the house aimlessly, spontaneously heading for the kitchen in the end. His stomach hurt and he had the usual dizzy feeling he always had when he ate too little. 'But do I really want to eat something right now?'

Inside the kitchen, it was a bit less messy than in the rest of the house, but that didn't mean that there weren't about 20 more or less empty bottles lined up inside the small room. He stepped over them carefully so he wouldn't break anything. Inside the refrigerator, there wasn't so much food that Ciel could really say he had a choice. If he wanted to eat anything, it would probably be a slice of bread with either butter or, if he was lucky, a bit of honey or something. Again, he could see his reflection, as he stood in front of the fridge that was made out of some cheap, shiny metal. He cringed.  
'Ugh, god.'

Looking at the fridge for another few moments, he eventually changed his mind. The thought of eating just made him feel sick right now. It repulsed him. He instead took a glass and filled it with tap water. As he sipped on his drink, he could feel the water calming down his throat that strangely seemed to be quite dry. 

Ciel decided to not stay at home and wait for his father to return. Instead, he searched the usual drawer in the kitchen for his father's cigarettes and took them with him. 'He'll forget that he even bought new ones in the first place,' Ciel convinced himself. His father indeed often forgot about such small, insignificant things. Ever since his parents' divorce, Ciel had really had a hard time looking up to the man. He honestly couldn't say that he was much of a father figure to him. There was no bond between them, no respect from Ciel's side. His father was nothing but somebody to be afraid of, especially when in a bad mood.  
Trying no to think about it, the boy just looked forward to spending some time outside, alone. Somewhere where he wouldn't be disturbed by anybody. And he already had a place in mind.  
..

The greenish blue water, the small trees and the lack of any sort of sound instantly made Ciel feel calm. 

In the forest nearby his house, there stood the remains of what looked like it had once been a rather nice garden where a family could spend their free time. That must have been years ago though, for he had never once met someone here, the place seemed forgotten, run down... But above all, it was beautiful. In the old garden, there grew a lot of white roses, which were Ciel's favorite of all the plants here, he had decided. They looked so out of place, something so delicate and easily destroyable that contrasted starkly against the deep green grass and the tall, unshakable trees. It would be so easy for an animal or a human to trample the flower and they probably wouldn't even notice what they had just destroyed. What a typically human thing to do that would be. 

He tore his gaze away from the flowers, choosing to look at the lake instead. Ciel's favorite spot in the garden sure as hell was on the old oak tree that for some reason had not grown straight, but instead it hovered over the water, creating the perfect seat. He took one cigarette out, lighting it as bored eyes scanned over the landscape. 

As he took a drag, he let his mind wander.  
Nowadays, it was usual for him to think about the mistake he had made by pressing 'send' after those humiliating pictures had been taken. It was his own fault he had to deal with all of this now. The laughing, the violence.. The disgust; all of it were effects that had to be reckoned with and yet, it still was harsh. More often than not, Ciel wasn't even sure whether it all even hurt him anymore or not. 

Understanding his own emotions had never been his strength and with everything that was going on in his life at the moment, there were just so many emotions to handle that it sometimes seemed like he didn't feel any of them properly anymore at all. It was as if he just couldn't tell what was even really going on inside his own mind, if that made any sense.  
No one his age should feel the constant need to go back to the old, the better times. 

'No one my age should want to die either..' 

As he sat there, spacing out, the boy thought about his future. His fate was already decided; no matter where he'd go, no matter what he'd do, there was no escaping it. His past mistakes were like two hands tightening around his throat, never letting go and only grabbing him more firmly if he'd try to get way. 

Everyone had seen his body. After years of always being the awkward, the unsociable child, the one everyone laughed at, he had finally managed to blend in with the mass. He hadn't been extraordinary, he hadn't been weird. He had been normal. People had left him alone.

Then, he had made one mistake.

Now, he was anything but normal. Kids his age, older and younger people mocked him, laughing at his 'attention seeking behavior', laughing at his body. Laughed because of his sexuality.

His body, Ciel understood, was something to laugh at in his opinion. The shape of it was anything but nice to look at, his skin was pale, white almost. His statue was laughable and his weight was too high considering his small body, at least thats whay he had convinced himself of. Or rather than that, that's what people had told them and the most hurtful thing about it had been that it was in fact true. Ciel believed, or rather than that, he knew that he had no reason at all to be proud of his body. He was a weird person through and through, too weak to even fit into the crowd.  
'If only I could get out of this body, if I could start anew, maybe then everything would be better.' 

Of course he couldn't do that. No one could. His hand gripped his leg tightly, almost shaking.

'You'll end up just like your father,' the words his mother had screamed at him some time ago, after a violent fight with Vincent, rang through his ears again. 

Before he knew what he was doing, a stinging pain tore through his body, making his eyes tear up and his heart race. That something as tiny as a burning cigarette pressed onto cold skin could cause such a sharp pain to suddenly take over your body and silence every little thought inside your head was quite hard to understand. Especially for those who had never experienced it before.  
Ciel,however, had. 

A silent sigh left his mouth as his thin arms wrapped around his legs, his head sinking onto his knees. ' Not again.'

..  
Red eyes widened slightly in surprise as Sebastian walked into the direction of his and his mothers' house.  
"Hello, my pretty girl, what exactly are you doing here outside?"

Within seconds, the small white kitten had made its way towards Sebastian, already starting to purr slightly as it moved around his legs. Sebastian loved cats more than anything. Although it wasn't a typical thing for a boy his age, he would rather spend a whole day taking care of their now 5-week-old kittens, than meeting his friends or going out most of the time.The feeling was mutual and even the rather shy cats never needed more than a few minutes with him until they decided that he was to be trusted. 

Sebastian lifted the kitten up and continued towards the door, entering quietly since it was open.  
"Mom? Are you home? "  
No answer was given and Sebastian instead decided to check the rooms himself, the tiny kitten still on his arms, meowing.  
Unsurprisingly, there was some noise behind the door to the living room. 

He walked through it, closing the door behind himself as fast as possible, seeing as this was the room where they kept their kittens and usually, none were supposed to escape and run away, the risk of one of the young cats running in front of a car was just way too high. 

His mom was sitting at a small glass table, going through some documents hectically. He put the cat on the nearby chair and petted its head.

"Ah, Sebastian. You're home early, how was your day?" his mother asked the usual question, even though she should understand by now that there was also an usual answer. 

"School was alright, a little boring but nothing too bad happened." Oh, but it had. 

"So, that means no test results or spontaneous quizzes?" The woman smiled, her sharp brown eyes full of amusement.

"Nothing like that, no. Besides, shouldn't you be watching out for the kittens? Just as I arrived I already got greeted by one on the street, I hope the others are inside?"

"Oh dear, I'm so glad you found her before anything happened. I'm pretty sure all the others are here.. I must have let the door opened. Oh, can you maybe feed them later? I'm in somewhat of a hurry, I have a client scheduled for about ten minutes ago I had completely forgotten about, so I had to rush over and just as I arrived, I noticed that I had forgotten my folder, so here I am now, searching for the right one in this mess," she explained, continuing to search.

"Mom, could it be that one?" He pointed towards the folder that seemed to have fallen off the table. 

It took her about two seconds to confirm his suspicion. Getting up with the files in her hand, she lightly smacked her head with the other. "Thanks so much, I owe you one for that, I would've never found it in time." Sebastian smirked, 'In time.. As if you weren't already late.'

"You're welcome. Just,.. mom?"

"Yeah, what's up?" 

He sighed. "I've got a question."  
His mother answered with a hand gesture,showing that he was supposed to continue.

"If someone has a really big problem, in fact, so big that it even bothers you to just think about the situation they're in, and you want to help, but at the same time, you know there is nothing you can do to change what happened to them, then what are you supposed to do? And I mean, a really shitty situation."

His mother eyed him skeptically for a moment, then she answered, "it's hard to answer the question with so little information, honey.. However, there is always a way to help. Helping doesn't mean that you need to be the one to solve their problem, usually someone has to do that on their own. But no matter the situation, you can always support them. Even the smallest things can be of significance to someone in need." 

'Oh, the joy of having a therapist as your mother.'  
"Besides, I'm so very glad you want to help whoever it is, that's a quality not many people have, most just ignore it when someone's in a bad place and keep their distance. I'm so proud of you. Especially since you've never seemed to show much affection to anyone usually. " 

She smiled at him brightly, giving a short but suffocating hug to her son. 

"But I really gotta get going, we can talk about it later if you want." 

And with that, she exited the room, leaving Sebastian to think over her words.  
Affection... This had nothing to do with affection but rather with pity. Sebastian didn't particularly like either emotion.

'There's always a way to support someone,' Sebastian sighed, wishing he didn't feel the need to help Ciel Phantomhive.


	4. Drowning sorrows

"Have you found her yet?" Sebastian's mother was usually a calm person, thinking things over, trying not to rush and make mistakes. In her job, she had quite some responsibility after all. A therapist couldn't afford to be on the edge of a mental breakdown themselves. However, she was also an oftentimes stressed out individual, scheduling one patient after the other and trying to manage her little family as good as she could at the same time. 

Some mistakes just can't be avoided though. And the same mistake that had happened to her twice in a row now. 

She hadn't closed the door properly when she had left the house in a hurry and while nothing seemed to have been stolen, something was missing. One of the young kittens, with its few weeks of life experience, had spontanously decided to take a walk outside. Now the problem, of course, was that neither Sebastian nor his mother had managed to find it in the neighborhood so far.

"No, I have no idea where she could have disappeared to. And you are sure she is not inside the house somewhere?" Sebastian questioned with a sigh. He rubbed the side of his head with his hand as though it would help him come up with an idea where the kitten might be. They had been searching the area around their house for about two hours now.

"Of course she isn't, I've searched the entire house twice. Maybe she went inside the forest? It's not that far away after all," his mother suggested, not sounding entirely convinced.  
"It's not that close either. Where's Claude by the way? He never really helps at all when it comes to the household."  
When Sebastian's mother didn't really know what to say, he spoke up. 

" How about I go and search for it in the forest while you stay here, ask some neighbors and see whether she decides to come back on her own. I've got my cell phone with me, so just call if you find her or anything." 

She nodded, understanding.

"Just take care, it'll get dark in a few hours and I'd prefer it if you wouldn't be running around in the forest at night," she smiled gently.

"I'm really not a kid anymore.. Anyway, I'll come back before it gets dark, it's not like I can see at night, and also, I'd much rather know the kitten is safe before having to leave it outside for the night. Who knows what could happen."

With that, he jogged off in the direction of the forest, unsure of where exactly to even look, but determined to find the kitten.  
..

On Saturday afternoon, Ciel's father had come home. Disappearing for five days, just like that, was not even something that he did often. It had left Ciel being unsure of whether he would even come back at all or not. 

Therefore, the last few days had had a bittersweet feeling to them. 

There had been no fights, just silence.  
And it had been too silent. Being all alone for a day or two might be acceptable to most, but spending almost an entire week without anyone to talk to, all alone inside your house... Once upon a time Ciel would have been able to enjoy the solitude; to watch movies, read, listen to music. But not now. Now an entire week alone with no one around left him alone with his thoughts. 

He thought about how he had lost everyone. The only friend he had left was Elizabeth, but she only ever visited once a month and for a few hours. He had lost Alois, who had once been his best friend. He had lost his mother, too. Or rather than that, she had given him away for his father to take care of him, which said a lot. Rachel knew Vincent better than anyone, presumably. His tendency to get violent, his constant need for the feeling of power, his inability to deal with problems. 

It was not at all hard to figure out how Vincent would treat his son. 

But Ciel had long since given up on the hope that one day his mother would suddenly stand in front of the door, begging him to move in with her again. At first, the hope had been there, but with each month that had passed, it had gradually faded, leaving only the bitter feeling of being abandoned where the memory of his mother used to be. 

"You sicken me, I can barely believe you're my own son. Look at yourself, do you think it's nice for me to know that practically everyone around stares at you wondering if you're some sort of transvestite? Just fucking cut your hair and wash that awful color out, will you?"

Throwing a nearby plate from the table on the floor in order to prove just how angry he was, Vincent Phantomhive left the kitchen, leaving an emotionless Ciel behind. Having heard words of that sort more than often enough, he barely even showed a reaction anymore. 

He decided that it would probably be the best decision to just leave for now, as it is often was. Even his passive act somehow managed to sometimes aggravate his father's mood, but it still was the best decision to put some distance between himself and the older man. But before he even had the possibitly to get away, Vincent was there, standing in front of him again, the height difference making Ciel feel more than inferior to his father. Why did he have to be so utterly weak?

"You know, Ciel, I have always wished to have a son. I imagined teaching him how to hunt, having a beer with him every once a while, my son coming home with a beautiful girlfriend one day.. But now, look at you. Just tell me how I am supposed to be proud of you in any way."

Ciel mereley stood there, listening to the drunk words than left his father's mouth, hoping that he'd get this over with soon so he could just leave and get outside this house.  
"You even chose to stay with your mother when she left, I bet you wouldn't be here if she hadn't abandoned you once she got tired of you. And I must know, she told me just that," he went on, giving a small laugh at his own statement. 

Ciel didn't even have it in him to argue with that. It probably was the truth and he briefly wondered whether his father purposely thought of the most painful things he could say to Ciel in order to provoke some sort of reaction out of him. Probably, yes.

"I'm so lucky to know by now how much of a whore your mother is, I wouldn't be surprised if you weren't even my own son."

Ciel took a sharp breath. 

"Enough," he said, his voice clear but almost inaudible. 

"What did you just say?" 

"I've said that you should shut up, if you feel shitty that doesn't mean you have to let your anger out on me and insult my mother who had more than enough reasons to leave a crappy husband like you." When the words had left Ciel's mouth, it was already too late. The damage was done, he had once again let his father's insults get the best of him and he had played along in his little game.  
When a large fist met his face, he made a mental note not to ever let it get this far again.

But there are only so many times you can remain silent when all you really want to do is defend yourself against the person who's causing you so much pain.  
..  
When Ciel finally left the house, he hadn't bothered to put on any make up. His cheek was swollen and red, his nose had bled just a few minutes ago but he had cleaned it as well as possible considering that he had left in a hurry. 

Today the weather was more than mild and it felt as though summer had spontaneously decided to visit earlier than usually, but Ciel felt like he was freezing to death despite that. His small body was covered in an oversized grey hoodie. In addition to that, he wore his black jeans and a pair of old leather boots that had been a birthday present once. The was a half empty bottle of whiskey hidden underneath his pullover just for the sake of no one noticing that he had jacked his father's alcohol after the man had decided to go and bring some woman from the nearby city, of course driving his car despite being more than a little tipsy. He'd be busy for about five or six hours, within this time, Ciel could sit here and drink himself stupid. Or maybe if his father was going to have an accident, he'd have more time. But he shrugged the thought off, not wanting to sink that low.  
Ciel had always told himself that he'd never be like his father. 

His detestable habit of drowning all his sorrows in liquor and beer was honestly less than admirable.

But for once, just for this one time, he wanted to feel the comfort only the bottle seemed to offer to him. 

This was the reason why he kept walking straight ahead towards his usual place, making his way through the bushes and noticing that the weeds had grown rather high thanks to the few days of sun they had gotten to enjoy. He looked at the many different flowers and listened to the bird's voices echoing through the forest. It took him about ten minutes until he arrived at the small lake, instantly heading for his usual place. 

Searching through his pockets, he sighed as he found that he hadn't only forgotten his father's cigarettes, but also the key to his house. The only thing he could do was stay out here until his father would return. It was going to be a long night.

He took out the bottle, no longer paying any mind to the nature and peace around him, and opened it with some effort. The smell of the strong alcohol hit him in the face like a fist and he could already guess how much his troath was going to burn once he had finished it. But that knowledge didn't stop him from raising the bottle and letting the golden brown alcohol enter his mouth as he started swallowing the liquid.

Ciel instantly decided that he hated this taste, but he kept drinking only a small amount and than waiting a few seconds before he continued. 

All of the sudden, he wasn't quite as cold anymore and there was more than half left still. He rolled up his sleeves and started toying around with a flower that grew right next to him. The flower was a nice mixture between purple and blue and out of boredom, Ciel ripped it off, creating sort of a ring that he put on his finger for only a few seconds before finding the whole thing silly and throwing the ring into the water that seemed a deeper blue than usual since the reflection of the cloudless sky that was beginning to darken was visible in it. 

He grabbed the bottle again to down some more alcohol and closed his eyes, barely thinking about anything at all. Placing the bottle beside him again, he regarded the water absent-mindedly.  
When he reopened them, he was more than a little shocked to find a shadow hovering over him, only visible in the reflection inside the water. He spun around hectically, eyeing the person who had allowed themselves to disturb him while being in his own personal place of solitude and calmness. When his eyes traveled up to the face, he made a silent sound of surprise, not silent enough, it seemed though.

"Watch out, I don't want you to fall into the water out of shock. Are you that surprised to see me here?"  
Ciel was indeed more than just a little surprised that Sebastian of all people was standing in front of him, looking as though it was completely normal to creep up behind someone and then scare the living shit out of them. With no warning whatsoever. 

Feeling slightly awkward due to his sitting and Sebastian's standing position, Ciel managed to stand up on shaky legs, grabbing a hold of the tree's thin branches in order to not fall into the water. This was the first time he had actually drunk as much and considering his lithe body, it was no big surprise he couldn't handle that much alcohol, especially without having eaten anything at all that day.  
"Well maybe if you wouldn't walk around like a goddamn creep and have so much fun scaring me shitless, then I wouldn't be as surprised. Normal people say hello, you know?" He argued, sounding angrier than he actually was. Who was he even to talk about normal people? 

"Well then, hello," Sebastian answered mockingly, looking at the younger boy and trying to figure out just what Ciel was doing here, all alone inside the forest. 

"So? What are you doing here? You're not stalking me, are you?" Ciel asked, his voice sounding a bit off and he had trouble standing straight.

"Sorry to disappoint you, but no. I'm actually searching for someone," Sebastian answered after a moment of scanning Ciel thoroughly. The boy seemed like he was going to fall off the tree any minute and combined with the smell of alcohol that was quite noticeable when Ciel talked, Sebastian could only guess the younger boy had been drinking.. All by himself, inside a forest. How old was Ciel again?

'How odd.'

Not one to hold his thoughts back, Sebastian decided to just ask. 

"But I think the better question would be what what you are doing. Not to insult you, but it looks like you are going to fall into the water any second and you smell like you just got out of a bar.. It looks a lot like you've been drinking, and not too little if you ask me."

Now, Sebastian was no angel himself. He had already been drunk more than just a few times, but that had been different. He had been out with friends, having fun and maybe drinking a few beers, but he had yet to drink all by himself.. It seemed rather unhealthy, especially for someone Ciel's age. 

"No, I haven't. Besides, I'm no child, could you mind your own business?" 

Sebastian eyed Ciel skeptically. It was true, he barely even knew the boy and even if he did, it wouldn't be his business. But something about the way Ciel could barely stand straight bothered him. With no one around, anything could happen to the boy. It took him only a glance at the boy's feet to know he'd been lying. There, seemingly hidden behind Ciel, stood an almost empty bottle of whiskey. Whiskey, not beer. If Sebastian drank a whole bottle of that, he feared he would end up comatose.  
"And what's that?" He pointed towards the bottle.  
"None of your business," Ciel responded, a bit annoyed with Sebastian's caring behavior by now. 

"Oh, but I think it is. Because I'm not leaving you here with that whole bottle. I don't wanna be responsible if you end up in a hospital for alcohol poisoning." 

Definitely annoyed now, Ciel prepared himself for an angry answer, silently wondering by now whether he really was a tiny bit too drunk to argue, but he'd die before admitting that.  
"I barely even notice anything, why are you always so insistent on helping me?" The 'helping me' part was said in a voice that held a strong sarcastic undertone. Upon finishing his sentence, as if to prove the opposite of what had been said, Ciel's feet lost their hold on the tree and he stumbled forward, Sebastian reacting just in time to catch him with one arm and have him stand again. 

"Maybe if you'd stop getting in trouble every single time I see you, I wouldn't need to look after you like that," he answered, voice calm and collected. It was the truth after all, Ciel just seemed to mean trouble. 

Ciel was still recovering from the shock of almost falling and, even worse, being caught by Sebastian just like that. His voice had lost its anger and it was replaced by indifference with a hint of sadness. "If you haven't noticed by now, my whole life is a mess so just keep your distance from me, I don't need to be the reason you have to deal with all that trouble and I mean it."

"Yeah, but this is not some sort of soap opera, you're quite a bit younger than me, not to mention a whole lot smaller and I bet you cannot handle that much alcohol. I don't want to see you drown in the lake or beaten up somewhere in the street, so that's why I refuse to not do anything. I can at least take you home, is that okay with you?"

"Are you even listening? It's not. And I know pretty well how much alcohol I can handle. So thank you, but no, thank you." In order to emphasize his statement, Ciel grabbed the bottle and struggled to open it, drinking a rather large amount in one go and ignoring the burning in his throat. 

"Goddamn it, stop behaving like a stubborn child," Sebastian warned him, sounding a bit annoyed now himself. He reached forward to grab the bottle from Ciel's hands, who in turn tried to push him away, completely unaware that they were still both standing on a thick branch hovering over the water. The younger boy was the first one to fall, but out of shock he tried to hold onto the closest thing he could find, which just so happened to be Sebastian's black shirt, leaving the two of them falling straight into the water, some thin branches breaking beneath them. 

Once Sebastian had managed to reach the surface of the water, he was still unable to believe what had just happened. The water ice cold and the fact that his clothes seemed to weight ten times as much as usually didn't help. Only after a few moments did he notice the figure struggling to swim to the surface a few meters away from him, and failing. Without further thought, he swam over to the other boy, reaching him in just a second or two. He dived into the water, grabbing a hold of Ciel and pulling him on his back while swimming in the direction of the tree they had fallen down from. 

Ciel was coughing loudly, and he had feared that he might drown until he felt himself being lifted on Sebastian's back. Once he dared to open his eyes, he could see the branch right in front of him and a heavily breathing Sebastian right next to him.  
"Are you okay?" 

Ciel tried to answer, he even opened his mouth, but no word seemed to come out of it. Whether it was the panic, the lack of air or the sudden closeness, he didn't know. He barely managed to nod his head, signaling the other that be was alright. He then wordlessly watched as Sebastian climbed out of the water and extended a hand. Despite his initial reaction, which would have been to reject it, Ciel took the cold hand. 

Sebastian pulled the mess that was Ciel out of the water quickly, having to use quite some strength since Ciel still seemed to be somewhat paralyzed from the sudden coldness of the water and the surprise of having fallen in the first place. 

When the both of them were finally on more or less solid ground, there was a short moment of silence as both of them had to catch their breath. 

It was Sebastian who broke that silence. "Ciel? I have a question." The blue haired boy eyed the other, the expression on his face unreadable.  
Glad that he finally felt able to talk again, he answered with a question, "and what do you want to know?"  
"Can you.. can you swim?" Sebastian asked, the mask of indifference leaving and turning into an expression of pure amusement. 

Ciel didn't answer for a moment. 

"Fine. No, I can't. So what? I've never been taught how to , there's nothing funny about it."

Sebastian scanned Ciel thoroughly, the way he looked like a kitten that had been forced to take a bath and the way he appeared entirely unamused while voicing this were just too much. He couldn't hold back the laughter at the absurd situation they were in any longer. 

Ciel's eyes widened. He had expected a lot but not this sudden outburst of laughter. 

"Stop it," he said, barely able to hold back a small smile of his own, "it's not funny." 

Ciel's cheeks looked slightly flushed by now, making Sebastian wonder what kind of person was actually hidden beneath that mask of indifference and sadness Ciel always seemed to wear. 

When he was finished laughing, he caught his breath. "I think we should probably both get home and change into some dry clothes. Especially when you're drunk you should really pay attention to staying warm, otherwise you might easily get sick."  
He eyed the sky, noticing how the sun had began to set. It really was getting colder already. 

Ciel eyed Sebastian for another long moment before turning away.  
"You can leave already, I'm just going to stay here a little longer and wait for those to dry," he said, pointing to his clothes. The alcohol in his system was still quite noticeable to Sebastian as his speech was slightly slurred and it didn't hold the same undertone it usually did. At least that bottle was swimming in the lake now, though.  
He sighed. Why did the boy always have to argue even when Sebastian's suggestions were more than logical and reasonable? 

"It's going to take hours for those to dry, also the sun is beginning to set and it's getting cooler. And in case you haven't noticed yet, you're shivering and your lips look blue." 

Ciel couldn't argue with that, but neither did he want to explain the complicated situation with the house key and having to wait for his father who may or may not return tonight.

Eventually, he started, "I can't go home yet, no one's home and I forgot my keys, so I just have to wait a few hours, but it's not that much of a deal, really." 

Sebastian looked at Ciel as if to say, 'are you kidding me?' He then took a hold of the boy's arm like he'd done once before, urging him to stand up and come along. Halfway into the process, Ciel protested slightly but uselessly, hissing at the sudden touch. He finally managed to stand on his own, rubbing his arm and looking Sebastian right into the eyes.  
"What are you doing?" He asked, honestly not understanding where this whole thing was going. 

"Obviously, you're coming with me. I'm going to get you some dry clothes and a blanket or something and then you can wait there until your family gets home. Sounds okay?" 

Ciel would have protested, but with the effect of the alcohol and the way he was freezing, a set of warm clothes just seemed too wonderful to refuse. He kept trotting alongside Sebastian who practically had to pull Ciel so he didn't fall over his own two feet. Within the few minutes they had walked, it had gotten noticeably darker outside. Ciel had at some point started informing Sebastian about all the reasons he hated water, from how he hated it because he was unable to swim, to animals inside it, and the fact that it was almost always too cold for him. Sebastian had tried his best not to laugh about the younger one's behavior that once again showed that Ciel really was quite a bit more drunk than he wanted to admit. There had been about 50 grammar mistakes hidden within his story, and at some point he had been thinking with so concentration about another argument that he had forgotten to walk and simply fallen to the ground like a bag of flour.

Just as they exited the forest, Ciel suddenly stopped again. Sebastian turned around and found that Ciel was staring him right in the eye, deep blue eyes full of some unknown emotion. Sebastian noticed the black shadows underneath them. 

"Sebastian?" 

"What's up?" 

"I.. Just.. You're always being so nice to me and you barely know me... No one does that, not one person. Being nice, I mean. I just... I wanted to thank you," he confessed, embarrassment clear on the pale face and Sebastian could swear that despite the darkness, he could see the way Ciel's cheeks had turned red almost instantly.

He didn't know what to say. This was a first. If anything, he'd deal with people asking him how he could be so mean. Like one time he had made out with two girls just so they'd be getting into a fight because he could stand neither of the two. He had made people look bad in front of others and had destroyed their friendships or their self confidence with his friends. Just for fun, out of boredom...and now, Ciel Phantomhive, a boy so easily breakable, so unused to kindness and so sad to the very core, stood in front of him and thanked him. Of course, he might just be the kind of drunk person who'd always feel the need to apologize and to thank others, Sebastian didn't know. But it still felt like he meant it. 

"It's.. " he rest didn't know how to react. "It's nothing, just forget about it." Ciel continued to look at him for about two seconds, then he turned away, looking forwards to where they were heading. When they walked through the fields, he almost tripped once more, causing him to hold onto Sebastian's arm for support. They spent the last minutes of their walk quietly,neither saying even one word. 

As they entered Sebastian's neighborhood, Ciel began feeling a bit dizzy, but he tried to concentrate as best as he could on his surroundings. He wondered what Sebastian's house would look like, how his family was, and how they'd react to Sebastian bringing some completely soaked stranger home. 

Sebastian was wondering exaclty the same thing. He almost never brought people home, if anything at all, his best friends might have been over a few times, but he had always liked to keep his home to himself. Now, what was his mother going to say once she saw he had someone with him? Someone she didn't even know? Before he could think it all through, they were standing in front of the door and he had knocked a few times, footsteps already coming closer. 

As expected, his mother opened it, ready to greet her son when she noticed two things. For one, Sebastian was completely wet. His usually messy hair looked way more out of order than everyday, his clothes sticking to his body. The second thing was the extremely thin and tiny boy clinging to her son's arm, shivering. 

Suddenly, she grinned to herself, pretty sure she figured out just who it was that Sebastian oh so suddenly started to care about. 

"Hey you two, what happened to you?" She exclaimed, considering it more fitting than instantly interviewing Sebastian just who this was. 

"It's kind of a long story, we sort of... Fell into a lake out of accident," Sebastian explained.

"And just who exactly are you?" She turned to Ciel, no longer able to hide her curiosity. 

He put on a friendly smile, for the first time Sebastian could really see, and shook her hand, attempting his best to appear sober. "My name is Ciel Phantomhive," he introduced himself.

"Mom, I need to get some dry clothes for him and he might need to stay here for a little while, is that okay?"

She smiled brightly, eyeing the two of them, "of course it is, he's also welcome to sleep here if he wants to... And if you want him to. But first, the two of you need to a hot shower, and quick," she invited Ciel inside, giving a weird look to Sebastian, who instantly knew that she was trying to embarrass him once more.  
Ciel just looked at the two in confusion, his drunken mind oblivious to the silent exchange that had just happened between mother and son.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the feedback c:


	5. Chapter 5

"Ignore my mother, she's always like that," Sebastian said, sighing as the two of them had passed her and were on their way to his room. 

Wide blue eyes looked back at him with a hint of curiosity and confusion. "Like what? I think she's pretty nice."

Sebastian wanted to smack his hands against his head once again, how could the boy be so naive as to not have noticed that his mother had assumed they were more than just.. Friends. Friends? Could they even be considered that? Hardly, Sebastian guessed. More like acquaintances. Or simply a boy who always got into trouble and a boy who had the strange urge to get him out of it. 

When the two entered Sebastian's room, Ciel was rather surprised to see how neat and clean everything was. It was, to say the least, not that common among people their age to have a room that seemed like it came right out of a catalogue. 

"I'm going to try and find clothes that fit you, but I hardly believe I have anything your size here. You're just so extremely thin and small, do you even eat anything at all?" a chuckle left his mouth as Sebastian questioned Ciel's eating habits. He leaned down and tried to fish a set of clothes out of the closet. As he had expected, it was hard to find anything that might even come close to fitting the young boy. 

The boy barely acknowledged the question, giving a simple murmured answer, "it's just my bone structure."  
Ciel was staring at different things inside Sebastian's room, eyeing a few photos of him with his friends, a photo of a younger Sebastian and his mother. Then, there was an old photo, Sebastian must have been about eight or so, a black haired man standing behind him, looking unamused while the child had the happiest smile on his face. On any other family picture however, the man was missing. 

A black band shirt was thrown on his head, the sudden darkness pulling him out of his thoughts.  
"Hey," he started to complain, having already forgotten about Sebastian's goal to find some clothes for him. It took him only a moment until he realized this however, and afterwards he eyed the shirt, a forlorn look on his face. Short sleeves weren't much of a good idea and neither was changing his clothes with someone being able to look at him. Everyone always seemed so adamant on showing off as much as they could of their body, Ciel, however, was an exception to that rule. He liked to keep things hidden, to have as much covered up as possible. That way, people could only judge his mostly oversized and cheap articles of clothing, but not his body. He was content with that concept. 

Things had gotten worse ever since the incident.  
"Sorry if it's not your taste in clothes, but I don't think I have anything else that would fit. Are you okay with it?" Sebastian questioned, a smile on his lips. 

Ciel looked at Sebastian and then, at the shirt again. No matter how much he'd like to try and explain his situation to Sebastian just so be wouldn't have to show too much of his body, he told himself that he shouldn't complain now that Sebastian had already bothered and searched clothes for him. Besides, how weird would it be to explain something along the lines of, 'I feel hideous and fat and I'd rather disappear into this air already anytime someone looks at me for more than 10 seconds, and that's when I can hide myself behind layers of clothing, so could I maybe get a jacket or something?' No, that wouldn't do.  
"I'm fine. But pants would be nice too," Ciel remarked, feeling a tiny bit more sober by now and it once again got harder to keep reality away, to think of nothing. 

Sebastian sighed after searching his closet for another few minutes. Pants seemed to be a much bigger problem than a shirt. 

"Give me a second, I'm just going to go downstairs and ask my mother whether we have some smaller pants," Sebastian explained, already on his leave while he was talking. The door fell shut behind him and he sighed. How different this evening had turned out to be. It had been a few days since he had met Ciel at school, and not under the most amazing circumstances either. Ciel had been a bit different that day, he had been trying everything just to get rid of Sebastian. Today though, that was not the case. Of course, he still barely knew the boy, but he didn't feel quite as unwanted around him anymore. 

Like Ciel had, despite everything, opened up to him to the smallest extent. Or maybe Sebastian just mistook Ciel's drunkenness as a sign for the others different behavior. The boy was simply a mystery to him, he had never encountered anyone alike him; someone so full of contradictions, so full of unsolved problems. He wondered whether those problems would be solved within some time and how long it would take for someone like Ciel to regain a normal life. 

Was it even possible?

Ciel still didn't look good. Maybe Sebastian had just imagined it, but the boy's face had looked so utterly pale, contrasting starkly against his red lips and the black shadows underneath his eyes, it made him want to ask the boy whether he was alright every few minutes. Ciel just looked so damn easily breakable, it wasn't funny anymore.

'I should stop worrying as much, I'm already doing what it can,' Sebastian thought, unconvinced. It probably still wasn't enough. Maybe he took the whole thing too seriously. Maybe Ciel was not nearly as broken as Sebastian thought. 

Or maybe he was. That thought was a weird kind of scary.

"Mom?" He called upon descending the stairs.  
The silent sound of the TV was to be heard in the living room and Sebastian entered without knocking. It took only a second though until he realized that he shouldn't have come down here to ask for clothes. He should have given Ciel oversized ones. 

Brown eyes shone brightly as Carla Michaelis saw her son approaching. 

"Sebastian, you have something to tell me?" she began. 

"Mom, it's not like you think it is-"

"Why haven't you told me you had a boyfriend? And such a cute one too! I've always believed that you'd bring home a guy one day, I'm just so happy you trust me enough to even bring him. Though, you shouldn't have gone as far as to jump into some sort of pond just to have a reason for him to stay here," the words left her mouth within just a few seconds, cutting Sebastian's attempt at clearing things up off instantly. 

"Oh god mom no. Just.. No. He's not my boyfriend, let alone friend.. And what the fuck? I'm not even gay, what's wrong with you, woman?"

"Darling, it's completely fine with me. You don't need to be ashamed of it, just tell me how you got to know each other, I wanna hear every single detail. Have you kissed yet?"

He narrowed his eyes at the excited woman, refusing to continue with this conversation. 

"I'm not gay though. We're not a couple despite what you might believe. I just came down here to ask for some smaller pants that might fit Ciel because mine are way too big, obviously," he repeated, annoyed. 

"But the way he held onto you.. And how he had to look up just to look you in the eye.. Even if you're so sure you're straight, are you sure he's not into you a tiny little bit then? You'd make such a pretty couple," she continued her questioning. 

Sebastian swallowed dryly, hoping this was not the case because it would only mean even more drama later on. Why would they look like a pretty couple? What did a pretty couple even look like?   
"I don't know and I really don't care that much right now. I simply want some pants for him, mom. Nothing else."  
She sighed regretfully, giving up for now, but clearly only for a little while. 

"There might be some pants in the cellar, I'm going to take a look, just wait a second."

Sebastian did just that, standing in front of the couch as his mother wandered off. Had Ciel really showed any signs of being.. Interested in him so far? He didn't believe it. The boy had tried to get rid of him and he had seemed more annoyed than excited about Sebastian's appearance a few hours earlier. The only reason Ciel had clung onto him earlier had been the alcohol in his blood. Nothing else. Where did his mothe4 get those ideas from?   
All in all, it really didn't seem like Ciel was into Sebastian and that was definitely a good thing. Besides, how high was the chance that, even if Ciel really was gay, Sebastian was his type? Not that high, really. 

He sighed as he came to this calming conclusion. Being so deep in his thoughts, he made a sound of surprise as two of the pairs of pants were shoved into his hands. His mother smiled at him brightly before plopping down on the couch and curling up in front of the TV again.  
The boy muttered a 'thank you' to his mother and then exited the room quickly before she would try to start a weird conversation with him again. 

He entered his room to find Ciel standing in the middle of it, the shirt in his hands. Blank blue eyes seemed to look right though Sebastian for a moment until he focused on the other. Sebastian smirked at Ciel and handed him the pants, letting the boy himself chose. 

As it turned out, there was only summer clothing in Ciel's hands, more specifically, short pants and a shirt. Way too short, how in the world was he supposed to keep his arms and legs covered with those? The feeling of uneasiness over having to display his own body came over him again but he willed it away. Sebastian eyed the other in the meanwhile, noticing the fake smile on the boy's lips. He decided not to make anything of it, simply turning his back on the other and ignoring whatever problem it was that he had with the pants. 

"Do you want to take a shower? The bathroom's right here, just don't take too long because I'm feeling a bit.. Wet and cold, too." Sebastian smirked at the blue haired boy standing in front of him. "Unless you'drather smell like rain water and forest, of course. It's just an offer."  
Ciel glared at Sebastian for the comment. He would have accepted either way, even if it was just so he could change his clothes without someone's eyes on him. 

"It won't take long, Ciel assured him, rushing into the bathroom to calm himself down a little. Not only could he barely remember ever visiting someone's home, except Alois' once or twice back then, he had also avoided showing more skin than that of his face and hands in front of anyone. He was sure no one would understand if he tried and explained just what he was feeling. Even showering in a place he didn't know brought him anxiety. 

Slowly, Ciel's pale hand came down to pull the hoodie over his face, leaving Ciel with the image of a white, sunken in chest, where there were no muscles to be seen, only the faint outlines of the young boy's ribcage. He closed his eyes, not wanting to look at himself as though the picture would burn into his vision somehow and he'd have to face the reality of the state his body was in forever. He sighed as his pants came down too, the disgusting feeling of the cold wet clothes finally fading away but leaving goosebumps. Rather small feet stepped into the shower and Ciel once again admired the clean state everything here seemed to be in. His home couldn't compare at all. 

He turned the water on, almost suffering a heart attack when the ice cold downpour suddenly hit his chest. Never in his life had he hurried so much as he turned the warm water on, his body relaxing almost instantly as the perfect mix of cold and warm water began to rain down on him instead of the bitter cold.

He would have to thank Sebastian again, a hot shower felt like it was exactly what he had needed after this day. In fact, he felt like there were so many things to thank the older boy for that he barely knew where to begin. He knew better than anyone else that the least thing that should happen when you're already in a shitty situation is that you start becoming indebted to others. To start being dependent on them. And that was what happened if he let people in too much, it left Ciel feeling like the other person suddenly became the center of his universe and without them, there would be nothing. Life had taught him over and over again not to let this happen and this time, he was sure to remember this. 

He blamed it on the alcohol, but he had already let Sebastian get too close, he was at his home after all. Maybe if this was a one time thing, a thank you would be enough and things could be forgotten afterwards, each living on their own life.

Ciel really spent way too much time inside his head, a boy his age shouldn't have to over think friendships like that. But it wasn't like he could just ignore his worries simply because they weren't supposed to be there.  
It didn't take long until the streaming hot water began to let the air get foggy and the steam was soon inside the whole room. Ciel took the shampoo bottle standing nearby, assuming that Sebastian wouldn't mind. As he took a few minutes to enjoy the warmth, he began absentmindedly drawing all kinds of small things on the glass door with his fingers. When he stepped underneath the water again, his eyes windened in shock and he spun around into the farthest corner of the shower, the shock of someone knocking on the glass door suddenly disturbing his moment of peace. 

"Ciel?" He could hear the raven ask and it took Ciel almost half a minute until he found his voice. The fear and the feeling of awkwardness made his heart beat incredibly fast and he could only hope that Sebastian wouldn't spontaneously decide to open that door. Because if he did, Ciel would probably die. 

"What?" He had answered so silently, unable to find his voice, that he himself bafely heard it amit the flow of water.

The door opened only the slightest bit and Ciel made a squeal of panic. 

To Ciel's relief, the boy didn't look inside, he simply stood close to it and started talking so they would understand each other better. 

"I'm not trying to rush you but you've been in here for about an hour and I was slightly worried that you fell or something, especially when I got no answer as I started knocking. I brought you two towels, they're right here," the raven finished. 

"Oh.. One hour? I'm so sorry, I seem to have lost track of time in here," the younger boy explained nervously, the whole situation getting to him, especially the fact that he had showered for an hour when Sebastian had specifically asked him not to take too long.

"I'll be out in a minute, I'm really so sorry, especially since you yourself couldn't shower yet," Ciel promised, his voice weak. The feeling of guilt almost crashed him. It was no wonder people let him slip through their fingers that easily without doing as much as trying to hold onto him. Who'd bother and stay with someone who had nothing to offer and could only take? 

"I already showered in the bathroom downstairs, so don't stress yourself. I'll be in my room, just get out when you're finished."

Ciel could almost hear the smirk on Sebastian's face and within a few seconds, he was alone inside the bathroom again, water still raining down on him.

He sighed as he turned the warm water off and stepped outside the shower, the cold making him shiver. The towels rested on the floor and Ciel picked them up, using the blue one for his body and the black one for his hair. Inside the bathroom mirror, he could see his blurred face staring back at him and somehow, he preferred it compared to the one he usually saw. He could barely make out his features, let alone shadows under his eyes or bruises. 

'Would I even recognize myself anymore if such a blurred image of me passed me by on the street?' He wondered silently. 

Short pants were pulled up skinny pale legs and Ciel pulled the band shirt over his head, eyeing the picture on it. The shadow of a soldier was covered in red letters that one could barely read since they looked handwritten by someone who didn't seem to care if their words could even be deciphered or not. The shirt fell down his torso lightly, hiding the shape of his body a little bit at least.  
The boy took a deep breath, bracing himself for what was to come. 

With a light push,the door opened and Ciel stood there awkwardly as red eyes turned in his direction. The older of the two frowned as he eyed the small figure that seemed to disappear in the fabric of the loose shirt. He remembered the pictures of Ciel he had seen a few weeks ago, the way Ciel stood there with that anxious and sad look in his eyes, the body that had been in ruins more than anything. 

The image in front of him could almost be a replica, even though some clothes covered the pale skin this time. Seeing Ciel in his oversized hoodies and jeans, he already looked skinny, but this.. It looked entirely unhealthy. The boys knees were probably the broadest part of his legs, making it look like he might fall to the ground any second and it would take nothing but a slight push for the bones inside to break. Crimson eyes traveled up to Ciel's torso, suddenly stopping at the arms. No less than 10 red marks were located on Ciel's left lower arm, some looking like they were in the process of healing and some.. Not quite.  
For a moment, Sebastian Michaelis didn't know what to say or whether he should say anything at all. 

"What happened to your arm? Are those burns?" He eventually questioned, opting for a blunt question.  
Sebastian could only guess how hard Ciel's heart was beating at the moment, and judging from the look on his face, quite fast. Out of instinct, one of Ciel's arms moved in front of the other, blocking the view on his bruises and scars.

He knew he shouldn't have come here at all and now he had to suffer the consequences of coming too close to someone yet again. 

"I accidentally spilled some hot water when I was making tea and it seems my skin's rather sensitive towards heat, so now I have to wait until these heal and I can only hope there aren't going to be any scars," he lied through his teeth. What else could he say? It was the first excuse that came to his mind when thinking of burned skin. Although it didn't look like he'd burned himself on hot water. No, those marks were telling a different story. 

"No wonder your skin's sensitive with how thin you are," Sebastian muttered too quietly for Ciel to hear. 

"What?" 

"You should really put something on it and maybe bandage it, wounds like that can easily result in blood poisoning," he answered, trying to remain objective. 

Somehow, the state Ciel was in had evoked some sort of .. anger inside Sebastian. Not only did he wonder whether those bruises really were caused by hot water or something, someone else instead.. he also somehow wanted Ciel to understand that he shouldn't be as thin as he was. Sure, some people were naturally on the slim side, but Ciel took that ten steps too far. It pretty damn sure already endangered his health. But his mouth remained shut, locking the unpleasant feelings away in the back of his mind where they belonged. 

Blue eyes were narrowed sceptically, before the boy answered. "I'm going to do that once I'm home, don't worry." 

The sentence hung heavily in the air and there was a moment of awkward silence. 

''Don't worry,' -Of course, there's absolutely no reason to worry even though you're probably about 20 pounds or more underweight and there are bruises all over your body,' Sebastian bitterly thought to himself. But he didn't say that, afraid that it might only make things worse. 

"Soo, what are we going to do now?" Ciel asked as he sat down on the bed with a small distance between him and the other, letting his legs swing back and forth. In essence, he was trying everything to get off the topic that was his body. 

And to his surprise, his method seemed to work quite well. The frown and the thoughtful look disappeared from Sebastian's face and a smirk came to his lips as he answered, "what do you want to do?" 

The younger's body relaxed instantly upon hearing this, but that changed just as suddenly again when his eyes traveled to that attractive smirk and lingered there. Sebastian's skin was almost white, creating a stark contrast with the long dark lashes, the deep red eyes and the black hair. Despite his generally masculine look, the features of his face were just slightly feminine, especially when that smirk was on it. 

'Shit, why am I looking at him like this.'

Ciel's eyes went wide and his cheeks turned pink as he realized what he had just done. 

"Everything alright?" Sebastian asked when the other wouldn't answer anymore.

'Nothing is.'

"Ciel?!" 

'I just thought of you as handsome.'

Ciel faked a cough, unable to deal with the gravity of the situation. That was how it had begun the last time he fell for someone, then got dependent on them and eventually, his whole world had been turned upside down when he was left all by himself to deal with every mistake he had made all alone. 

'What now?'

"I.. I just spaced out for a second, I'm sorry, that seems to happen more often recently," the young boy with the bright blue eyes explained, color still visible on his face. 

Sebastian smirked at the odd behavior, confused to some degree, but equally as amused. Spending time with Ciel was just.. Different than spending time with others; he could always watch the boy and guess what was on his mind, taking even his smallest actions like the way he sometimes played with his hair when he was nervous or the fake smile he sometimes seemed to put on into account. 

His mother would probably tease him about how alike they were and how Sebastian might just as well become a therapist if he told her about such thoughts. 

Sebastian simply believed that he was a bit too much into broken things. As a kid, he had repaired bikes and sometimes, he had gotten the possibility to help his neighbors fix their cars. And now, nothing had changed except the fact that Ciel was no broken vehicle but a human instead. 

However, the motivation behind it was probably the same. It had always been a nice way to waste time, figuring out the mistake and then feeling proud, like no one else could have managed to do it. Maybe, Sebastian had had a big ego, even as a child. 

"Sorry to have interrupted your spacing out time then. Do you want to eat something? I'm sort of hungry." Sebastian smiled, intent on finding out the boy's reaction when it came to food. 

Ciel tried not to show just how unprepared he was for that question. He indeed was hungry, but he also knew that he wouldn't be able to eat in front of someone just like that. For the past year, he hat eaten his every meal all by himself without anyone's eyes on him. The amount of meals per day had, however, dropped to one meal most days. If anything at all. 

"I'm rather thirsty, a glass of water would be enough for me, thanks," Ciel explained doing his best to look like the topic wasn't a sensitive one. Most topics seemed to be for him, really.

The look on Sebastian's face was unreadable as he nodded. "Fine, maybe that's a effect of drinking so much earlier. Come with me then."

Ciel did as he was told, getting up and following the other as he headed for the kitchen. 

The kitchen wasn't necessarily big, but with the many cooking utensils lines up and the way everything seemed to be tidy but not overly so, Ciel found he liked the room. Sebastian handed him a tall glass and a bottle of cool water, leaving Ciel to do the rest for himself. In the meanwhile, Sebastian began to prepare some of the leftovers from yesterday; noodles with Asian vegetables and sauce. 

The kitchen was relatively quiet and Sebastian once again broke the silence.

"So Ciel, what do you normally do in your free time?" Sebastian asked, unsure what they were going to be doing until Ciel left later on.

The blue haired boy bit his lip. "I have always liked reading books, sometimes, movies are okay too, but more often than not, the stereotype is true that the book's better than the movie."

Sebastian smirked,"I don't know, I personally feel like oftentimes, the movie's not at all that bad, people just like to point out that they have read the book and, because they're so very clever, a movie in which only the main things of the book happen could never be enough for them," he challenged, still working on his meal.  
"Are you suggesting I'm one of those people?" Ciel asked in return. 

"I would never say that," came the answer with a slight sarcastic undertone, but Ciel could tell that it was probably just a joke.

"That's good then, because I'm most definitely not one of them," Ciel assured with a small smirk on his lips and an almost playful tone, his words trailing off when Sebastian's mother entered the kitchen, stifling a yawn. She eyed Sebastian first, then her eyes traveled to Ciel. The look she gave him was analyzing at best, if not to say scrutinizing. For a second, he felt like he was an open book that could problemlessly be read by an almost stranger. As fast as the feeling came, it disappeared again though. Sebastian's mother seemed to notice how uncomfortable it was making him and she turned away a little. Ciel respired when those eyes left his body. 

"Did you ask him whether he wanted something to eat too?" She asked Sebastian, her brownish red eyes traveling over to Ciel again and she smiled at him.  
"I'm not that self centered, mom. I asked. He wasn't hungry," Sebastian answered, the slight feeling that his mother had her analyzing eyes on Ciel present and to be honest, he wasn't sure how to feel about it. And if it truly was the case, the question could have very well been asked tactically upon realizing how thin the boy was. His mother was a clever woman, and she definitely had her way with words, oftentimes more so than people around her even noticed.

"Yeah sorry I have forgotten how much of a gentleman you are for a second there," she teased him, giving Ciel a smirk with raised eyebrows. At least now he knew from whom Sebastian had gotten that smirk. Sebastian eyed his mother threateningly. 

"Especially when you really like someone," she then continued, moving a few feet away from Sebastian, afraid that be might hit her for that one. 

Ciel's eyes went wide open once again, and so did Sebastian's. 

"Um, what exactly is going on now?" Ciel automatically asked, wishing he'd kept his mouth shut just a second later. He turned his head down slightly in embarrassment, catching a lock of his blue haired between his fingers and twirling it around as if that would help his cheeks lose their color and his heart beating less frequent. 

"I just mean to say that he easily forgets his manners, except when someone he thinks is amazing is in-"

"Mom I think you forgot to feed the cats, you should really do that. Right now," Sebastian interrupted his mother, shoving her out of the room like a defiant animal. 

Ciel just stood there, unsure what to even think. That was, until Sebastian's hand slightly touched his shoulder, urging him to come upstairs with him again. Ciel pushed the awkward situation from moments ago into the back of his mind, wondering if that was what Sebastian had been talking about earlier concerning his mother 'always being like that.' 

He eyed the older teenager walking in front of him, carrying the plate and something to drink in an almost elegant way. Ciel rushed forward so he could open the door for Sebastian, earning a smile in return. 

When they had arrived inside Sebastian's room, Ciel plopped down on the soft blanket on top of Sebastian's bed. 

Sebastian placed his food on top of his table, sitting down.

"You can read a book or watch TV while I'm eating. Just do whatever you want." 

Ciel nodded silently, opting for the TV. He turned it on, lying on Sebastian's bed as he watched strangers meeting each other for the first time only to decide a few minutes later whether or not they should date. He wondered how it was even possible for a show like that to be successful when some rather good shows had to be canceled because they were too unpopular. Then, he reminded himself that he himself was watching it right now, simply because there was nothing else on. Humans were stupid, generally, with few exceptions.

"I'm just going to bring the dishes downstairs, wouldn't want my mom to get angry because my room's too messy. That woman can be scary," he laughed.  
"Fine, do that then," Ciel answered, mentally adding, 'neat freak.' He smirked, turning to watch TV once again.  
When Sebastian returned to his room only two minutes later, he faced the image of a sleeping Ciel, looking like a porcelain doll with his head resting on top of his arms, legs curled up to the stomach. The this torso moved slightly each time the boy took a breath and the blue hair was now completely dry, falling down from his head and covering a rather big part of his face. 

'Oh great, what now?' Sebastian thought, torn between waking Ciel up and the strange urge to let the other enjoy his well deserved sleep.


	6. Asleep

The feeling of someone's touch was what almost managed to wake Ciel up. A quiet sound of disapproval left his lips before the boy turned around, shielding himself from whoever it was that was trying to destroy his peaceful state of mind and pull him out of his calming darkness. Finally, he managed to find just the perfect position, the tiny bit of consciousness quickly fading away, leaving only the soft and cozy feeling of being cuddled up in blankets on a soft bed. 

Sebastian was at a loss. 

Having argued with himself for a few minutes, he had decided that waking Ciel up and reminding him to leave would be the best decision. First of all, they really weren't that close. You don't just sleep at someone's home when you barely know them. He himself didn't really mind but he could imagine that the blue haired boy would rather wake up in the comfort of his own home than at someone else's. The other thing was, he still had what his mother had said in the back of his mind. On the off chance that Ciel really did like Sebastian, it would do absolutely no good if the boy grew accostumated to sleeping here. 

However, Sebastian hadn't expected that, instead of waking up when he'd poke Ciel's face, the boy would mumble a few sleepy words and then go back to sleep, cuddling his outstretched hand like it was some sort of plush animal. He eyed the sleeping male for a moment, taking in that calm and peacful expression that adorned his face. It would, after all, probably be gone a few seconds after he'd wake up. Sebastian himself knew pretty damn well just how good of an escape sleep could be. In those few hours, you don't have to live the life forced upon you, and for about five seconds after waking, you have yet to realize who, where, and, what you are. Sleep was nice, in Sebastian's opinion. The black haired boy sighed, slowly retreating bis finger and accidentally brushing over a lock of blue hair. He was amazed by the softness of the hair, the way it fell down Ciel's face like water running down a waterfall. 

And for some reason, the blue color didn't make it look all that unnatural. The color suited Ciel, especially when his eyes were open and a few locks fell into his face, his fringe effectively covering half his face most of the time. 

The slight difference between the two shades of blue just helped each feature stand out a little more. Complete with a tiny nose, basically white skin and the pale pink lips, Ciel had all the features of a porcelain doll, only there was something that was everything but innocent in his face. 

The way he carried himself, showing each person just how broken he was, unaware of the fact that he was easier to read than he himself believed, but no less complicated, had, within a few weeks, been enough of a reason for Sebastian to want to try and read each chapter of this broken boy. 

Ciel was like a piece of art, created by a tortured artist, looking at it would probably never make you happy, and yet you can hardly keep your eyes from staring.  
In a way, he was the first... special person that Sebastian had ever met. 

And wine red eyes opened slightly as that thought came to his mind. 

He wished he could just get rid of that silly little infatuation he had with Ciel. Not only did Sebastian wish he wouldn't care at all because it would make things for himself easier, he also was afraid that, if he continued to behave this way towards Ciel, the boy might mistake it as some sort of affection. 

And it wasn't. 

Once Sebastian would be done staring at the same picture over and over again, even if he'd manage to fix Ciel, it would get boring. Sebastian was just human after all, always searching for something bigger and better than he already had, something more interesting. And broken things only really capture interest for as long as you believe there's something more to them than you can see.   
The raven sighed as he pulled the blanket up so it covered Ciel entirely. He went to his mother's room, stealing a blanket and a pillow for himself; she had about 10 pillows and three blankets in her bed after all. Sebastian shortly debated on whether he would like to sleep in Claude's room, but decided against it. The relationship between the two really had never been the best and with the way Claude had been acting lately, it bordered on disgust what he felt for his half brother. He wouldn't be able to sleep well in that room. 

Ciel still lay on his bed as he returned to his room, throwing the pillow on the floor right next to the bed and using the blanket as a soft thing to sit on as he turned on the TV and flipped through the channels. When nothing he was really interested in was on the TV, he opted to watch a cartoon show even though the humor was a bit too harsh for his liking. 

The hours went by silently. Sebastian had always been a night owl, even if he didn't have anything special to do, the thought of going to sleep too early had never settled to well with him. At night, everything simply was better. And he'd enjoy the evening than to suffer the morning hours awake.   
..

Ciel saw sharp golden eyes in his dream. A sickening smile was directed at him as a voice he very much despiced began talking.

"If you honestly believe that someone would help you without gaining something for themselves, you're dumber than I thought. You should know best what humans are capable of." 

The boy winced, wanting to defend himself.   
"I don't believe anything. And I won't ever believe in anything, or especially, anyone ever again. Just shut up, you don't know me at all." Anger. It was anger Ciel felt, deadly and poisonous anger. If only the other would shut up. 

"I know how desperate you are for someone or something you can rely on in that pathetic life of yours, it's quite amusing honestly, the things you do simply because you fear that someone might leave." 

Ciel went still then, knowing just how true it was, but how could he not try and to everything to stop people from leaving when be had experienced more than once how easy it was for them to go? But it had never once felt easy for him to be left. 

"Sebastian's not like that, he's not like you," the words had left his mouth before he knew and he himself wondered why he just said them. 

Somehow, Sebastian didn't seem like someone to drop him just as easily. Yet Ciel knew his mind wasn't the most stable with all the stress he'd been having lately and it had him doubting whether his judgement really wasn't biased when there, suddenly, someone just appeared out of this air and treated him with more kindness than anyone around.

"Well, who'd have known you'd fall into the claws of a new demon that fast? I'm sorry to say that he's a lot more like me than you would like to let yourself notice. In a few weeks at best, you'll be in just the same situation like a few weeks ago, why would he even want to be near you?  
Who will you run to then?

When you have to face yourself again?”  
Ciel fell silent and his eyes closed tightly. Why should Sebastian stay? He didn't have the answer. And maybe, that in itself was enough of an answer. 

..

Sebastian's mother usually never woke her son up because there was no need to. 

Today, however, it was two PM and there had been not a single sign of life from either Sebastian or the boy he had brought with him, and that fact coupled with her curious nature was enough of a reason for her to enter her son's room after her knocking went unanswered. The picture she was greeted with would have probably made her squeal if she was a teenage girl. Ciel was lying on the bed, disappearing underneath all the covers, while Sebastian seemed to have fallen asleep while watching TV, his head having fallen on the bed right next to Ciel's. Their breathing was pretty much in synch and a few locks of Sebastian's dark black hair fell into the younger one's face, though it didn't seem to disturb his slumber. Ciel's hand fell down Sebastian's torso, half curled around Sebastian's neck. 

The TV was still running and she quietly turned it off.  
She sighed dreamily before she quietly left the room. Her motherly intuition told her that Ciel was going to become an important person in Sebastian's life and she could only hope that this was the case. After all, since her husband, Sebastian's father, had died, she had feared that the boy would never let anyone come close again. He had denied over and over again that he even cared for his father, especially since the former soldier hadn't been there a lot, but she simply knew this wasn't the case. 

He had cared for his father, had admired the strong and somewhat strict man, but after all the years he had spent mostly away from them, the disappointment and anger of being left had simply replaced the tender and loving feelings. Feelings seldomly were a black and white thing, one side was needed to feel the other. 

She saw potential in Ciel, even though she barely knew about the boy, and even though he seemed to be quite the troubled teenager. But in her job, she had learned over and over again that the best people were the most likely to be broken by life, because they cared and they felt; sometimes a little too much. Unlike those who were able to regulate pain and sorrow and just live, a lot of good people had the tendency to get caught up in negative emotions. Of course, it wasn't the case for all, but oftentimes it took for a person to really sink to the water's ground before they would learn how to swim. 

Still, she'd talk to her son about the scars on Ciel's arms and his underweight body soon, after some time of thinking everything over and learning a bit more about Ciel. Also, there was still some doubt in her mind concerning Sebastian. To see a person dear to you suffering to deal with these kinds of things was not something everyone could manage.

When the door softly fell in the lock, Ciel's eyes opened slightly for the shortest moment before they closed again. Sun fell into the room through the window that had remained open throughout the night, making the air inside the room not exactly cold but a little fresh. Blue eyes were forced open again, and then went wide. This wasn't Ciel's room. It smelled different, the bed and the sheets were softer and it definitely didn't look like it. A small hand was raised as Ciel pushed his bangs out of his face, the hair tickling his nose. And within only a second, a realization hit him. 

This wasn't his hair. Right there, lying incredibly close to him, was Sebastian Michaelis. The other was so close, if Ciel had wanted to, he could have counted the other's deep black eyelashes. He took a deep breath, wondering if he was still dreaming. Meanwhile, his memories of yesterday began to return, starting with the fight with his father, ending with him being here in Sebastian's room. 

Parts were missing and he briefly wondered if it was the effect of the alcohol he had drunk. He couldn't remember falling asleep and much less, falling asleep with Sebastian right next to him. He had never slept so close to anyone. The thought had him blushing only a slight bit.

Though, he couldn't really say that he was sleeping right next to him, it looked a lot more like the other had fallen asleep while watching TV and his head had fallen on the soft bed coincidentally. 

'Of course, why would he want to sleep so close to someone like me?' Ciel thought bitterly. Though, why should it upset him? Ciel had absolutely no right to be mad that Sebastian didn't try to be close to him, and it was not like Ciel really wanted him to be, the boy argued. He couldn't stand people coming too close to him. 

The bitter taste of his dream was still on the top of his tongue however, and despite everything, he moved just the tiniest bit closer to the bigger body, the warmth that came from it showered Ciel's body with the feeling of calmness and comfort, two of the things the body desperately needed.

His eyes wandered to Sebastian's lips, and Ciel found it hard to look away again until he slowly managed to get out of his dream like state.

When he shifted slightly, pushing the blanket off himself as it was suddenly a bit too warm, he was shocked to see red eyes open and staring right in his face. He moved back a bit instantly, pulling the blanket back up as some sort of defense. 

Sebastian chuckled quietly, "What a way of saying good morning. Have you slept well? You look like a mess," the older explained laughing, a hand reaching up to Ciel's head so be could make the boy's hair look somewhat more presentable. 

Ciel's eyes were wide open, the way Sebastian talked to him so casually and took the liberty of touching him just like that was too much to take in all at once. Color came to his cheeks and he looked downright embarrassed as he lightly pushed Sebastian's hand away, but it only got worse as he realized that he was basically holding Sebastian's hands for a few seconds. His eyes traveled to their hands as they were not really interlocked but still touching, he then stared at Sebastian, who seemed more amused than anything. 

Ciel swallowed and let go of Sebastian's hand. 

'Shit shit shit, this can't be happening, what is all of this leading to?!' was the only thing going through his mind as he didn't dare to look at the other for another second. Ciel couldn't be falling for an older boy he had only just met weeks ago. A boy who, in some twisted way, seemed to care for him, but definitely not in a romantic way.   
Sebastian, on the other hand, was slightly confused at Ciel's odd behavior since he had waken up. 

"I didn't... Why did I even sleep here?" Ciel murmured awkwardly. 

Sebastian smirked. "Oh, you really were that drunk?" His eyes shone mischievously, "Lets just say we had some fun yesterday night," he finished and there was a moment of deadly silence, Ciel's eyes as wide as plates, as he stammered, "Wait a second, y- you mean we.."

Laughter escaped Sebastian's mouth once more before Ciel could even finish what he was saying. Teasing the young boy was just too much fun, he simply couldn't stop himself. 

"Oh god you actually believed me," he replied, voice hoarse from laughing, "no, god no. We didn't do a thing. You just happened to fall asleep and when I tried to wake you up, you cuddled my arm and simply refused to be awakened. You looked just like a tired kitten cuddled up in that bed. So I thought some sleep might be good for you and decided against waking you up." 

An angry look was shot Sebastian's way, though there was also relief in Ciel's eyes. At least he hadn't lost his virginity without even realizing it. He was, however, pissed that Sebastian would joke about his sexuality just like that. Even though, maybe he didn't know Ciel was gay. He probably wouldn't seem to be as comfortable around him if he knew. Males just had the habit of instantly assuming that, if someone was into boys, they'd automatically be into them. 

So maybe it was good Sebastian didn't know. After all, he could honestly do without having Sebastian think he was into him.

"That's not funny at all, idiot. So quit laughing," he protested, arms crossed in front of his chest. The action only had Sebastian laughing even harder, the tall body shacking in amusement. 

Ciel eyed him with annoyance, "really, you can stop laughing now, it wasn't that funny." He was relieved to see that, eventually, the laughter began to fade, leaving only an amused smirk behind on Sebastian's face. 

Sebastian's hands were raised in defeat, "I'm fine, it was just... That look on your face was simply priceless."  
He got another death stare as a reply, though this time Sebastian suppressed the laughter. Teasing was only fun for so long until it became truly annoying. 

"So, do you even have a headache? You don't seem to be in too much pain. Would you like some breakfast?" Sebastian asked, somehow hoping the answer would be a a'yes, I'd enjoy breakfast very much'. It would be quite the relief to know that the boy ate enough before he'd leave. Ciel just regarded Sebastian suspiciously, he had learned that people easily picked up on his strange eating habits if he wasn't careful enough. He silently wondered whether Sebastian would comment on it if he'd answer with a no.

Before the boy could shake his head and decline, Sebastian spoke up again though. "No matter if you're hungry or not, I gotta show you my mom's chocolate cake. She makes it with little pieces of chocolate on top and chocolate sauce on the inside, and let me tell you, that cake is the best thing in the world." Sebastian had a more than convincing grin on his face, knowing fully well that he had Ciel trapped. The young boy couldn't just say no after all that praise. It was a cruel move, but Sebastian honestly didn't care so much about being fair right now. He'd rather know that Ciel won't die of starvation anytime soon than to leave him the choice of what he was comfortable with eating.

A pale lower lip was being chewed on as Ciel's eyes searched for somewhere to look. Uncomfortable and awkward were the most fitting words for what he was feeling and the thought of shoving that food inside his mouth like he was some sort of animal on a farm, waiting for the day he'd be fat enough to die, had his stomach feeling unwell. 

'Don't freak out, it's only food. Food you'll have to eat in front of someone, food that's going to be visible on your body. It's cake for fuck's sake, why couldn't he offer an apple or anything?'Ciel's eyes went unfocused for a moment, unbeknownst to the boy letting Sebastian see the emotion that shortly adorned Ciel's face. It was a mixture of fear and disgust; Ciel looked downright displeased with what he had said.

A smile was forced on Ciel's face. "I really do not feel so well yet, I'd prefer some tea and maybe I'll eat some of that cake of yours afterwards. Besides, I’m not much of a breakfast type." Sometimes, Ciel wondered if it was even worth it, keeping up that little facade of his. It felt just like anyone could see right through him either way, like the disguise he had simply made it easier for people to see what was really on his mind. It was always that with him, a game of pretense. Trying to show the right sides to everyone, burying the ones he hated and wanted no one to know about underneath a layer of calm indifference or some sort of acting. He honestly was more of an actor than anything. 

‘I probably lie more than I speak the truth.’

And just sometimes, he even managed to tell himself that there was no problem, so long until he believed it, only for his world to be shaken the next time he was forced to open his eyes. 

Sebastian nodded at Ciel, frowning. 

He gestured for the younger male to follow him as he got up, stretching his arms shortly. He briefly wondered how long he had been sleeping in that uncomfortable position. It sure felt like it had been a bit too long. 

Ciel followed Sebastian wordlessly, feeling like he had disappointed the other. He himself didn't even know what the right thing to do was. On one hand, there was the belief that eating as little as possible was some sort of proof. Anyone could eat big amounts of anything, but fewer managed to keep themselves from doing enjoyable things like that. Only, after some weeks of dieting, it was just as hard to eat enough and not overdo it with the restricting. Combine that with the strange fear of eating in front of people he had developed, and you get the picture of how much of a complicated issue eating had become for him. 

He had never wasted a thought on his eating habits until about one year ago, when his family life had began to fall apart and he had felt like nothing but a nuisance for all of those around them, being pushed from one parent to the other like some sort of room decoration that one became tired of seeing. 

Ah, the good old times. 

"What kind of tea do you want?" The words stopped the thoughts that were occupying Ciel's mind. He had the habit of getting lost in his thoughts. 

He looked at the other with a small smile on his face. "Earl Grey please, if you have any."

As Sebastian began to search for the tea, he started speaking, looking at Ciel from the corner of his eye. 

"Really now, Earl Grey? I would've expected some fruit tea or maybe green tea. But I don't know anyone else our age who enjoys to drink tea that doesn't taste sweet at all. They all even put half a cup of milk and more than a few spoons of sugar inside their coffee," Sebastian smirked, thinking about all the kids his age who liked to think of themselves as adults with their 'I love coffee so much'-act. 

"Well, good thing I'm not like them and for your information, I hate coffee. And if I drink black tea, I want it to taste like just that, not like sugar water. That way, I neither have to deal with high blood pressure, nor with diabetes when I'm thirty," Ciel responded. It seemed Sebastian and him had at least one thing in common; the hatred for people their age who drank too much over sugared coffee. He snickered, 'what a great foundation for a relationship,' before looking away and blushing slightly. Or at least, it felt like that. When did this begin happening again? Even he himself could say that he probably looked pathetic. 

Sebastian had prepared boiling water in the meantime, giving Ciel the opportunity to focus on the tea box Sebastian had picked some tea leaves from. It looked like finest quality tea, the contrast between the generally dark brown leaves and some bluish looking parts quite noticable. There was a slight smell of lemon clinging onto the box.

Ciel sighed, hoping that his color had returned to normal by now. 

"Ciel? I'm sorry if the moment's not that fitting, but I wanted to talk about something a little personal with you. If you don't want me to, just say stop and that's what I'll do. We don't know each other for that long after all and I'd completely understand," Sebastian began as he poured the hot water on top of the brown tea leaves, making a cloud appear right in front of him for a few moments. The hot tea cup was placed on the table in front of Ciel and blue eyes followed the smooth movements.

Was it him or had that sounded somewhat... suggesting?

“U-uh sure, what is it?”

He had cleared his troath, but his voice still came out as a shaky whisper. The boy tried to cover it up with a cough, mentally preparing some sort of comment about his asthma in case Sebastian would try to tease him. A small hand was raised to his hair, twirling it around his finger a few times before wandering over to his ear and starting to toy around with his tiny black earring; a bad habit that showed itself whenever he was nervous. 

Sebastian noticed very well that Ciel seemed a little nervous with how his voice had sounded and the way he couldn't seem to keep his hands still. Instead of teasing the younger male about it, however, he had decided to keep things serious, he had thought about it for quite a bit after all, and had eventually decided to offer Ciel some sort of help, officially that is. 

“Whether you want to admit it or not, I know that for some reason, you're being picked on, or rather, assaulted byeventually a group of at least twenty people at school. I can hardly offer to be there and protect you all the time as though you're some damsel in distress, so-”

“There's absolutely no need for me to be protected by you, I can really manage on my own,” Ciel interrupted, not letting the older boy finish his sentence. There was a certain amount of bitterness in his voice at the topic.   
“That's what I thought,” Sebastian mumbled to himself before continuing. “So it shouldn't be a problem for you to help me out with my training, would it? Ever since I was a kid, my father has been teaching me how to fight, so I now know the techniques, but I lack a training partnerhe since he passed away. And I think a bit of training doesn't sound that bad for either of us, now does it?” He continued with a smirk on his lips. If it'd make it easier for the boy when he felt like he wasn't receiving help but just being helpful himself, Sebastian gladly put himself in the position of the one to ask for it. 

Despite all his planning and thinking things through, Sebastian was not sure how to read the boy’s expression.   
“You'd better not believe that I'm going to start calling you teacher from now on simply because you know more about fighting than me,” he paused and heaved a sigh, “ When do we start?” Ciel asked, face straight. Even though he'd rather die than admit it, he was secretly glad for the invitation. It felt like something to hold onto, and somehow, the fact that it was Sebastian he would be training with made things less... Unappealing.

Astonishment was apparent on the older’s face. ‘Well, that went better than expected for a change.’ 

He poured Ciel a cup of tea and handed it to the younger with a pleasant smile on his face. It felt a bit like training a defiant child, dealing with Ciel. Like the boy had yet to be taught what was good for him, and what wasn't so much.

The cup was taken from his hands with what could almost be called excitement. It seemed like the boy’s mood was, for once, not quite as dark as usually, leaving a tiny hint of his happier self exposed, and Sebastian enjoyed to look at this side of the blue haired boy. Maybe it was the fact that he had let his guard down, the knowledge that there was now some sort of base for a friendship, Sebastian thought, and it made him glad. The second plus was that with a little training, Ciel would surely not be quite as easily beaten down by others anymore. And maybe, just maybe, the constantly ringing alarm clock in Sebastian's head would give him some rest, and he wouldn't be on constant watch like a guard dog protecting their master anymore if Ciel finally learned to deal with things himself.

A smile was directed at Ciel and the younger suddenly wasn't so sure where to look, his cheeks were heating up and his heart was beating faster than usually. 

“As soon as possible, of course. I don't have a lot of things planned generally speaking, so it's pretty much up to you.”   
Wide blue eyes looked up at Sebastian and the latter swallowed at how intensely he was being stared at, feeling his throat tightening. ‘I wish I had never looked at those photos, just now the look on his face was so very alike to when he was standing in front of the mirror... I've gotta tell him one day that I saw him naked. But how to explain that without sounding like a total creep?’ Sebastian wondered. 

“I don't have a lot of things planned either, I barely know how I manage to kill all of my time doing practically nothing of importance all day,” the younger of the two confessed, only realizing a second later how weirdly depressing it had sounded, and he quickly added, “U-uhm I mean I don't have many things planned, just small stuff of no importance, you know? Besides, where do you even plan do your training? I barely think your room is big enough, and you probably don't want any of your furniture damaged or anything,” Ciel changed the subject. 

“We have a room in the cellar that’s pretty much empty except for a small couch and a TV. There are also a few mattresses we can lay out on the floor so it doesn't hurt as much if you fall to the ground. How about you come here on Tuesday, and we'll see if you're an alright training partner?”

Ciel eyed him with a smirk,“yeah we'll see about that.”  
Sebastian nodded as he moved through the kitchen, preparing himself a simple sandwich for breakfast. “You really don't want to eat anything?”

Ciel shook his head slightly before answering. “I'm fine, I'll eat when I get home,” he lied through his teeth. He got up and placed his now empty cup of tea in the sink, not wanting anymore. There'd be other things to worry about once he got home, like his father, for example. The man had been getting more violent lately and Ciel could only guess that it was because he was slowly realizing that he had no chance left with Ciel's mother. Back when they had broken up, it had been easy to see that Vincent had wanted her back. He was, however, too proud to make the final step and tell her. What made things even more complicated was the fact that one of the reasons Rachel had ended the relationship had been Vincent's lack of being able to express feelings properly. Couple that with Vincent's new lifestyle full of alcohol and women, and the rather sudden and unexpected problems arising with the company Ciel's dad had owned, and you get the picture. A dysfunctional couple, both better off without the other, yet one of them clings onto the hope of everything getting better one day. It didn't, however, so there was a need for someone to blame everything on. 

And here Ciel was, hoping dearly that he would never and up like his father, but feeling like he was one the best way to become just like him.

As though that thought had been the final straw, the darkness was there suddenly, unexpectedly. Just as the feeling of falling began to make itself shown, something kept Ciel standing. 

Eyes were opened slowly, and only now did Ciel begin to pick up on his unhealthy sounding breathing and the way everything was suddenly a bit.. distant. His whole body felt like it was hurting, like his insides were about to explode. The things he heard seemed to come from far away, but he knew they were right beside him. Anxiety was the main thing he felt, and for second, the boy was almost sure that this was it and he was going to die. He closed his eyes again, glad that he didn't have to deal with everything at once. Or with anything at all. 

He felt light, like a feather that'd fly away with the slightest bit of wind. It had happened out of nowhere, one second Ciel had been talking, the next he had stood up, and next thing Sebastian knew, he had rushed over to his side, catching a shaky Ciel in his arms just before he could hit his head on the cold white kitchen floor. The raven forced Ciel to look up, holding his chin in place and shaking the tiny and bony body slightly at the same time. Even though it wasn’t a heavy breathing, he was glad to see that Ciel's chest rose and fell as it was supposed to, albeit a tiny bit quicker than usually. 

“Shit, Ciel!”

Sebastian then made up his mind. If the boy wasn't going to regain consciousness within the next few minutes, he was going to call an ambulance for sure, no matter what the exact reason for Ciel's sudden problem was. It was probably the look on the boy’s face what made panic rise inside Sebastian. What if Ciel was going to die? What if this was some sort of serious illness? He tried to think of any illness that would fit, but couldn't quite come up with anything. It was just like holding a life sized doll in his hands, Ciel was so very thin and pale, but right now it seemed even more obvious than usually. It felt to Sebastian like any small movement he made could break the boy into pieces.

One of the lifeless hands suddenly made the slightest move to cling onto his shirt and it felt like the weight of a thousand stones fell from Sebastian's chest. He stopped breathing for a second. 

“Ciel, can you hear me?” 

A small nod was the only answer he got for the moment, but it was enough, more than enough. Sebastian then pulled Ciel into his arms, carrying him over to the couch like a bride, legs and arms still hanging down his sides. He could practically hear how much Ciel tried to concentrate on breathing, but the boy didn't say anything at first, his breaths being the only sound in the otherwise silent kitchen. It was only when Sebastian let go of him, placing the body on the couch as comfortably as he could, that a few words left Ciel’s mouth again. 

“Don't go away,” the boy murmured, his voice sounding so very small and broken that Sebastian almost thought he had imagined that the boy said anything at all. 

“I'm not going anywhere,” he assured the other, a smile on his lips.

“You'd better not,” Ciel mumbled with closed eyes, turning his head slightly so he was facing away from the other. A sound of displeasure left Ciel's mouth and he turned some more, still uncomfortable. It took him a few minutes of laying on the couch until he was able to think properly again. He slowly opened his eyes, blinking at the brightness inside the living room with its many large windows. His mouth fasted dry and he was grateful as Sebastian offered him a glass of water without assaulting him with words or worse, questions, right away. 

Ciel drank almost all of the glass at a slow pace before speaking up. He eyed Sebastian who had decided to sit on the floor right beside the couch, leaving them in a position very alike to the one they had been sleeping in that night.   
“Before you ask,” Ciel coughed twice before continuing, “I'm sorry if I scared you, it’s just that I have been having some..circulatory problems lately.” 

Red eyes scanned Ciel's face skeptically, leaving Ciel toying around with his earring once again. It wasn't like he had really lied, after all he wasn't so sure himself what had caused the breakdown, it could have been an asthma attack, or maybe even a panic attack, though he'd only had one once before. Or maybe, he should really not go days without eating anything. Maybe he had been too careless.  
“To be honest, you really did make me worry, though that seems to be a habit of yours,” the last part was spoken quietly and somehow, Sebastian wished he had kept it to himself. 

“Wha-what did you just say? I mean, I couldn't quite head you.” But he had. 

“Never mind, I was just talking to myself,” Sebastian shrugged and Ciel felt the tiniest bit of disappointment at those words. If it was true that Sebastian really did care for him, then that might mean that he actually liked him.   
‘What am I even thinking about? It's not like someone like him would ever truly care for me,’ the boy scolded himself for his wishful thinking. 

He sat up on the couch, staring at Sebastian in a calculating manner. The older boy seemed like he didn't hide anything from Ciel, he hadn't done anything wrong so far and yet, Ciel didn't know at all what to think about Sebastian Michaelis. People who seemed a bit too good to be true, turned out the exact opposite of what they seemed more often than not, in Ciel's experience. Yet, he somehow wished that Sebastian truly was different. 

Blue eyes seemed clouded again for a few seconds, Sebastian realized. Whenever Ciel was lost in his thoughts, this seemed to happen. Whether Ciel knee or not, Sebastian couldn't tell, but he knew that Ciel seemed to think of himself as a lot more distant and cold than he actually came across. He wasn't sure whether the boy remembered the words he had spoken minutes ago, ‘don't go away,’ somehow, these words seemed to describe the boy better than anything. It was like Ciel was reaching out for someone, and Sebastian had just naturally taken over the role of the person whose hand he could take, even though it had never really been fitting for him up until now. 

He couldn't remember a time he had been so worried about someone as he had been about Ciel minutes ago, which left him trapped. Even if he wanted to, Sebastian knew that there was no way be could just forget about Ciel and all the chaos the boy was in, but the worst part was that it wasn't only how broken Ciel was that pulled him in anymore. If he could get to see the young boy free of all the thoughts and feelings plaguing him, then it'd be worth all the trouble it might cause him. 

“I think it's better if I leave now,” Ciel finally spoke up and Sebastian briefly wondered why the boy’s face seemed so red. Hadn’t he been looking almost white just a few minutes ago? 

Sebastian nodded, even though he felt like there were so many things he still wanted to talk about to Ciel. But maybe, now was neither the right place nor the right time. Before he'd get to know anything more private about Ciel, they'd have to be closer. 

“Is it okay if I bring those back on Tuesday? What time was it again?” He spoke in a rushed voice. 

“Whenever you have time,” Sebastian replied smoothly with a smirk. 

“How about late afternoon? I'll try to be there around four, but I can't promise that I'll make it in time,” Ciel answered, not wanting to explain his reasons. 

“And you're sure that I can let you walk around on your own just like that, when you were unconscious only minutes ago?” red eyes were serious as they looked Ciel right in the eye and he felt his blush increasing. 

“I don't know how to prove it, but I promise I feel just fine. And stop acting like an overprotective boyfriend, I can still walk around on my own, you know?” he finished softly. 

Just as the words had left Ciel's mouth, his eyes opened wide and he looked away in embarrassment yet again.   
He then was quick to stand up, only mouthing a short,“upwell, I’ll see you then,” and made his way to the door so fast, it seemed as if he was escaping a dangerous situation, which in a way, he truly was. He couldn't afford to start feeling.. things for Sebastian just because he was the only person in a long time to give him a feeling that made him feel like he mattered. He knew he had been looking at the black haired boy for a bit too long for it to be normal. 

Ciel sighed as he stood in front of the door, hand reaching out to turn the door knob, but it was stopped before he could make his way out. A strong hand was holding his arm in place and it encircled the thin arm completely, leaving him unable to break away, even if he wanted to. 

Ciel could practically feel the presence of Sebastian's body right behind his back, the distance between them so small that it was almost not existent, leaving the young boy trapped between the door and the taller body. Ciel was trying hard not to let his mind wander, but he downright failed. Besides, his mind didn't have much wandering to do, he was positive the situation in itself would be enough to leave anyone who’d see them wondering about the nature of their relationship. How could a guy like Sebastian, who was obviously not into guys, just put him in a situation like that? Was it some sort of joke, or did Sebastian really have no idea how fast the action was making Ciel's heart beat. He let his head face downwards, leaning against the door with his free arm. 

‘Maybe it just seems suggesting because I have been staring at his lips for the last two minutes when we sat there like some sick pervert,’ Ciel pondered, chewing on his lower lip, still facing the door. He hoped that Sebastian wasn't able to hear his heart beating so fast.

When the other didn't say anything for a moment and the tickling feeling inside Ciel's stomach only began to grow, he turned around faced him, trying to mask his thoughts as good as possible. Of course, Sebastian's eyes were, how else should it be, not at all shining with anything romantic and Ciel wished his stupid teenage hormones would stop playing tricks on him like that. Instead, however, there was something unreadable in Sebastian's eyes and they softened slightly only when he began to talk, the rest of his body still somewhat stiff. 

“I'm sorry if surprised you, you were just leaving so fast and..” 

Deep blue eyes stared back at Sebastian and he had to pause for a moment. He suddenly found it a bit hard to focus.

“And?” Ciel asked breathlessly, not sure what he wanted Sebastian to add. 

“And I wanted to give you my number so you could call in case you can't make it on time,” Sebastian finished, noticing the way the younger's eyes were no longer focused on his eyes but instead on something a bit lower. He shrugged it off, even though he noticed the red color on Ciel's cheeks again. 

The hand that had been holding Ciel's arm in place then moved to his hand and Ciel couldn't do anything other than holding his breath as it brushed over his. When was the last time he had been this close to anyone? Had he ever truly been so close to anyone except for when someone was beating him up? Probably not. As the hand left his, there was a piece of paper inside it, Sebastian's number written on it with a black pen. For a boy, Sebastian's handwriting was quite nice, Ciel noticed. 

He took a small step backwards as he suddenly lost the support of Sebastian's hand, accidentally bumping into him and panicking again until he heard a silent laughter from Sebastian and managed to relax a little. 

Within a few seconds, Sebastian had moved away from him, leaving Ciel some personal space. He opened the door for the boy and let the small figure slip through it. When Ciel was outside, looking a bit less nervous than he had for the last few minutes, he smiled at him. “I'll see you then,” he said pleasantly. 

Ciel returned a small smile and waved the other goodbye as he started walking. Even though summer was just about to begin, he could feel the sun warming his skin instantly. He boy tried to ignore his fear of people seeing him in the short clothes and swallowed, bracing himself.   
“I’m looking forward to it,” he admitted without a thought before turning around and hearing the door fall into the lock behind him. A small sigh left his lips and he murmured to himself, “what am I even getting myself into?” 

Sebastian, on the other side of the door, was asking himself just the same question.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song for this chapter: 'Every you, Every me' by Placebo  
> Next one will be up soon, I have about 1000 words left to write so it shouldn't take more than a few days c:   
> Thanks for all the feedback so far and have a nice day~


	7. Chapter 7

A loud cry echoed through the empty street, and Ciel couldn't quite pinpoint the source of it at first. It had been desperate more than anything; the kind of cry that left the mouth of someone who didn't even believe in receiving help anymore. Like a cornered animal. 

And despite the fact that Ciel was allergic, there was only one thing to do as he stood in front of the small fluffy thing that stared up at him with its deep green eyes. Ciel wasn't sure whether the kitten was hurt, or just lost. He was, however, sure that a cat that young wasn't supposed to be stumbling along the sidewalk where a car could appear and hit it anytime. 

He picked the kitten up, and the young animal didn't even try to pick up a fight upon being lifted from the ground. 

“You seem kind of lost,” he muttered, half to himself, half to the kitten. The latter just closed its eyes, and it seemed like the green eyes were the only thing that had made it look alive. Right now, the tiny kitten looked more dead than anything, limbs hanging downwards lifelessly.

“... Just like me.” 

That thought in mind, he knew there was no way he would just leave the defenseless animal here all by itself. With the kitten tightly pressed to his chest, he began to walk even faster in the direction of his home, sneezing every once in a while.   
..

Ciel closed his eyes tighly, the cellphone in his hand heavy like the weight of a stone tied to one's feet. He bit his lower lip hard, as though the pain would change the picture presenting itself in front of him. The boy stood in front of the large mirror in the bathroom. For the last few minutes, he had been cleaning the area around him, afraid the pictures might give away more than they should. Of where he lived, that is. 

The boy himself was completely naked. There was no way to hide; he was utterly exposed. 

His body looked worn out, bones apparant under the yellow bathroom light; he had lost more than ten pounds over the last weeks. The change was visible, and while it was definitely not enough, it still felt like he had made the tiniest step into the right direction to Ciel. More or less, it felt like the older boy he had a crush on had only noticed him because of it. 

‘If you won't even do this much for me, I honestly doubt I'm important to you at all, I’m just talking about one photo,’ the message had caught Ciel off guard as he had first looked at it.   
For the longest time, he had been able to get away with excuses to postpone, now there was instead a decision to make. Either this or being abandoned. And despite the hatred Ciel clearly felt for his body, he now stood here, ready to make that one final step. Ready to proof that his feelings were real, ready to, for once, take the initiative and stop over thinking things. No more hesitation, no more backing down.

He could do this, and he would. 

Pupils constricted under the bright light of the flash, and a photo was taken. Before looking at it, he took another one, in case the first one was blurred. When he was done taking photos, he let his shoulders slump, bangs falling into his eyes. Ciel really did hope that the pictures had not turned out too horrible, it hadn't been the best day and one could hardly say that eyes puffy from crying and a body more or less covered in bruises looked that appealing. In his opinion, it looked gross even. 

The boy sat down on the cool bathroom floor after wrapping his body up in a towel. The warmth it provided almost caused Ciel's skin to tingle. Proceeding to quickly look at the photos and chose one, he decided to use the first one after a short gaze. Pale fingers then quickly erased the other. Before sending the photo, Ciel paused.

Everything about this felt more than wrong. Why in the world did this have to be the only way to finally have proof for his trust and his feelings? Why did he of all people have to go this far, and show this much? 

He swallowed again. Despite everything, things had seemed to get better lately. When he first began living with his father, he had barely been able to take it. All the conflicts, a whole new school, his best becoming more distant- things had just piled up and he had been left clueless as to what to do about it. 

Like a small helpless child, barely able to make decisions and change anything, even if his life was on the line. That's when he had reasoned with himself. 

‘If I cannot change what's going on around me, at least I can change myself.’

As the ‘send’ button was pressed and adrenalin was flowing through his veins rather than blood, he made amother promise to himself.

“Just 10 more pounds, and as soon as I’m done with that, I don't have to feel uncomfortable looking at myself ever again. Just ten more pounds and my insecurities will never again destroy a relationship with someone close to me again,” he silently whispered like a mantra, repeating the words again and again until he truly believed them. 

In a little while, he would reach his goal and finally be comfortable with himself. And in just a few minutes, he'd get a response to the photo. 

If only he had known before; just sometimes, over thinking things may be a good thing to do. 

For Claude had yet to touch him once, all the other boy had ever asked of him were photos.  
..

Ciel woke up covered in cold sweat, goosebumps covering his body, and it felt like they went all the way up to the hair on his neck. The boy was breathing hard, chest rising and falling in a rather unsteady rhythm. The suffocating sounds of his breathing were the only noise in the room, and Ciel honestly believed that someone up there was trying to make fun of him. There was always noise, always whispering, music or a TV running, it was never this quiet. But now, exactly now when he would wish for anything to distract him, there was nothing at all. 

Just silence that didn't hinder his mind from going right back to where his dream had left him. 

That day, there had been so many different emotions going on inside Ciel, so many things had let his heart beat faster and his eyes lighten up. Back then, despite all the bad things, Ciel had still believed that his life could change for the better. Call it karma or however you want, he had refused to believe that the world would never again let his see the brighter side of things.

Maybe that was why it had hurt so much when fate had wanted to proof him otherwise. The tiny bit of excitement, of hope, that had never left him before, had vanished within seconds as he had first heard the laughter aimed at him. And understanding just what had happened, things had turned around completely. The photo that should have been his ticket into a happier life with the person he wanted by his side, with a body he didn't need to feel ashamed of, both were suddenly so far out of reach, it felt as though there had never been any chance for him to hold onto it, like all his life had been one big mockery,  
His feelings had never once been taken seriously, he had been toyed with more than anything over the past few years. 

And he had to go through it alone because that was how things worked in his life.

Fingers gripped the blanket tighter as that thought ran though his mind. He truly was alone, no matter how much someone might pretend to care, once you turn your back on them, you can expect at least one well placed stab wound. 

He shortly closed his eyes, willing himself to breathe in through his nose slowly and out of his mouth after a few seconds. The moment he opened them, deep green met ocean blue. Ciel almost had a heart attack as the small dark kitten’s face came closer, pretty much shoving its fluffly furr into his face. The cat didn't seem to understand that despite her cute appearance, Ciel could not just spend all his time cuddling witb her. His allergies weren't nearly as bad as when he was a child, but with his asthma, he still couldn't afford to take any chances. 

With a sigh, he lifted the kitten into the air, happy to find that she seemed to have gained at least a bit of weight since he found her. Soft pink paws met the floor and the cat stretched its body as he gently talked to her, “At least you seem to have slept well..”

Out of nowhere, Ciel felt the strong urge to sneeze. He then rubbed his nose, wondering why he had even kept the kitten. Allergies weren't a laughing matter after all, and if the cat would need more food or maybe medicine one day, he could hardly be sure he had the money to buy it. Furthermore, if his father found out he was secretly keeping a pet upstairs, god knows what would happen to the kitten and himself.

‘Don't give me those eyes,’ he mentally scolded the animal that seemed to know just what he was thinking of. 

Ciel had never been terribly fond of cats, but he had always believed that they were at least quite intelligent.   
His eyes traveled to the alarm clock on his desk.   
Almost one PM. 

‘Of course,’ the boy thought to himself, he had only managed to fall asleep at about 6 in the morning, when his body had been so exhausted, not the biggest amount of negative thoughts could have kept the boy awake.  
Ciel yawned as he made his way out of his bed, the thin blanket hadn't provided that much warmth, and as he opened the curtains, the sun felt extremely warm on his skin. Blue eyes stared out of the window, taking in the frustratingly familiar picture. The boy sighed quietly, before a realization dawned on him. 

Today would be his first self defense lesson with Sebastian.

Even if just for today, he had an excuse to get out of here, to actually feel a tiny bit less isolated from the rest of the world. Before he even knew what exactly he was doing, Ciel had made his way over to his desk, grabbing the tiny piece of paper with a few numbers scribbled on top of it.   
Sebastian's number. 

He had willingly given it to him just like that. The thought made his heart beat a bit harder, a light feeling overtaking his body. Ciel's cellphone had stayed inside one of his drawers for about the last two month, the entire time he had been too afraid to even look at it. Afraid of messages, afraid of what people had said about him online... Afraid of stumbling upon his very own photo on the internet. Now however, he opened the drawer and grabbed the device, handling it like an expensive artefact. The cellphone felt unfamiliar in his hand, like it had been years ago that he had caused all of his problems with exactly this thing. 

When a thin finger turned it on, there was a familiar logo flashing on the screen for a few short seconds, then it made way for the menu, dozens of messages and notifications popping up from out of nowhere. Ciel ignored them, even though the temptation to actually see what was being talked about him was actually there. 

He searched for the settings, sighing quietly as he finally found what he was looking for. 

‘Revert to factory settings.’ 

He pressed the button and took a deep breath in as the cellphone began to delete pretty much everything on itself, leaving only a blank screen with some apps behind. 

Everything else was gone, left behind. Nothing to worry about anymore. 

Closing his eyes happily, Ciel enjoyed the feeling of having that burden off his chest. These days, having a phobia of mobile phones could prove to be quite the problem. They were everywhere, used by everyone and for everything. And especially when someone you actually wanted to talk to gave you their number, it would be rude to not leave at least one message behind. 

That was what Ciel told himself as he began typing a message. 

‘This is Ciel. I wanted to inform you that I'll be there around four,’ he typed and then eyed the screen. Shaking his head, he deleted what he had written. It would have aurealy come across as weird. 

‘Sebastian, it's me. I'll be there at about four,’ he then typed, before once again deleting it. 

“Damn it, this can't be so hard. Its just a message,” the box began talking to himself. Rewlly, what had gotten into him? It was only Sebastian. 

‘Sebastian, I'll be there at about four today, do I need certain clothes or anything? -C.’

A thin finger pressed ‘send’ before he could change his mind again. Ciel's body fell backwards on his bed, and his stomach felt like it was about to explode. Restlessness controlled his body more than anything and he found himself staring at the phone, as though his attention would make the answer arrive faster. If there would even be one.

Now, he wasn’t so sure anymore, had texting him really been a good idea? Maybe not. 

That thought, however, disappeared just as fast as it had come, when he heard the characteristic ‘buzz’ of his cellphone. A red light was blinking, signaling the message that had just arrived. Clumsily, the boy fumbled arounford with the cellphone. He wouldn't allow himself to be too eager, just as he couldn't allow himself to fall for the older boy whose message he had been awaiting with so much excitement. But something, the things that weren't allowed were the ones that drew you in most. Just like a moth flying to the light and burning if it got to close; breaking rules could be dangerous, especially if you should have already learned not to make the same mistake twice. 

And Ciel was doing just that, by developing a crush on Sebastian. 

Blue eyes were then confronted with a bright cellphone display, the lights blinding Ciel. 

‘Wear whatever you're comfortable with, I'm looking forward to training later,’ the message read, and a little smile made its way to the boy's lips. Maybe Sebastian really did look forward to their training as much as he did, maybe he liked actually spending time with him.   
He decided not to answer this time, even though the temptation was there, just so he would be in contact with the other. But Ciel didn't really know just what exactly he was supposed to write, and before there would be an awkward conversation that would inevitably end with an exchange of ‘ok, yeah' or an emoji, he’d rather wait and talk to the other later. 

Feeling a bit more energetic than usually, Ciel got up from the bed and padded in the direction of the closet, trying to chose which clothes he would wear later.

His closet consisted of mostly black, white and blue, many of the articles oversized and some rather old. Within a few minutes of search however, be was able to find something somewhat presentable; a pair of rather loose dark jeans, and a thin light grey pullover. Soft skin slid inside the clothes, the fabric cold. 

Finally in his clothes, Ciel stepped over to the mirror, looking at himself. He grabbed a brush and violently tore it through his hair, trying to get the mob of messy blue into some sort of shape. It was to no avail though, his bangs still fell softly into his face, some parts covering his eyes. ‘It's incredible,’ he muttered to himself, cursing the way his hair never did what he wanted it to. 

The next hours went by dreadfully slowly, with Ciel wandering from one room to the other, busying himself with small things like tearing paper into pieces or drawing little doodles. He turned on music at one point, but eventually just turned it off again. His relationship with music had been rather complicated ever since the incident; sometimes, it saved him from the world, and sometimes, it didn't really help at all. 

At half past three, Ciel finally decided he could start his walk in the direction of Sebastian's house, being a few minutes early wasn't that bad of a thing after all. Hastily, he slipped into his boots, starting to tie them. It took about five seconds and a few curses until he gave it up. How often had people mocked him for being unable to tie his shoelaces now? 

When he was done stuffing them inside his boots, he started walking. Outside, nature was coming to life, flowers were covering most of the gardens around, and bright green leaves stuck to the trees. Colors and noise were everywhere, and for the shortest moment, he forgot all about everything that troubled him. For a short moment, he was just a normal boy walking over to a friend, enjoying the warmth that came with the sun's rays as they were beginning to get warmer day by day.   
..

When Sebastian opened the front door twelfe minutes before Ciel had announced he would be there, he found a rather energetic and less grumpy boy standing there than Ciel usually was. Maybe it was an exaggeration, but he could swear he was able to make out the small outlines of a smile on the boy's face. 

“Hey, I'm glad you could make it, how are you today?” Sebastian asked, his voice low and a friendly smile that would have looked fake on anyone other’s face on his lips. Ciel eyed him for a second. Was it normal for people to just ask others like that, whether everything was okay? How was he supposed to answer when right now, he honestly wasn't sure? 

“I’m.. Feeling alright, I guess,” he answered, wide eyes looking up to Sebastian and taking in the other's appearance. Sebastian was wearing a black shirt and a pair of dark jeans. His hair looked the way it usually did, somewhat messy but still attractive. It had grown a little longer since Ciel had first met the other, but that could have been Ciel's imagination. He couldn't remember all that much from their first encounter, the rush of adrenaline and pain coupled with so many things happening that day had left the small details just a blurry mess. 

“No more fainting?” Sebastian asked, thereby showing his real reason to ask how Ciel felt. Had he been worried? 

A frown came to the boy's face upon remembering how he had lost consciousness last time he was here. Maybe he really had overdone it with his fasting after what had happened the last time he had went to school. The more stressed Ciel got, the more likely he was to overthink about his eating habits. He pushed these thoughts away.   
Today, he had eaten two apples, and half a slice of bread. If that wasn't enough, he didn't know what was. 

“No, I mean I haven't had any problems in the last few days, I think it's getting better,” he explained, fumbling with his hair. Simply talking to Sebastian was enough to make him feel a little nervous. 

“That's good to hear, I've been a bit worried to be honest,” the older of the two admitted with a smirk and Ciel found himself wondering whether he was doing these things on purpose. Was the other trying to make him fall for him?

Because, whether he was or not, it was surely working. He fumbled with his shirt awkwardly and pushed a bit of his hair behind his eyes, giving the other an innocent smile, “you always seem to worry about me,” he spoke the words silently and he way they came out, Ciel wondered whether this had seemed a bit too much like..flirting. Cheeks turned red as he realized what he was doing. 

When he coudlnt quite make out what Sebastian was thinking and whether or not he had noticed, he was glad as the other began talking again. 

“Usually not,” Sebastian said and before Ciel had a chance to ask what he meant, the raven continued, “do you want to come in?”

Not answering and instead just moving forward, the boy slipped into the house, his side slightly touching Sebastian's body as he passed him. Ciel's hands felt slightly sweaty and he wiped them on his pants. 

“Do you want to eat or drink something first, or do you want to start right away?” Sebastian asked and only now did Ciel realize that he had started walking without knowing where exactly he was headed. He turned around and faced Sebastian, “whichever you prefer,” the boy purred. 

Red eyes narrowed for a second before Sebastian answered. “If it's okay with you, we could start right away. To be honest, I haven't practiced fighting in a while and I hope I haven't forgotten everything.”

Ciel smiled at the admission and nodded his head. “Sure, let's start then.”

It took them about two minutes until they were downstairs, Ciel following the other with tiny steps as they made their way down into the cellar, into a large and nice looking room. The walls were painted white with all kinds of photos hanging on the walls. In fact, therewwere so many that Ciel barely knew which one to look at first. It was almost like someone had ripped all their photos out of a photo album and used them here. 

“My mother was devastated when my father died, for a long time there were photos of our fmaily back when he was still alive hanging in pretty much every room. 

However, when she got better she noticed that she had somewhat overdone it and this now is the only room with as many photos in it,” Sebastian explained before Ciel could ask. 

The smaller of the two just nodded, taking in the numerous pictures littering the walls. 

As Ciel stood there staring, Sebastian began to move a few mattresses into the right place, creating a soft space where neither of the two would be hurt if they were to fall. 

By the time he was done, Ciel had finished his staring and was now more than eager to see what exactly Sebastian wanted to teach him and just how he wanted to go about it. Before the lesson finally started, Sebastian turned on some music. Nirvana, Ciel recognized the band instantly.   
“Maybe you should take off your shoes,” Sebastian said, a bit amused about how helplessly Ciel stood there, seemingly not knowing what to do. 

“Of course,” the boy answered, kicking them off into the nearest corner. 

“So,” Ciel spoke, wanting the other to start talking again.   
“I think the best option would be to show you a few easy tricks first,” Sebastian explained with a smirk, moving forward at a fast pace just seconds later, and catching Ciel off guard. Before he know what was going on, be was sitting on the mattress, Sebastian standing in front of him. 

“That's not fair, I wasn't ready yet,” Ciel protested, not wanting to seem like he was that bad at these kinds of things. 

“That pretty much sums up the first rule,” Sebastian began explaining. 

“If your opponent doesn't have time to prepare himself or his attention is elsewhere, that increases your chances of being the one to win by at least 30% I would say,” as Sebastian explained it to him, Ciel found that what he had said actually made a whole lot of sense. 

Willing to accept defeat on that one, he gave Sebastian a smirk. “You know, wouldn't you say it's a bit unfair to fight this way? Then it's not really about strenght, but luck instead."

“It's not about luck, it's about planning ahead. Besides, if someone attacks you, you shouldn't worry about playing fair. Rather get out without any injuries.”

Ciel nodded his head. He had expected this to be more of a ‘let's build some muscles’kind of thing, but he found himself enjoying this way more. 

“Show me more,” the boy demanded, fascinated by Sebastian's knowledge. 

Sebastian gave him a nod, clearly confident in what he was doing. 

“Stand up again, in front of me and not too far away,” he said with one of those smirks on his face. 

When Ciel was finally placed on the right spot, Sebastian made sure to keep his movement a little slower and more obvious than usually so the boy would be able to see and remember what he was doing. He grabbed Ciel by the shoulder, unaware of how Ciel's breathing had picked up once he touched him, holding his torso back while moving one of his feet in the are behind his neck, and pushed it forward. Ciel fell forward like a domino, exactly in the right position for Sebastian to catch him in his arms. Blue eyes looked up shyly, only to find Sebastian with yet another smirk in his faces, clearly entertained by Ciel's display of weakness. 

“See? Let's try again and see if you can remain standing, now that you know the trick it shouldn't be much of a problem. 

Ciel tried his best to keep his breathing at a normal pace. He moved out of the raven's arms, determined to remain standing this time. 

After all, he was here to learn how to prevent others from pushing him around. 

“I'll manage, I'm sure,” he said, looking Sebastian right in the eyes that practically glowed with amusement. He puffed his chest out and tried his best to look a little less..feminine and weak. 

This time, when Sebastian's hands grabbed his shoulder, Ciel already knew he'd have to look out for kick in the leg area. As Sebastian's leg made contact with his, he really did his best to keep his balance, by Sebastian sinoly had quite a bit more strength than him, and Ciel couldn't keep himself from falling this time either. 

He was, however, able to grab onto Sebastian's shirt the moment he began to feel himself losing balance. 

Sebastian had expected Ciel to defend himself, but he hadn't expected him to try and push Sebastian to the ground as well while falling. And that's why, otherwise than planned, both of them fell to the ground, Sebastian's larger body right on top of Ciel's small one. 

A noise of shock barely left Ciel's mouth before suddenly, something else was on it. Soft, warm. 

Sebastian had landed right on top of him, his lips hitting the boy's as if in a violent kiss. Ciel couldn't help but move his lips as the lightest bit as a low moan left his mouth. 

His whole body felt so wonderfully light, it was as though everything else just melted away around him. 

His heart nearly exploded with how fast it was beating. Another moan. This was it, this was the feeling he had wanted to reach for so long. Everything seemed so far away. Nothing else seemed to matter, he was kissing Sebastian. 

Except, he wasn't really.

The moment Sebastian pushed himself up with force, red eyes burned with all kinds of covered emotions. Ciel felt utterly vulnerable underneath this intense gaze. Suddenly, the light feeling in his chest was gone. The soft guitar sonds of 'smells like teen spirit' were still playing in the room. 

What had he just done?


	8. Goodbyes

*trigger warning* this chapter is pretty depressing and there are mentions of self harm, eating disorders and suicide. (I mean, this fic is generally speaking rather depressing, but I think this chapter's the most.. Dramatic for now.)

“Shit,” Ciel breathed quietly, reality sinking in slowly, like tea leaves that take their time coloring the water. His fingers reached up to his lips and he barely even registered it as Sebastian, who was by now in a sitting position on top of the smaller one's body, eyed him with what could only be called shock.

‘Disgust,’ Ciel’s mind whispered and though he tried to, he couldn't shake the feeling. He was disgusted with himself, for ever even letting it get this far. For being so pathetic, laughable even. All the time he had thought that things wouldn't get out of his hand again, he had been fooling himself.

Of course, of fucking course he just had to ruin everything once more.

Right then when everything actually seemed alright for once. Of course his heart was beating a bit too fast for it to be normal.

Because that was what always happened. He got attached. Sebastian didn't even have to say a word about the accidental kiss for Ciel to know his thoughts on it. For the longest time, he had allowed Sebastian to pity him, he was done with this.

Before he'd be pushed away, there was only one thing to do.

A slap echoed through the room, though it sounded more viscious than it had been. Ciel's outstretched hand hit hard for his standards, all the frustration about how things had turned out directed solely at Sebastian. Today was supposed to be a good day; no drama, and no more tears.

He already knew he'd probably regret this later, but it was all too much for him to focus on the positive thoughts. If he didn't leave now, things would only get worse and worse and there was only so much false hope one human could feel throughout their life before breaking down. No way in hell would he wait for the other to get rid of him. It would happen eventually anyway. 

Maybe when he saw the photos, maybe when he realized that Ciel wasn't worth all the trouble. “Don't ever fucking pretend to care again,” the boy almost growled through his teeth, and it caught Sebastian off guard even more than the slap had. Within only seconds, Ciel's personality had changed to practically the opposite of what he was used to, and this time, the tears in the younger boy's eyes were different. There wasn't just sadness there. 

There was frustration, anger, fear, all of it at once. Sebastian didn't know what to say. 

When the raven reached out for the boy, instinctly trying to calm him down, Ciel backed away as though his hand was on fire. It took only seconds for the boy to free himself from the weight of Sebastian's body, while Sebastian still sat there cluelessly as to what was going on. “Leave me alone from now on,” Ciel spoke firmly, and something inside Sebastian broke at the cold tone.

Of course, the situation they had found themselves in just seconds ago was awkward to say the least, and Sebastian would have rather not let this happen, but what exactly was the reason Ciel was freaking out like this? It was as though Sebastian had a contagious disease and was the reason Ciel had to die. It just seemed like the boy had suddenly begun to hate him. 

“Ciel, what exactly is,” he began speaking as the other turned away, but only got to finish his sentence once the door was slammed shut behind the trembling boy, “wrong with you?” The words were lost, uselessly thrown into the air where the boy had just been. Within only a few moments, Ciel had disappeared. 

..

In the meanwhile, Ciel was already at the front door of Sebastian's house, doing his best to keep himself from even thinking about turning around going back. He had seen the look before; whenever either of his parents was mad at him again, especially his father, they had looked at him like that. 

And that was only the beginning. At first, there had been disgust written all over their faces. ‘How could my son turn out like this,’ later on it had turned into fighting, throwing insults and then, punches at him. Hateful, unhealthy; sickening- those adjectives described his relationships the most accurately. It was a good thing he had left before the process would have started all over again. 

There was no way he would get hurt now, not if everyone who could was locked out of his heart. This time, he wouldn't be the one to be left behind broken and abandoned. 

With hurried steps, the boy crossed the streets, not even turning to look whether or not a car was coming his way. When he thankfully made his way over to his house healthily, a sigh left his lips and he wiped his tears with his arm, trying to calm down his breathing, but even now, his heart was still beating too fast and breathing didn't come easily to him. Heading for the door, he hoped that his father wouldn't be there to bother him now; he really didn't want to risk getting into a fight with him now in his current mood. 

Chances were, he might not be able to keep his mouth shut. The key was turned around and the door opened with a high pitched sound. No television to be heard and no lights on; at least Ciel didn't have to worry about his father then. He didn't even bother to kick bis boots off, and just ignored them as be made his way upstairs, unable to even care about such little things for the time being. Just like a shell of himself, he might as well have crushed into the door, he probably wouldn't have noticed. It was only when he finally let his body drop on his bed that he noticed how bad his hands were shaking. 

‘Why? Why today?’ Thinking straight was not even a possibility now. It was as though everything had just crashed around him once more, and now here he sat; unsure of what he was supposed to do. 

A pale hand reached over towards the little desk resting right next to his bed. A cigarette was pulled out of the pack, and Ciel wondered when exactly smoking had become a habit of his. His thoughts drifted back to when he was a child and would always lecture his father when he smoked a cigarette; most kids didn't like to see people dear to them smoke. Now here he sat, as broken as a human could get, craving nicotine rather than air. 

Ciel barely managed to light his cigarette with his shakey hands. He just sat there in silence, taking the first drag and coughing a second later. Without a thought, he punched his fist right into the wall next to him; the impact leaving his knuckles bloody and numb except for a tingling that felt sort of unhealthy. 

Though he had managed to stop crying minutes ago, it really didn't change anything. Not even crying would help. Not now. Nothing could make things better for him. He was already a wreck, and he should have never let the whole matter with his feelings for Sebastian get so close to him. Of course, all the positive things he had expected and felt just had to take a turn in the worst direction, and now all of it was haunting him. 

He wasn't even sure whether he wanted to blame himself or the raven haired boy. 

Another series of punches with his already abused hand left a few dark red stains on the wall. Wasn't punching things supposed to help in situations like this? It certainly didn't help him. Blue eyes burned with unshed tears as he accidentally got smoke in them. The tiny body curled up into a ball as Ciel hugged his legs. He took another drag, and closed his eyes. It was only now that he registered the noise of heavy steps making their way up the stairs.

‘Fuck.’ The door flew open and there stood his father, dark shadows underneath his once bright eyes and a furious look on the thin face. Ciel briefly wondered where the man got the energy from to be this upset pretty much all the time, but he shook it off. Right now, he couldn't exactly say that he was better at keeping his mood in control. Maybe, he had always been destined to end up like this. 

Even though his father's eyes were looking right at him, he might as well have been miles away and talking to him over the phone, it honestly wouldn't have made any difference. There was no sense of respect or familiarity between the two.

“You know who called me today, Ciel?” His father began in a way too nice sounding tone, completely ignoring how upset the boy already looked. No questions, no caring words. Just like always. Ciel's mind raced as he tried to figure out the answer, but in the end, his head was empty and he didn't come up with anyone who could have called. At least, no one his father would inform him about.

“It was your teacher,” the man continued and Ciel's eyes widened slightly; he was unsure of what he was supposed to say. “He told me that you haven't showed up in class for five fucking weeks now,” the last part had sounded almost poisonous, and Ciel flinched at the harsh tone. 

“I- it's not the what you think,” the words left pale lips and Ciel already knew that there was no use trying to explain. Yet he tried anyways. Maybe, it was in his nature to not learn from mistakes. “You know what I think? I think you're a lazy piece of shit who does nothing but cause trouble for everyone. And if you're too dumb to even go to school, then maybe I should throw you out of my house so you finally have to get a job and pay for your own shit. You’re going there every fucking day from now on. I never thought my son would turn into a pathetic useless piece of trash like you.” 

The words hit harder than they would have, had Ciel been in another state of mind. Anger and pain seemed to suffocate him the instant these words had been spoken. And for the second time this day, he snapped. 

“You know what I find pathetic? A frustrated alcoholic you can't even call a father anymore, who does nothing but put others down so you don't have to take one second and think about your own fucked up life. You don't even know me at all so just shut up and leave me alone. It's not like I want to be here,” he spoke, eyes cold. “

You didn't just say that you fucking son of a bitch,” Vincent growled, his hand lashing out and hitting Ciel's face hard. The boy felt the taste of blood on his lips, but he didn't even mind. In fact, he was glad the impact distracted him from everything else. 

He stared at the floor without saying another word. Then, a grin came to his face. “You know what, Vincent?” He spoke up again, emphasising the name. “I just though you might want to know that I'm gay, too. I'm not only useless and pathetic, but also into guys.” 

His father's eyes went wide, but instead of the punch he had been waiting for, all Ciel got were a few words before the door was falling into the lock behind the man. 

“ You’re not my son. You disgust me.”

Ciel could hear his father leaving the house, thrashing the furniture in his way, but he didn't even care. His nails were digging into his arms, causing the skin to turn red. A few drops of blood were showing. The words had hurt more than a punch or even a kick would have. In fact, he had only been provoking his father so he wouldn't have to worry about the guilt he felt anymore. For all he cared, his father could have beaten him senseless. That might have been the best thing. 

But he hadn't. 

With a soft hiss, his cigarette was out, and there was another circle of red on his flesh. 

Lately, he had been able to see the shape of his bones when he looked at his arms. He had actually managed to lose weight. 

Only half aware of what he was doing, he padded over to the bathroom, locking the door behind himself. For some reason, he felt like he was about to freeze to death. Goose bumps covered his body and they didn't even disappear as he rubbed his hand over his arm, trying to warm himself up.

However, as he finally stood in front of the bathroom mirror, not even bothering to look at himself anymore, he forgot all about the cold feeling all over his body. It took him about two minutes until he found what he had been looking for all along. 

A tiny piece of metal lay innocently on the sink in front of him. He just eyed it for a second, before his fingers came into contact with the cold razor blade, holding it up carefully, like he was afraid to break it. He felt anxious, like he was about to throw up any second. Would he really go this far? 

For all Ciel knew, if he'd really go through with it, it wasn't just to feel a bit of relief for a little while. If he had to think of the best situation one could imagine to end their life, wouldn't it be exactly at a point where no one would even care anymore? 

He had pushed everyone away. Though, everyone had, to him, been one person alone. Sebastian. Sebastian had said himself that he always worried about Ciel. And to be honest, Ciel himself didn't even believe that there was a solution to all of his issues anymore. 

He was like a sickness, destroying everything he got into contact with. Of course people abandoned him. What else could they do? He briefly though about leaving some kind of message behind, but abandoned the idea. It wouldn't help anyone in the end and there were no expensive belongings he called his that he could give to anyone.

For a moment, the boy just concentrated on breathing; the there was no way he'd let his nerves get the better of him now. He had thought about doing this more often than he could count, backing out wasn't even an option. 

Ciel had often thought about dying, but never really about what came afterwards; what use was there thinking about it when no human would ever come to a conclusion anyway? He just hoped that the end would be final; he refused to believe in reincarnation or anything alike, the thought made him uncomfortable.

‘So this is it then,’ be thought,’this is how I am going to end. I could have really seen it coming. A hollow laughter left his mouth, betraying his nervousness. Did he really want to do this? 

‘No you don't,’ an inner voice spoke, but there was nothing it could do when images of Ciel's future came to his mind; People wouldn't just stop mocking him; he'd never have anyone to rely on. When he'd try to get a job one day, there would be two problems; his grades that had constantly dropped since his parents' divorce, and there was no way in hell employers  wouldn't stumble across his pictures, one way or another. Basically, he was doomed to end like this.

The blade just barely touched his flesh, and he accidentally dropped it with his shakey hands. Another deep breath. He picked it up again, and so did his pulse. He was really going to do this. Already, the prospect of never having to worry about anything again made him feel calm like nothing ever had before. In a way, his emotions were conflictive, but he supposed that was normal in this situation.

A buzzing sound caught the blue haired male off guard. It took a moment for him to realize that he had turned his cellphone on again today. 

‘How ironic, now I've finally taken that step and it won't be of any use in the end.’ He took it out of his pocket, eyeing the device. 

‘Sebastian,’ the name flashed across the screen like a big red warning sign. He waited for a few seconds until the phone stopped vibrating. Whatever Sebastian had to say, it wouldn't change a thing about Ciel's plan, he reassured himself. For the third time, the boy picked up the blade with his right hand, eyeing the inner side of his left arm. 

‘I either do this slowly and back out, or I get it over with,’ with those words in his mind, Ciel pushed the blade against pure white skin, the disgusting feeling of his flesh being torn open by the metal had goose bumps starting to cover his skin once more.

The warmth of the blood that left his body felt strangely good for a moment. He closed his eyes, and pretended like he wasn't sitting in his bathroom with his wrist torn open. He pretended like his father wouldn't find his dead body here in a few hours, most likely. 

Three deep cuts crossed his veins, one that wasn’t quite as deep went from his wrist almost up to his elbow. Even though it looked the most harmless at first, Ciel was well aware that it was most likely the most dangerous of the four. He told himself that no one would miss him, that not a single person would care. And then it hit him. The cat. 

Locked up in his room.

He had brought the tiny kitten here so it would live.

Now, his decision would settle the kitten's fate just like it settled his. A picture of her deep green eyes appeared in his mind and he felt his heart breaking all over again. Maybe it was the loss of blood, maybe it was his love for animals, whatever the reason, he picked up his cellphone with his right hand, the bloody blade dropping out of it and slightly cutting one of his fingers, but he didn't care. 

“Sebastian, there is something I need you to do,” the boy spoke breathlessly as the other picked up after a few seconds. While be spoke, Ciel eyed the blood dropping down his arm on the white floor.

.. 

At first, Sebastian had been confused. However, it took only a few minutes until the confusion made way for anger.

He had been nothing but fair to Ciel for how long he had known him. He had cared, genuinely cared about the boy with the many issues, but even for him, there was a point when he’d stop caring. 

For example now, when he had offered Ciel to train him so the boy would be able to defend himself, and in the end, Sebastian had been sitting downstairs on his own with a swollen cheek and the feeling of guilt. For what, he didn't know. All he knew was that he didn't deserve to be treated the way Ciel had chosen to.

As he made his way upwards, his steps louder than usually, his mother had instantly recognized that something was off.

‘Ah, the perks of having a therapist as a mother.’

“What's wrong?” The woman asked innocently, though Sebastian knew deep down that she really didn’t just ask out of pure curiosity. His mother had always been the kind of person to worry a bit too much. 

“Well, basically, I tried to be a good person for once, and it earned me a punch and an, I quote, ‘I never want to see you again,’ or something along those lines,” he answered, a bitter look on the thin face. 

His mother's warm eyes opened wide at that, “now, how exactly did that happen?” She asked as she leaned against the wall next to her, attention on Sebastian and him alone, not the TV running somewhere in the background.

“I don't even know,” he answered with a sigh, “we only just began with training and somehow, he managed to make me fall on top of him. Maybe he doesn't like being close to people. Whatever, next thing I know he was freaking out like I had tried to kill him or anything. It was seriously fucked up,” he finished, red eyes narrowed as he remembered the events from earlier. 

His mother nodded, clearly she already had a pretty good guess about the whole situation. 

“The way I see it, you were fascinated by how broken he was and yet, you wanted to help him get better. Whether you're really doing it for him or just so you have to stop worrying isn't of that much importance right now. However, now he behaves in a strange way that makes you feel like you're not helping at all and you're mad at him.” 

Sebastian nodded, not really wanting to elaborate further. And he certainly didn't want to mention the accidental kiss. After all, he himself had no idea just yet what role that played in everything. 

“You know, one thing I learned, not just from work, is that most times when people behave in a way that doesn't seem to make any sense, it's most likely because they're hurt, in love, or both. Whatever the case, I've never heard from anyone that being angry at someone for being unable to control their feelings has solved anything.”

“So I'm supposed to act like nothing happened,” Sebastian deadpanned. “You're not supposed to do anything. If I were you, I'd probably try to really figure out the causes of his behavior rather than being mad. He's not a pet you can train in the way you want to. He's a person, and a rather complicated one at that, but I don't think that's a bad thing.” 

Somehow, Sebastian wasn't able to deal with that kind of deep conversation now, no matter how much sense the things his mother said sometimes made.

“I'll.. think about what you said. I guess I just need to calm down a bit and not take things so personally.” The ‘thank you' was unspoken, but the way he looked at his mother made it clear that he was, in fact, thankful for her advice. Like he usually was. In a less agitated mood, he made his way up to his room. In there, he didn't really find anything to distract himself with. 

Without further thought, he ended up dialing Ciel's number. ‘Better talk to him now than later, it’s only going to be more awkward the longer I wait.'

What he hadn't really expected though, was for Ciel to not even pick up. He threw the phone on the bed before throwing his body on it, too. Somehow, he wished Ciel wasn't that much of a mystery. Of course, he probably wouldn't have been as infatuated with him in the first place, had Ciel not been different, but this was simply too much for a healthy friendship. What good could it do if Ciel could always expect Sebastian to be there for him, and all Sebastian could expect was an unstable Ciel who spontaneously decided to hate him every now and then? 

Another sigh left thin lips as Sebastian crossed his arms behind his head, staring at the ceiling. ‘I should really paint my room sometime soon,’ he thought to himself. There were a few stains on the wall and some of the color wasn't looking as bright anymore as it hadinitially done. 

Suddenly, his phone began to ring, causing Sebastian to jump slightly. It took a few minutes for him to find it, and when he read the caller's ID, he shortly debated whether or not go answer. All of a sudden, Ciel had decided to call him, it seemed. Before the taller of the two could say a word, he got to hear the blue haired boy's voice. Weak, tired, and panicked. Like he'd just had an accident. The words that were spoken to him over the phone had Sebastian inhaling sharply, and his eyes went wide with realization. 

“Sebastian, there is something I need you to do,” a short break followed, Ciel's heavy breathing the only sound, “I found a cat a few days ago, it's in my room and I want you to take care of it from now on,” Ciel finished his sentence, his voice getting weaker and weaker as he spoke. 

Instantly, Sebastian felt panic rising in his chest. What exactly was wrong with Ciel? 

“Take care of your cat?” He asked, sounding more surprised than anything. “What's wrong with you, Ciel? Did anyone hurt you?”

“I.. Not really. I can't talk any longer. Just ask.. father to let you in. He'll understand when you mention ..” 

The other’s voice trailed off slowly, and Sebastian bit his lip anxiously. The way Ciel's voice sounded.. Ciel just sounded so unbelievably tired, but even worse than that. It was almost creepy, the tone in which Ciel spoke. It actually scared Sebastian to no end.

“Mention what?” he nervously waited for about five seconds. 

“Ciel?” by now, Sebastian's concern was even more obvious in his voice.

“This isn't funny.” Silence. Nothing but silence.

Sebastian stared at the screen once more, only to realize that Ciel had not hung up on him. The call hadn't been ended. Still holding his cellphone to his ear, Sebastian got off the bed, and headed straight for the door. 

The way things looked, something was wrong with Ciel, seriously wrong. Whatever the mood swings meant, Sebastian knew one thing; in the end, he couldn't just leave the other alone when something was up. 

This was more important than him and his hurt pride. Also, what he had just told him had sounded an awful lot like a dying message. But it couldn't be. There were only so many coincidences in the world, and Sebastian wasn't willing to consider the possibility that something that serious had happened to Ciel right after the two had a fight. Right then when Sebastian wasn't looking out for the boy for once. Still, his gut feeling was anything but positive. Maybe Ciel would leave this town? Either way, there was no way Ciel could make a call like that and not expect Sebastian to rush wherever he was as soon as possible. 

With hurried steps, he rushed down the stairs, glad that his mother wasn't anywhere in sight. He really didn't have any time now to explain things now, not when he himself wasn't sure what was even going on.

Not when he felt the need to get to the boy as soon as possible. In all honesty, he could only hope that Ciel was home. Where else could he look for him? Maybe at the place in the forest.. Or pretty much anywhere.

He decided not to dwell on that, and instead jogged over to Ciel's house, not even caring to greet the people he encountered on the streets, despite what his mother had always taught him. Adrenaline flooded his veins and that much was sure, if anyone had hurt the boy, they could expect to feel at least two times as much pain as soon as Sebastian found out. 

A car honked loudly as he crossed the street carelessly, standing in front of Ciel's house finally. He knocked once, twice, and when he found himself knocking for the third time, the raven knew that no one was going to answer. 

Ciel's words came to his mind again, and before Sebastian knew what exactly he was doing and just how irrational it was, he found himself on the other side of the house, kicking open one of the glass doors leading to some sort of living room, it seemed. Tiny pieces of glass were still flying through the air and shining slightly as the faint sunlight met them. Sebastian payed no attention to it however, and instead climbed inside the house through the hole. 

To say that he was surprised would be an understatement. Being of a rather clean nature himself, Sebastian found himself shocked about the sheer amount of bottles standing inside that room alone.

“Ciel?” He screamed loudly, hoping more than anything else that the boy was here and safe. He'd much rather have to pay for a window he destroyed and know that everything was alright than anything else. No answer was given and Sebastian found himself wandering aimlessly through the rooms of the run down house. He ignored the condition in which it was for now; he had something way more important to do than dwelling on the Phantomhive’s cleaning habits. 

When Sebastian had made his way upstairs, it had only taken him a few seconds to find a room, presumably the bathroom, locked. He repeated his knocking, but once more, he got not even a single answer. Not a word. 

‘Fuck it,’ the tall boy thought to himself as he swung his leg against the door, the old wood easily giving in and opening with quite a bit of noise. The instant the door was opened, red eyes went wide. Red.

Blood was covering a rather big part of the floor and in the middle of the crimson puddle, Ciel was laying on the floor, not showing any reaction whatsoever even though the door had just forcibly been kicked open. 

“Fucking hell,” Sebastian cursed as his knees hit the hard floor, and he kneeled right in front of Ciel's tiny body. His hand instinctively reached for the boy's face and he touched it lightly, leaning close to the younger of the two. “Ciel, please,” he begged, not even recognizing his own voice,”you can't be dead.”

His usually smooth voice had turned into a scratchy whisper. Completely unsure what to do when there was no answer to his request, Sebastian turned away from the boy's face to eye the damage more closely. Cuts. All over the unhealthily thin wrist, blood had begun to dry and stick to the skin, but the outlines of the rather deep cuts were still visible. Suicide. 

He might have heard Ciel's last words just minutes ago. Sebastian didn't know when exactly he had started crying, but as he noticed the foreign feeling of tears running down his face, he was about to lose it. 

What exactly was he supposed to do? He'd never been put in this kind of situation his whole life. Was Ciel still alive? The thought alone that it might not be the case had more tears falling. With clumsy hands, the taller of the two checked to see whether he could feel a pulse or not. His hand fit easily around Ciel's wrist, and Sebastian wasn't even sure whether or not he was touching the right spot. Not feeling anything underneath his hands, his panic only got worse. 

“Fuck, fuck, fuck, please just wake up,” he tried again, but his words didn't seem to change anything. Sebastian hurriedly grabbed his cellphone, almost dropping it in the process. Every second could matter now. 

“Please send an ambulance. My friend tried to kill himself and I have no idea whether he's still alive or not,” the words left his mouth the instant someone picked up the phone. He hadn't even given them time to speak up. 

“Calm down, please,” an elderly woman's voice spoke, “tell me who and where you are and what happened, please,” she went on. “My name is Sebastian Michaelis,” he spoke, his voice unsteady. “I just came here and discovered my.. friend lying on the floor with a slit wrist.” 

“Could you give me your location please? Also, is your friend still breathing?” The conversation went on for a few minutes, Sebastian telling her all he could say about what had happened, and the woman giving him instructions as to what he could do. Miraculously, Sebastian actually managed to find a bandage despite the mess inside the room. He was told to aply a bit of pressure, but not so much that a finger or two wouldn't fit in between.

Upon listenening closely, he could still make out a faint breathing, but that really didn't mean anything. 

If the damn ambulance wouldn't be here soon, Ciel might die with Sebastian sitting right next to him, unable to do anything to help him at all. “Please keep breathing,” he spoke to the unconscious boy; somehow it calmed him down the slightest bit to talk to Ciel, even when the blue haired male didn't answer. It all went very fast then, the sudden sound of the ambulance arriving; people rushing into the room and Sebastian had no idea at all how they had even managed to get into the house, but he couldn't say that he cared that much. 

Above all, the raven was relieved that there were finally people there who might be able to help, even though he didn't like the way they treated this whole thing as though they were used to it; every movement seemingly carefully trained. For them, it was routine, and for him.. 

He wasn't even able to put into words what exactly he felt as the paramedics rushed around, most taking care of Ciel and one of them trying to calm Sebastian down by talking to him and convincing him that everything was alright.

‘Bullshit, how the hell is everything alright,’ Sebastian wanted to scream at them, but he kept his mouth shut. Either because he wasn't physically able to talk anymore, or maybe somewhere in his mind he knew, despite his state of shock, that it would only hinder them from tending to Ciel as good as possible. 

Throughout the whole time, blue eyes were locked on the boy on the floor, and one of Sebastian's hands was still holding his, until he was asked to let go of it so Ciel could be moved out of the house and taken to a hospital. Sebastian hadn't really put up a fight, and just followed their orders. To his surprise, he was allowed to get inside the vehicle with them, after one of the doctors claimed that he was probably suffering from a shock, and needed to be taken care of, as well. When the car finally started driving, Ciel's lithe body attached to a lot of machines by now, Sebastian still couldn’t force himself to look away from the boy. 

The shock that Ciel would actually go as far as to kill himself like that, it had Sebastian trembling with fear. Even if he did survive this, hat if he'd simply try again as soon as he got home? Did the boy really hate his life so much as to carelessly throw it away without another thought about himself and the people close to him? There was no way Sebastian would ever let this happen again. If Ciel survived, that is.

One of the machines steadily caused a beeping sound, and Sebastian wished he knew what exactly it meant. Of course, Ciel wasn't dead yet, but maybe soon.

“Is he.. Is he going to survive?” Sebastian asked with a shakey voice and a blonde man, one of the doctors, eyed him symphatically. No one likedto inform others of bad news. 

“He lost a lot of blood and it depends on how bad his artery was hurt. Also, he seems to be extremely malnourished. Things aren't looking too bright, but maybe he'll still make it,” the man admitted with a guilty expression, clearly uncomfortable. 

Sebastian's eyes focused on the lifeless body once more as a poisonous thought came to his mind; what if all of this was his fault?

The conversation with his mother from earlier ran through his mind again, 'hurt or in love.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this chapter turned out so depressing.. But it is needed for the plot.. And at least I can promise that there are more positive chapters ahead (well, some sad ones too, but yeah) 
> 
> Song for this chapter; Desert song by My Chemical Romance
> 
> Also, thanks so so so much for all the positive feedback, it made me actually hurry up a bit with my writing, which is not something that happens easily :D  
> I really hope the chapter was okay, I found it especially hard to write Sebastian's part because I tried not to be too sentimental with him.. But in this kind of situation, I just assumed that even Sebastian wouldn't be able to just stay calm.. 
> 
> Thanks for reading and I'll publish the next one soon. I'm sorry for all the cliffhangers by the way :D


	9. Important things

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! c:   
> I finally finished the chapter.. Or well, I already had it finished but I rewrote parts of it because I wasn't too happy with the first version. I won't make any promises, but I'll try to be as fast as possible with the next one.   
> Thanks for all the kudos, reviews and everything, it is so great to know that people actually like this story. (:   
> Well, enough with my monologue, enjoy ! c: 
> 
> Oh and the song for this chapter is 'Between the bars' by Elliott Smith

Doors were hastily pushed open and closed again as Ciel's body was finally moved inside the hospital.

Throughout the whole ride, Sebastian had found himself wishing, hoping and praying to whatever he could come up with that they'd make it in time. Basically, he didn't have much of an idea about blood loss, how much you need to lose to die, but he didn't need to know to be fairly certain that any second could be the boy's last.

His eyes barely had any time to adjust to the bright yellow light of the hospital, and he kept doing what he had been doing all along; following the boy like a shadow, never once letting him out of sight. As though it was some sort of miracle, no one forced him to leave either, since they seemed to understand that there was no way in hell he'd let Ciel go through this all alone. Not when he had only just gotten to know him the tiniest bit.

After what had seemed like half an eternity, they had finally made it into the emergency room, and if anyone had asked Sebastian for the way out, he wouldn't have been able to answer. Everything seemed like a blur, it might as well have just been a dream. He didn't even remember the weather outside; the only things engraved in his memory were the noises, the flashing lights, the fear that had controlled his body. He eyed the doctors precisely as they began to examine Ciel's wounds. Upon seeing them again, the raven only now realized just how bad they looked.

No one would be able to just hurt themselves like that without some serious reasons. Come to think of it, he probably didn't even have the faintest idea of what was going on in Ciel's life. Sure, he had seen some guys harassing him, he knew about the pictures... and pretty much nothing else. Some humans were like open books, others were like secret letters; hard to figure out and overseen by most.

It was funny how he had felt some sort of connection between them the whole time, and yet, he didn't even know anything about the true Ciel. He didn't know the boy behind all this tragedy, and neither did he even know the complete tragedy.

“but he seems extremely thin..”

“Have you already measured his blood pressure?”

All the hushed conversations between the doctors were only partially understood, and still everything seemed way too loud.

“I don't think the loss of blood itself is the biggest problem. With a body as malnourished as his, even things that healthy people are pretty likely to survive might be critical.”

“How deep are the cuts even?”

“Have you tried to wake him up yet, does he still show any signs of recognizing his environment?”

For a brief moment, Sebastian wondered whether they should have taken Ciel to another hospital. None of the doctors seemed too certain of what they were saying and doing, and Sebastian tried his best to not snap at any of them. All he wanted to hear was a reassurance that Ciel was going to make it, or better yet, he needed that one reassurance.

He needed to know that the boy was going to survive, that the last words hadn't been spoken yet between them. Come to think of it, he wasn't even entirely sure anymore what exactly Ciel had said during the phone call. It was like the harder Sebastian tried to think, the less productive his attempts ended. Yet, that was the only thing he could do for now, and, if he was unlucky, forever.

Thinking. Remembering.

Minutes passed and wounds were bandaged, the tiny body now attached to quite a few machines once more. Wires surrounded the body, pale skin now mostly covered by a blanket. By then, Sebastian practically had to bite his tongue to keep himself from assaulting them with questions.

Once Ciel's bed was being moved out of the room, he dared to make a move. Red eyes met brown ones as the doctor seemed rather shocked to see Sebastian standing in front of him, it was almost like he hadn't noticed the dark haired teenager standing in the back of the room before. He might actually have not.

“Do you know whether he'll make it?”

Sebastian asked, his face pale as he eyed the slumbering teenager being transported out of the room. The doctor eyed him with a calculating look before answering.

“I can't say it for certain, but he already survived up until now, and the bleeding stopped some time ago. The real issue is whether or not his body will be able to recover from the loss of blood. It's not like we can spontanously inject him blood, we don't have all sorts of blood here either.. And then still, it's not certain. We'll do our best.”

“I.. Is there anything I can do to help? If you need blood, take mine. Or if someone has to keep watching him or checking his breathing..,” Sebastian trailed off, quite aware of the fact that he was talking nonsense. It was not like he would be of any more help than the doctors here who had spent many years of their lives studying for situations just like this. But he wanted to help, more than anything else. He wanted to be there for Ciel, and it was not just out of guilt. It was out of genuine concern.

“I'm very sorry but I don't think there's anything you can do at this point. At least the cuts weren't that deep. Things might not have looked as bright otherwise.”

Sebastian didn't say it but he had a very strong urge to correct the word ‘bright' into something more fitting. Like, dramatic, scary, shocking. Heartbreaking.

“Besides, I have to ask you at some point. You seem to know the boy rather well. This wasn’t an accident so let’s not act like it. He tried to kill himself. Do you have any idea about potential reasons? And also, he doesn’t seem to be in treatment, therefore we might have to consider institutionalizing him.”

Sebastian went still then for a few moments. An image of Ciel waking up somewhere all by himself in a white and sterile clinic came to his mind and his hand formed into a fist.

There was no way he’d leave the boy alone now, not if he survived. In Sebastian's mind Ciel's actions had proven just that he couldn't be left alone... that Ciel needed someone to stay even when he pushed them away; and Sebastian was willing to take the risk and become that person, should he get the chance.

“My mother. She’s a psychologist. They haven’t had a session yet, but they have been planning to. She’ll help him, there’s no need to force him into a clInic when he wakes up,” the words left Sebastian's mouth so fast, he was worried for a second that the doctor might not be able to follow him. Lying wasn't something Sebastian enjoyed a lot, but in a situation like this, he could care less about breaking his ‘I only speak the truth’ rule. 

Today, rules didn't seem to apply in general. 

A slow and deliberate nod was the only answer he got then, and an awkward silence settled over the two until the doctor finally broke it, “You'll understand that I will have to contact your mother to check whether or not what you said is true. If so, it might be a good option to give the boy into the hands of someone he knows and is comfortable with. We’ll just have to wait and talk to him if.. when he wakes up.” 

The replacement of the word ‘if' by the word ‘when’ did not go unnoticed by Sebastian and the tiniest bit of hope grew inside his chest. 

Maybe things had looked worse than they actually were? “Oh and one more thing. Please do not tell his parents about this for now, I am not exactly sure, buy I have a feeling they might actually be one of the reasons for all of.. this.” 

The doctor nodded, seemingly understanding. By now, the nurses had already made their way outside the room with Ciel, and Sebastian quickly thanked the man before rushing after them, afraid of getting lost and not finding the boy again. 

... 

Hours had passed and they had felt like years to Sebastian who was sitting in front of a white hospital bed with a tiny body curled up inside it. Thankfully, people in here didn't seem too strict with the rules and other than a few pitying looks and an ‘usually I don't allow for people to stay in such cases' spoken by a young nurse who kept coming inside and checking Ciel's condition, nothing was said.

The quiet ticking of a nearby clock seemed to grow slower and slower and for once, Sebastian wished that he had taken his cellphone with him, that way he might have been able to contact his mother or basically anyone else. Someone to help him get that weight off his chest. 

If only he had been there earlier, the chance that Ciel would survive would have been that much higher. 

Or maybe he shouldn't have let him leave at all.

Every minute that passed had him more worried that the boy’s eyes would remain closed forever. The light brown door swung open and for what felt like the umpteemth time that day, the nurse entered, light footsteps on the floor enough to let Sebastian know that. Eyes still focused on Ciel, he didn't say anything as they came closer.

“He still hasn't woken up?” The woman asked with a gentle smile, trying her best to not say anything upsetting. Her voice was soft; the kind of voice that was needed in order to calm patients down. A head covered with raven hair was shaken and a sigh left the woman's lips.

“Do you believe he'll make it?” Sebastian threw the question into the room and the whole weight of the situation only ever seemed to become clear when he actually voiced his concerns. Ciel sill lay there, the slim chest sinking and falling as he breathed softly. 

“Do you?” She spoke calmly, not in a mocking way.

“He has to,” the raven answered, eyeing Ciel once more. Still his skin was white more than anything and he looked like the embodiment of weakness, which was such a stark contrast to his usual personality. Bright blue hair now seemed to mock his pale complexion. 

“Tell me about him,” the brunette offered kindly while eyeing the different monitors surrounding the bed. Red eyes focused on the woman then for the shortest moment. 

People didn’t usually talk about these kinds of things to strangers. Because they were personal; they were important. And who likes to share important things? But still, she was a nurse after all. Also, he'd rather talk to keep himself busy than to sink deeper and deeper into the dark little hole he had been digging for himself ever since he sat down on the chair nearby the bed, scared the steadily beeping sound might just end any second. There couldn't be any harm in telling her a little. 

“He's.. Unlike anyone else I have ever met. Quite possibly the hardest to understand out of all the people I know. He might never see all the potential he has, and I wonder how people do not see it when they look at him. Ciel's the first person I have ever cared about, and quite ironically, I couldn't save him though,” the raven paused here and took a breath before continuing. “I feel like I should have known, he should have smiled more. He shouldn't have always seemed this troubled, he's even younger than me after all. I never once wanted to watch him suffer and yet, it seems like that’s the only thing I have ever done for him; I couldn’t save him.” 

With every effort he could muster, Sebastian tried to hold back his tears, yet his eyes still felt like dark rain clouds, only waiting for the right moment to burst into rain. 

“The way it looks to me, you were the only one who was actually there when things got bad,” came the answer. Before he could protest, the petite woman continued, “You found him and brought him here. If you hadn't, I don't think anyone else would have made it in time.” 

“You don't get it,” Sebastian voiced, desperation and sadness thick in his voice, “the thought that he actually took a knife or a blade or whatever and dragged it across his arm with the intention to die, it almost has me crying again. How could he just do that? How could I not see it coming? I never wanted him to end up here.” 

“Believe me, I do get it,” the woman spoke with an infinite amount of sadness in her eyes, and Sebastian understood. He probably wasn’t the only one who had ever felt this sort of guilt. Neither was he the first person standing to lose someone dear to them. 

“Basically, I just want to make it clear that most people who try to commit suicide don't have a person that comes rushing inside the exact moment when they might still be saved. Without you, he might have died all by himself in there. And the way you described him doesn’t quite sound like the world has heard the last of him yet. Call it a gut feeling, but I think he might actually wake up very soon.” 

Sebastian had not missed the way the woman's expression had turned from sad to an actual smirk during her statement. He eyed her closely for a second, from the crossed arms that he only now noticed were covered in thick, uneven scars, to her face. 

When the woman nodded over to the bed, Sebastian followed her gaze. Then, he saw it; there was a small, but undeniable movement visible underneath the blanket, and Sebastian couldnt sit still any longer. 

Within seconds, the teenager had rushed even closer to the bed, hovering directly over the boy without as much as touching him the slightest bit. That moment, Sebastian was actually afraid that any fast movement, loud noise or harsh word could be enough to break the fragile body in half. 

Ciel was waking up. It took a moment to sink in but the sheer rush of adrenaline had Sebastian's heart beating that much faster within the shortest time, he was nearly afraid of fainting. 

Honestly, he didn't know whether or not he had expected this, but he was definitely so damn grateful as all the helplessness from before was just washed away like  that. Ciel Phantomhive would live, and no way in hell would Sebastian leave his side now.

Unsure what to do, Sebastian just waited, time standing still in that little space on top of the hospital bed. Talking to Ciel right way might be a bit too much for the boy who was only showing small signs of waking up, so he kept quiet.

Underneath the raven, Ciel’s face twisted into a frown, and like a child might do, he moved his head a little more underneath the soft blanket, seemingly enjoying the warmth that came from the action. Sebastian already felt a soft smile tugging at his lips. 

The knowledge that Ciel was actually still with him, despite all the odds, was almost like a tiny miracle. 

Ciel's right hand came up to his face and automatically pushed the hair from his eyes, and it was only when the other hand followed that another frown appeared. 

As one could have expected, the fresh cuts still seemed to hurt, and Sebastian could only imagine that uncomfortable sting that Ciel probably felt. Big eyes were opened, the rather feminine lashes surrounding them reavealing deep blue irises, still unfocused from sleep. Sebastian could actually see the moment when all the knowledge of what had happened flooded Ciel's mind just a second later, the comfortable bubble of sleepy ignorance bursting right in front of the boy and leaving him only with the option of facing the cruel reality of the situation. 

Before he even seemed to notice Sebastian, a look of terror came to Ciel's face. As though it took him a moment to figure out where he was then, confused eyes stared into red ones. 

Without as much as a second thought, Sebastian threw his arms around the boy, albeit careful not to hurt him or come too close to the wounds. A breath the tall raven had been holding for a bit too long finally left his lungs and Sebastian could practically feel all the tension from before leaving his body with it as he held a very much alive Ciel in his arms, the boy's warm breath noticable on his shoulder. 

Blue hair messily fell down, cascading against Sebastian's face, which was pressed tightly against the younger boy's. Unwillingly, an image of the accidental kiss they had shared earlier came to his mind, but Sebastian decided not to dwell on it for now. 

The boy had actually survived and nothing at all was more important than that. 

“Sebastian,” the words left pale lips breathlessly, surprise and relief mixing together,”how..?”

Practically feeling the tiny body begin to shake underneath him, Sebastian could do nothing but hug him even tighter for a few seconds until he let go, one hand still on Ciel's back.

“I thought I'd never see you alive again,” Sebastian admitted, faintly recognizing the sound of a door falling into a lock in the background. Seemingly, the nurse had left, something Sebastian was rather glad about. He wasn't exactly used to talking about feelings after all, and having only Ciel in front of him, those big eyes focused on Sebastian entirely, was already more than enough to deal with. 

Ciel opened his mouth as if to speak, and then closed it again. His eyes traveled in the direction of his wrist, as if to ensure he had really gone through with it. When his suspicions were confirmed, tears started to collect in those big eyes. He looked at Sebastian's face, taking in his slightly red eyes and the dark bags underneath them. Sebastian's usually perfect appearance wasn't at all there, instead he looked like he hadn't slept in days. 

“Why am I still here?” He whispered, half asking himself, half asking Sebastian. The words carried an unspoken ‘when I don't want to be?’ and Sebastian had to bite his lip to keep himself from getting too much into those negative thoughts.

“Because I could never just let you die,” Sebastian spoke with a determined voice, though the hurt inside the words didn't go unnoticed by the blunette.

“But I..,” the boy began, his instant reaction being to argue. He met Sebastian's eyes once more, and somehow, he couldn't bring himself to say anymore negative words.

“I just.. I didn't really believe that anyone would care,” the boy admitted quietly, actually putting his true feelings into words for once, “so why do you?” 

The way he said it, one could have actually understood it as an accusation, but it was so much more than that; the words that had just left his lips were those that had plagued his mind for weeks now. Why would Sebastian care? Why try and make something better that's already lost?

“I can't exactly tell you,” Sebastian began rather clumsily, a more than out of character thing for him to do. Just like he would have never noticed the subtle change in the boy's eyes at the uncertain answer usually. But with Ciel in front of him, things were different. And with a statement like ‘I could never let you die,’ there was no way an explanation like ‘I don't know' would be enough. 

“You're.. Not like others.” Ciel's mouth formed a thin line at those words and he was almost tempted to answer with a ‘really? I didn't know about that, I thought it was perfectly normal to be this fucked up,’ but he had only just woken up and honestly, he didn't have enough energy to use sarcasm just yet. Besides, Sebastian didn't stop there.

“And I mean that in a positive way. I barely ever talk to anyone about this sort of stuff, so it might sound weird.. But I've never felt the urge to protect a person before, not like this. If you had actually died in there, I don’t know what I would have done, I honestly don't. There's just something about you.. It's like you're the first human I actually see as a person. And you're so much better than you think,” when he finished, his voice got a little softer and Ciel actually had to close his eyes, all those beautiful words too much for him to bear. 

“You barely know me, Sebastian,” he fought back weakly, but there was no real spite in the words.

“So you couldn't die just yet. I need to know you better.”

“You don't know how long I have-” Suddenly, the door burst open, and there stood the doctor Sebastian had asked about Ciel's condition hours ago. Upon being caught in such a, rather intimate situation, Sebastian hovering over Ciel's body protectively and one hand stroking his hair slowly, Ciel's face turned a bright red, only Sebastian didn't seem to notice.

The doctor came closer with slow steps, a sheet of paper between his hands, and a pen in his pocket that he pulled out while walking. 

“Ciel Phantomhive?” He half asked, half stated. “I see you have finally woken up. How are you feeling?” 

Unsure of what he was supposed to say, Ciel simply put a tiny fake smile on his face, “I’m feeling just fine,” he stated, eyes traveling up to Sebastian's as if to make sure that this had been the correct answer. “That's.. surprising. Even though, we have to apologize for miscalculating the situation. The way it seems, the blood loss wasn't as fatal as we believed it to be at first. A nurse actually came up with the idea of checking your blood sugar levels,” he spoke monotonously, “and the way it seems, they were so low that even a relatively small loss of blood was enough to make you faint. Since your body is, not to be too personal, quite malnourished, we should have considered this possibility from the beginning.”

Sebastian wasn't too sure whether he was relieved or annoyed at the words that left the doctors mouth. So Ciel hadn't been about to even die then? Couldn't anyone have told him before? But upon looking down on the tiny figure hidden underneath the soft blankets, Sebastian couldn't quite bring himself to be mad. 

He was glad that Ciel was still here, more than anything else.

“Besides, I have talked to your mother,” he eyed Sebastian, “and she confirmed that Ciel is indeed scheduled for treatment. In normal cases, we would have informed your parents too, Mister Phantomhive,” Sebastian almost had to suppress a chuckle at the ‘mister, ‘ had the situation not been as serious. He was, however, more than glad that his mother had seen through his plan and played along.

“But since I was told to wait with that, you may decide now whether or not you want them to be informed,” the man continued to speak, having made his way over to check Ciel's heartbeat his breathing and pretty much everything Sebastian could think of. 

Somehow, the way the doctor touched Ciel like he was just another person, just one of many, had Sebastian feeling uncomfortable there. Ciel just shouldn't be touched like that. He was relieved though that the boy didn't seem to have any objections. 

“I.. Please don’t tell them. It's a bit complicated and I'm sure my mother would faint if she heard of this.. What am I supposed to do now anyway? Do I have to stay here?” the boy asked, pushing all of his conflicting feelings far away and attempting to concentrate instead. 

“First of all, you should drink a glass of water, eat something and then I'll check your body once more. In other cases, we would have kept you here and had you talk to a psychiatrist, but since Mrs Michaelis agreed to pick you up here and she is a rather well known psychologist herself, we'll give you in her hands for now.”

The question of when all of those things had been decided without as much as him knowing was on the tip of Ciel's tongue, but he kept quiet. There were just so many things that needed to be said and thought of now, and yet he just didn't seem to have the energy for it just yet. Only hours ago he had been planning on never having to worry again, after all.

“And most of all, you should thank him. Had he not found you, I can't guarantee what would have happened. Fainting may not seem like that big of a deal, but it really is nothing more than your body showing you that it can't continue functioning that way. And I have hardly ever met someone who remained as clear headed under such pressure.” 

Blue eyes traveled from the doctor towards Sebastian, and Ciel bit his lower lip with the slightest bit of pressure. He took in the exhausted looking wine red eyes, that strained yet sincere smile and the way his hair looked way more dishevelled than usually. And right in that moment, Ciel wanted nothing more than to feel those lips against his once more.

Most likely, he had been staring for a bit too long already, but the boy couldn't quite seem to bring himself to care at all. The only thing that kept the need for proximity at bay was the fact that Ciel knew how things would turn out. Sebastian wouldn't quite react the way he wanted him to, and Ciel would be left behind feeling like he should have never even tried getting closer in the first place. It was a sad pattern, but one that had been consistent throughout most of his life. So, instead of pressing his lips against the older boy's, he tried to calm his racing pulse down, and opened his mouth to speak, “I.. Uh..,” he stuttered awkwardly at first,” I don't know how to say this, but thank you. Thank you so much for being there and helping me. Even when I behaved like a child and insulted you and all of that. And I'm sorry,” the words were clumsy and Ciel couldn't quite shake his nervousness at opening his heart up towards the tall raven. 

Eyes were locked and Ciel breathed a bit faster than usually, betraying just how hard this was for him. 

“I'll leave you two alone then and check up on you soon,” the doctor spoke as he exited the room with hurried steps, his discomfort clearly visible. Sebastian licked his dry lips and pushed a lock that had fallen in his face behind his ear.

“Yeah, about that. What got into you earlier? It was like you suddenly were a completely different person.. I understand if it's complicated and you don't have to tell me everything. In fact, you don't have to tell me anything, but it would be nice to know just a bit more about why all of this happened,” he trailed off, and Ciel wanted to slap himself. 

Throughout this whole.. incident, he had been so goddamn convinced that Sebastian wouldn't even care, he hadn't even considered how the other might feel about everything.

“I'm.. I'm a really shitty person. You shouldn't have gone through all of this. It's.. Not simple. And I’m not sure I can even explain it,” Ciel admitted, his voice noticably nervous ,”Basically.. Whenever I feel like I get close to someone, they eventually leave me. I know this probably sounds ridiculous because pretty much everyone has felt this in some way. I just, I can't deal with that thought at all. Sometimes I feel like I'm just a little kid being pushed from person to person in an attempt to just find anyone.. or anything to hold onto. And as soon as I feel like I managed to find it, I know I’ll lose it. It's.. I'm sorry for being so vague here.. I don't exactly know how to put it into words.. it's too complicated for that.” 

The boy then swallowed, hoping that the statement would be somewhat understandable, but not too understandable. After all, he had practically just openend up to the raven about his biggest fear, his most unhealthy pattern, and his worst personality trait. Those weren't things you talk about on a daily basis. The words had been heavy as they left his lips, and his eyes had been searching for reaffirmation throughout his confession.

“I- I get it I think. And quite honestly, when you're saying it like this, I can't help but feel the need to punch the shit out of every single person who ever made you feel that way about yourself. You shouldn't have to be so scared of people leaving you, it's all their fault, “ Sebastian spoke, anger lacing his words like he was actually about to burst out of the hospital and kill every single person that ever caused Ciel trouble. 

“No, no it's not that. It was my own fault. After all, I picked the people I wanted anything to do with myself. And I don't think you know me well enough yet to know how bad I can actually get. I'm so overly clingy, it's not funny anymore. Sometimes, it feels like I lose myself in others, like there's no me, only the one I'm making up to please them. It's.. It really is all my fault, isn’t it?” 

Uncertain blues met sharp red eyes, and Ciel was taken aback by the expression on Sebastian’s face. He still looked angered, somewhat sad, and most of all, what could easily be considered a look of possessiveness crossed the taller one's face. Combined with the hand drawing little circles on his back, as if soothing a scared cat, Ciel just wanted to stay this way forever. Those intense emotions in the other's eyes and the way he just seemed to genuinely care, it was an entirely new thing, something not even his former best friends had done.

And somewhere inside Ciel's chest, there grew that tiny bit of hope again.. hope that maybe, just maybe, Sebastian cared about Ciel as much as he himself did. Hope that, despite everything, there was a chance that Sebastian had the same feelings for him as he knew he did for the older boy. Because right in that moment, Ciel decided, he had never wanted to let anyone come close as much as he did with Sebastian.

“Did you do that with me, too? Acting like another person?” 

The question caught the bluenette of guard, and thinking about it, but he shook his head. “I didn’t. I never quite felt the need to,” he spoke carefully, hiding the ‘and my emotions for you are basically so out of control by now that I just feel like I can hardly control anything at all, let alone play a certain role in front of you.’ He looked up again, his eyes having traveled downwards while talking. 

How could things have gotten so out of control within just a few hours? Why did it feel like his cheeks were on fire?

“Why not?” The question came like a slap into Ciel's face, leaving his lips slightly parted. He took a deep breath, not wanting to lie but not wanting to entirely speak the truth either. 

How he had hoped that Sebastian wouldn’t want to know this of all things. This was like a game of ‘let me find your weak spots and tell me every single thing you've ever wanted to hide.

“I just.. I like you, okay? You may be a bit of an idiot, but I actually like spending time with you. And somehow, I don't feel as pressured with you around. I don't feel like you're just wwaitwng to leave,” he carefully spoke, hoping that the ‘like' part hadn't sounded like what it actually meant; ‘I have feelings for you' or whatever one could call it. 

Sebastian's instant reaction seemed to be a bit of a shocked one upon hearing such sincere words, red eyes opening wide and Ciel could swear he heard the older's breathing come out a bit more heavily.

“I like you too, you shouldn't ever think otherwise. I don't have too many people I would consider my friends, even though I have lots of acquaintances, but I would definitely consider you one of them,” the raven spoke, giving Ciel a genuine smile that just so happened to take the bluenette's breath away.

‘Friends,’ Ciel repeated the word in his head until it pretty much sounded like a negative thing. He let his eyes travel down to his wrist, wondering if maybe, just maybe, things would have actually been much easier if he hadn't been found back then.

“I.. Uh, thanks?” he tried and Sebastian's body shook with silent laughter at what he considered to be the confusion upon hearing the statement. 

For a brief moment, the word ‘cute’ came to Sebastian's mind, but he pushed that thought away. 

Ciel, too, let a smile come to his lips, even though it was only half genuine. Could there ever truly be a friendship as long as it was way more than that from Ciel's side? His smile dropped then and a sigh left his lips; things could be so easy, just why exactly weren’t they ever for him? And despite it all, he wondered how it could be that right here, in an old hospital room with cuts all over his wrist, he still felt like the luckiest person alive, just for having Sebastian in his life.  


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, finally I managed to update c:   
> I'm very sorry for the long wait and I'll attempt to be faster from now on, we'll see how well that'll work this time.. Thanks so much to everyone for all your feedback, I'll answer reviews by tomorrow if I manage :3   
> Finally, this chapter is a bit brighter than the ones before, the two deserve at least some happiness~   
> And sorry about mistakes, it's been written on my phone :D

Sebastian sighed in relief as his mother's car finally pulled into the hospital parking lot, glad that she had survived the ride when he didn't even want to know how much she had probably been rushing to get here. It really hadn't taken her long. 

Even though, being a psychologist, his mother wasn't exactly new to this kind of situation, it still was a completely different matter when a family member was involved. And the moment she had gotten the call minutes ago, she had felt a deep sense of panic taking hold of her body at the mention of Sebastian being inside a hospital. As if to make matters worse, she knew the doctor who had called, and though it might be a bit rude, it wouldn't exactly be wrong to say that the hospital she knew he worked at mostly consisted of a bunch of morons who definitely weren't the best ones at their jobs.

When things finally cleared up and she was informed of the reasons for the call, the dark haired woman had been momentarily relieved. It was only for the shortest of seconds though, because when Ciel’s condition was mentioned, she had began to curse herself; she should have talked to Ciel right when she first met him and had already expected that there was something wrong with the underweight boy. Despite it all, when the doctor eventually asked her whether Ciel was scheduled for treatment with her, obviously a lie Sebastian had told in order to make sure Ciel would be able to get out of the hospital, she had played along, claiming that she would indeed have an appointment with him soon. She had then hurried into her car and driven here in record time, trying not to drive too carelessly though. 

She knew just how her son felt about it when she drove a little too fast. She knew how important someone could get to Sebastian.

“Do you think she'll be mad at me for dragging you into all this?” The blue haired boy standing next to Sebastian whispered carefully, biting his lip. He really had no idea how to woman would react to all of this; the only example he had were his own parents after all. And if they ever found out about this, he didn't even want to know what the reaction would be.

“Mad? Why would she be mad at you, if anything, she'll be crying tears of joy because you're actually still-” 

Before the sentence was finished, Ciel almost lost balance as Sebastian's mother, seemingly out of nowhere, rushed over to them, throwing her arms around both the boys at the same time and almost tackling them to the ground.

“Oh god, you're both alright, I'm so glad,” she spoke happily, and from the tone of her voice alone it became clear just how worried she must have been minutes ago. She still sounded like she was about to cry. 

A smile came to Sebastian's lips at those words. He knew exactly how she felt after all. It was weird to think that he was standing here now with Ciel, as though nothing had happened, when, with a bit of bad luck, the blue haired boy might have stopped breathing hours ago. It might sound weird, but Sebastian was deeply grateful for all the future that hadn’t been lost today; Ciel’s future.

Still caught in the embrace, with Ciel's head pressed tightly against Sebastian's shoulder, he began to speak, “I'm so glad you actually understood the plan and played along.” 

“Honey, if I couldn't do this much, what kind of mother -and psychiatrist- would I be? I knew they'd want him in some sort of treatment and with a few words, I had that docotor convinced that this is the best way to go about this.” 

She turned to face the smaller of the two who had stayed still up until now. 

“Ciel, I am honestly so glad things turned out this way. Of course not that things were so bad for you, I’m talking about the things that happened after you woke up. That you woke up. I might not know you that well yet, but I can't bear the thought of something happening to you,” she spoke sincerely, leaving out the part that she was also glad for Sebastian's sake. Had her son lost another person dear to him, she was afraid he would have shut down completely and never let anyone get close again. However, this was about the bluenette and it was a delicate matter. She didn’t want to scare the boy away by blaming him in any way or subconsciously making him feel guilty. 

“I.. Thank you,” came the stuttered response. Blood had rushed in the boy's face at those words and he was at a loss. Sebastian's mother was just so very.. different than the parents he was used to. 

“No need to thank me,” she replied with a smile, “but let’s get into the car for now and drive home, I imagine you don’t necessarily want to stay in close proximity to the hospital.” 

When she finally let go of the two, Ciel almost stumbled, still a bit weak on his knees, but within a second, Sebastian's hand had been at his back, making sure the boy stood straight and safe. Ciel eyed him for a second before facing away with red cheeks. To make things even worse for him, Sebastian lightly grabbed his arm, pulling him along in the direction of the car. 

Ciel's heart beat a bit faster then, and he thought that maybe, he could actually get used to having Sebastian close by more often. And not push him away. 

At least, that was the plan. Now that his life had almost been over with, things didn't seem so fatal anymore in comparison. He could afford a few high expectations of himself. 

Eventually, they were inside the car, finally driving away from the hospital with all its clueless doctors and leaving behind a handful of dramatic memories. Sebastian and his mother were talking about all sorts of things while Ciel sat behind them, staring out of the window. He really wasn’t so sure how things would go on now. He neither knew how much of an impact this ‘saving his life’ thing would have on Sebastian's and his relationship, nor did he know how things would work out with his father now. Maybe he'd say nothing to it, maybe he'd freak out.. Somehow, Ciel wondered if he should have stayed the night at the hospital. Would he really be able to get away with this without his father noticing it? 

When they finally got close to his house, the boy was ready to be kicked out of the car any second, but instead, they continued onward, bluntly ignoring the old building. 

“Um, I’m sorry. I should have told you before. My house is back there, you can just throw me out here and I’ll walk the rest of the way,” he offered with a fake smile, though it was obvious he was nervous more than anything. Of all things, he hoped most that his father wouldn’t be there. 

“Ciel, you’re coming with us for now. It's not like I can just drop you off and drive away. By saying that I'm taking care of you for now, I took on responsibility. I'm not saying that you'll try to cause harm to yourself again or anything, but I really cannot just leave you alone now. Besides, you don't want your parents to know, or do you?”

“I.. I don't want them to know but it’s not like I can simply disappear. Also, I need clothes and I need to clean up. There's just.. A lot to do and I cannot accept the offer of simply living with you for now,” Ciel spoke silently. It was true, there were many things that needed to be taken care of.

“And my cat, I cannot leave it alone. It's inside my room,” he continued to argue, relief and disappointment mixing together as Sebastian's mother turned the car around, heading for his street. Things would be better off this way, he convinced himself. The soft tickling in his stomach at the thought of being offered a peaceful few days disappeared slowly, reality replacing it. 

For a few moments, there was silence. And it wasn't until the car reached Ciel's family's home that Sebastian’s mother began to speak once more. 

“Sebastian, will you please go with him? Make sure there's not too big of a mess. Ciel? Just get some clothes for you to sleep in and some street clothes, we'll see what we do about all of this, but I just really like the thought of having you with us for now. No point in arguing.” 

Unsure whether it would be a wise idea to aactually try and argue with the dark haired woman, Ciel kept his mouth shut. Despite all the chaos, the woman was still Sebastian's mother. Sebastian; the person he harboured feeling for. It was never a good idea to disagree on too many things with your crush's parents. That was pretty much an unspoken rule, and he must have made a great job of showing his best side to the woman so far. 

‘Maybe I should put a sign on my head; ‘bad influence and troublemaker’ or something,’ Ciel thought to himself with a sour look on the youthful face.

But still, she had offered to be there, and that couldn't count for nothing. 

And maybe, just maybe, Ciel actually knew that he wanted exactly that. He didn't want to be left alone now, waiting for his father to come back and freak out. He didn't want to be alone again. He wanted someone to actually care, and to be there for him. 

And it felt terrible, the small whisper in his mind that told him just that and only ever seemed to mock his very own weakness. 

Still unsure of what reaction to show, the boy gave a simple nod before opening the door, Sebastian following his example. When the two were finally a few feet away from the car , Ciel let out a shaky breath and spoke, “I'm really sorry. I know I keep saying this but this is all such a mess and I shouldn't have ever let you be dragged into it.” 

Red eyes scanned the boy thoroughly, pausing when they came to find blue eyes. 

“And as long as you'll apologize I'll keep saying this; it's alright. There's nothing to be sorry for. This is about you, and not anyone else. I want you to get better because I chose to, not because I feel obligated to. Stop worrying so much,” Sebastian spoke confidently, putting a hand on Ciel's back. Ciel wondered when exactly this physical barrier had been crossed but he didn't utter a word at the newfound habit; it wasn't like he could complain about it, except for the tiny bit of distraction from thinking clearly Sebastian's touch proved to be. 

“I'll try,” came the quiet answer. Once more, the simple touch was enough to make Ciel swear he could hear his own heartbeat if he listened closely enough. “How did you even manage to get in here in the first place?” The boy asked upon being faced with the fact that he once more didn't have a key. 

“Yeah, about that..” The raven began, guiding the younger of the two in the direction of the back of the house, “I sort of had to break in.” 

“Break in?” Ciel asked suspiciously, his eyes opening wide when he finally saw the extent of destruction that Sebastian's breaking in had caused. Little pieces of glass covered the floor around the back door, only the frame still standing. The tiny pieces reflected the dim light and Ciel almost chuckled at the irony of how something to beautiful looking could be so painful to the touch. 

“Oh.” Without too many words, and trying his hardest not to worry too much about his father's possible reaction to the broken glass, the two carefully stepped inside, Sebastian taking a hold of the boy's hand so Ciel wouldn't fall. Finally inside, they stood still and Sebastian quietly watched Ciel’s face turn a bright red. 

“It’s like.. I'm sorry the house is so messy, I just haven't cleaned in a while and..” Ciel stuttered, incredibly comfortable with the fact that Sebastian had to see what the house he lived in looked like. 

“It's alright, I don't think it looks that bad.” 

“You're lying. Let's just go to my room so I can get some clothes,” Ciel suggested, walking upstairs and letting Sebastian follow him.  

“You're overthinking.” 

When the door to his room was opened, a tiny black kitten almost fell out of the room, big green eyes staring up at the two intruders. Ciel carefully bent down, petting the kitten's head. The animal began to purr loudly and Sebastian could only watch in awe, not having expected to ever find the kitten that went missing weeks ago ever again. The tiniest of smiles came to Ciel’s lips, and it honestly made a big difference when the boy smiled. He had a beautiful smile, the kind that made you wish you could stare at it a bit longer than just a few seconds without looking like a creep. His eyes traveled from Ciel's bandaged arms the dark animal, the two making quite a curious picture to look at; Happiness and despair, two quite contradictive things, were so close to each other when it came to Ciel. 

“How’d you get this kitten?” He asked, surprise about his discovery clear in his smooth voice. 

“I found her on the street sometime ago. She looked like she wouldn’t make it anymore for long, so I took her with me.” 

As if on cue, the animal made its way over to Sebastian, rubbing its fur against his dark jeans. 

“Oh I’m sorry, she’s a bit too comfortable around strangers it seems,” the younger teen said, his face a light pink, “I've never trained a cat, I mean can you even really train them?” A nervous laugh left Ciel's lips as he felt like a total idiot, talking about cats and blushing because he could swear Sebastian has just been staring at him. 

“I'm not a stranger though. She ran away from us sometime ago, the door hadn't been closed properly, and I couldn't find her anywhere.” He picked the animal up, its dark fur matching the dark colors automatically associated with Sebastian. “And I'm honestly so glad you did,” he spoke softly, eyeing the kitten on which he had pretty much given up by now. 

“Me too,” the boy admitted quietly, passing Sebastian by and lightly, accidentally, touching his shoulder as he did so. A short breath was sucked in and Ciel knelt down in front of his closet, opening a few drawers and picking out a certain few items he considered fitting. At first, Sebastian had been sitting there, eyes traveling from the cat to Ciel from time to time, finding his back turned to face him. When it didn’t quite seem like Ciel would desire to strike up a conversation anytime soon, a comfortable silence between them instead, one that both really needed after this noisy, troublesome day,Sebastian stood up and quietly left the room, earning a short glance from Ciel who in turn hurried in picking out clothes, and stuffed them into a black bag. 

The raven, in the meanwhile, had made his way over to the bathroom, remembering the bloody mess he had found here earlier, Ciel in the middle of it all. If Ciel was serious about not telling his parents, this would have to be cleaned and better fast than later, he didn't even know when they would come back after all and Ciel hadn't said anything about it either. 

The puddles of red had partially turned brown now, smeared across some parts of the white floor. Sebastian aimed for a used looking, old towel, held it underneath the stream of water for a second And began scrubbing the floor. It worked better than he had expected, the fabric soaking all the blood up and leaving as good as nothing behind. The raven repeatedly had to rinse out the already soaked up blood clean the towel until finally, he was done. Only his hands still had a tiny hint of red to them, and for a second, Sebastian stared in awe. He had never expected to someday wash away someone's blood from a cold bathroom floor like that. Life really was full of surprises,be that a positive or negative thing. He turned the water on hot, coated his hand in soap and scrubbed, the warm water making his cleaning feel even more efficient. 

Finally, there was no more blood on his hands, and no matter how ridiculous it might sound, one only truly appreciated not having their hands coated in blood when the opposite had just happened to them before. 

“Sebastian?” The taller of the two teenagers heard the younger call out his name, “could I.. Should I come in?” 

Sebastian immediately knew what the other meant; it wouldn't have done him any good had the younger teenager seen the bloddy mess the room had been minutes ago. Sebastian was actually grateful for being rather good at cleaning things as he answered Ciel's question. 

“You may come in, the room looks normal again, no signs of what happened visible,” the smooth voice affirmed, a sense of accomplishment in the words. 

What he hadn't expected however, was for Ciel to fly though the door like a tiny whirlwind, thin arms locking beind Sebastian's back and chest pressed against chest. Before Sebastian truly knew what was going on, the body in his arms was shaking with ragged breaths, wetness on Sebastian's shoulder where Ciel's head rested. 

“Thank you so much, I should have never done this.. How can I be so stupid?” The boy asked himself, a bit out of it. Sebastian gave in, his arms wrapping around the other’s small torso, pressing him a tiny bit closer with no real pressure. 

“You're not stupid at all, Ciel. More than anything, I wish you'd stop putting yourself down like that.. I mean, I've seen hints of what you think about yourself and it's.. It hurts to see you in pain, it’s actually that simple. Just don’t worry for now. I’ll have someone replace the broken window soon, you’re living with me for now, and my mother will might try some of her psychologist stuff on you, but if it gets uncomfortable for you, you can always tell her to stop. I mean it’s just.. Things will be okay for you from now on and I’ll make sure of that,” the tall dark haired male spoke into Ciel’s soft hair that was being pushed into Sebastian’s face lightly as they stood there in a tight hug.

Had Ciel’s face not turned red at the words, he probably would have argued with him. 

‘I don't need someone to save me,’ he would have said. And to be honest,the boy wasn't so sure anymore. Was it really that wrong to trust that someone might actually be there for him for once? 

A sigh left soft pale lips, and the younger boy’s body relaxed against Sebastian’s firm chest. 

“I really wouldn't even be here anymore without you, would I?” He asked, almost as silent as a whisper. 

“I don't know, Ciel,” Sebastian admitted, unsure of what else could be said, “and that sort of scares me.”

“It- it won't happen anymore. I'm better now. Everything was just too much at that moment,” Ciel searched for the right words, but somehow, he was clueless as to what he could even say. That seemed to become a rather common occurrence, but it was quite logical, really. Relationships had always been a big deal for him and it isn't an everyday thing for someone to save your life after all.

“I really hope that that's true. I don't want you feeling like you need to pretend to be okay all the time, and I don't know much about helping others, but I really want to try for once, Ciel.” 

“You’ve already done so much, you really don’t need to”- a loud honk from outside interrupted him, and Ciel felt his heart beat a little faster. He had been so close to Sebastian for the last minutes, and they weren't even at his family’s house yet. Who could tell how much closer they would get once they were actually there? 

Still, for now he stumbled over his words and fumbled awkwardly with his hands as both of them took a step back, “We, uhm, we should go, I have everything packed.”

Sebastian pretended not to see the others red face, trying not to think about what exactly that might mean. Lately, his feelings had been getting a bit out of control, but he supposed it was natural, having someone like Ciel- someone who was prone to chosing one extreme or another- in his life now. It wasn't entirely a negative thing, but a chaos like that in his mind always had its downsides, naturally. It was mostly the constant sense of worry that hid in the back of his mind and told him that, after he had seen what Ciel was capable of, really anything could happen with the other.

Trying to shove all those thoughts as far away as possible and think happier thoughts, he followed the light figure of Ciel as he moved to his room, picking up the cat, and downstairs. This time, they left through the front door, and both could already see Sebastian’s mother waving at them wildly. 

.. 

“That's blackmail,” Ciel protested, shoving the plate in front of him away. The two were sitting on the mattress that had previously been placed in the cellar room, having carried it up to Sebastian's instead. Though none of them had explicitly stated it, Sebastian and even more so, his mother, still felt a bit nervous at the thought of giving the boy his own room, and instead, hadn't even mentioned it and just made it seem obvious that Ciel would stay in there with the other. 

Shortly after, Sebastian had went downstairs, claiming to prepare a surprise for the boy. Ciel had, of course, argued and said that he didn't need anything at all, but Sebastian had disagreed. In the end, Ciel had stayed upstairs, staring at the ceiling with the small kitten on top of his flat stomach. 

“Don't think of it as that. It took me a whole hour to make this, and all the ingredients were fresh,” said Sebastian defensively. 

“I know and it’s very nice of you, but I'm really not feeling hungry at all,” the boy countered. 

“I'm beginning to think that you never feel hungry. So we'll have to work on that,” Sebastian grinned, putting some of the vegetable soup on a spoon and letting it cool down a bit. He had deliberately made something that's a bit on the lighter side, not expecting Ciel to be able to shove down a pizza or anything alike anytime soon. 

“What are you doing?” 

“I'm feeding you.” 

With that, the raven leaned over, his body nearly touching Ciel's who held a breath. Somehow, despite everything, he stopped arguing, instead focusing on the face a few inches away from his, and the amusement dancing in the red eyes. His face went red, and automatically, he opened his mouth as the spoon touched his lips, ignoring how awkward this was. 

Then, he chewed, and swallowed, eyeing the smug expression on Sebastian's face. 

“And?” 

Blue eyes went wide then for a second and Sebastian couldn't help but think about how endearing Ciel’s behavior was sometimes. 

“And what?” The smaller of the two asked, though he knew exactly what Sebastian wanted to know. 

“Do you like it?” Sebastian asked, curiosity clear in his tone. 

“It's edible.” 

“Edible?” 

“Oh come on, it tastes really good. Are you happy now?” Ciel asked, though his face gave away that the soup had actually tasted more than just good- Sebastian could easily become a cook one day if he wanted to, that much was sure. 

“Not quite, no. If you eat the whole plate, then maybe,” the raven chuckled, handing it over to Ciel who eyed the dish as though it had wronged him in any way. 

Still, he couldn’t bring himself to refuse, not when the other had spent this much time and effort on it, and besides, it wasn't like he didn't want to get better. He simply wasn't sure he would be able to do it. 

So, he carefully brought the spoon to his mouth a couple times, almost burning his tongue. In the meanwhile, Sebastian had gotten up and turned on the TV, unsure whether it was a good idea to pretty much monitor Ciel when he probably already felr uncomfortable eating at all. 

“Is there anything you like to watch? What’s your favorite movie?” The raven asked, going through his DVD collection in hopes of finding something of a little more value than the crappy dating show that was on the TV. 

“I'm not sure,” Ciel answered once he was done chewing, and he took a moment to admire Sebastian's body, all dressed in black and definitely more entertaining to Ciel than any show or movie, “What sort of movies do you like?” 

“I enjoy many different ones, though I used to be somewhat of a horror movie type, but I haven't been watching much of anything lately,” Sebastian admitted. 

“We can watch that,” Ciel suggested, happy because he didn't like being the one who had to pick something- he'd probably end up embarrassing himself with his bad taste in movies. 

“Only if you're okay with it,” Sebastian added then, wondering if maybe, it was weird to watch that sort of movie now of all times, when Ciel had only just gotten out of a hospital. 

“I am as long as it's not one of those horror movies that are so incredibly stupid and dull that you feel like your brain has been sliced in two afterwards,” the boy deadpanned and a cheshire grin came to Sebastian's lips at that. 

“I know just the right one, then,” Sebastian spoke, grabbing one of the DVD's and putting it into the player. He let himself fall down on the mattress just in front of the TV, Nearly making Ciel drop his plate.

“God, watch out,” the boy hissed as some of the hot food had been spilled on his stomach. He looked down at his shirt in disgust, and then proceeded to crawl over to his backpack, grabbing another shirt, and without a second thought, which was already a rare thing for him, pulled the dirty one over his head, making his hair look like a mess. And though Sebastian wanted to, he simply couldn't seem to pull his eyes away from the thin silhouette of Ciel's back, most of the teenager's face covered by his bangs. Sebastian eyed the white skin, the outlines of the bones that could easily be detected, some of the purplish colored bruised on his body, but most shockingly, he found himself not at all focusing on that- instead, he had been seeing Ciel's body as a whole. And despite all logic, he found himself thinking that, if he looked past all those obvious signs of his poor state of health, Ciel’s body was beautiful. It really didn’t look like the average male’s, but not like a woman’s either. He had that kind of beauty that is somehow strongly linked with his personality, and therefore, it felt like Ciel’s body actually complimented his character and the other way around.

Until, Ciel suddenly froze in his movements, blue eyes shooting a glance in Sebastian's direction, whose heart skipped a beat.

‘Fucking shit, I'm a creep.’

“Uh, your back is.. nice,” Sebastian awkwardly said before realizing what he had actually just done. He took a breath, and his eyes got wider, lips only the slightest bit open.

“My.. Uh, back?” asked Ciel cautiously, not at all sure what this was about. He briefly considerthe thought of Sebastian paying him compliments for all weird sorts of things now to build up his self-esteem, but let go of that thought as soon as it came.

“Holy.. I mean, yes it's nice and pale and all..,” the raven, for once at a loss of words, stuttered, “we should really watch the movie, It's nice too,” he added and wanted to disappear in the ground. 

“Thank you,” The boy moved over to the mattress once his shirt was on and the piercing gaze on him had disappeared, not directly answering the movie thing, but he guessed no answer was really needed with how his brain was racing right now. 

He had practically just stripped in front of Sebastian. The boy licked his lips and his eyes met the others right before Sebastian turned the light off. Ciel crawled underneath the warm blanket, trying to keep an appropriate distance from Sebastian. He leaned his back against the bed, mimicking Sebastian's position. 

When the movie began, Ciel's mind was still too far off to really register what was going on, until the first scary moment took place, the sudden loud noise and flash kicking him out of his thoughts and having him grabbing onto the nearest thing offering comfort, whcih just so happened to be Sebastian's arm, of course. 

When he could see the mocking laughter in those red eyes, Ciel muttered a defensive, “don't say anything,” and pretended to pay close attention to the movie, though he surely wouldn't be able to recall anything at all later on.

Sebastian answered with laughter, and it was about half an hour into the movie that the two had actually managed to fall asleep, Ciel's head on Sebastian's lap and the raven’s arms wrapped around Ciel in an almost absurd way. And though it was barely noticable, Sebastian could have sworn that the last expression he had seen before falling asleep was a small smile on the sleeping boy's face. 

 


	11. Feelings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I promised, it didn't take this long this time. Also, a tiny bit of smut that I really hope isn't written too badly. c:  
> Sorry for the typos, it's been written on my phone o:  
> Thanks for all the feedback, I love hearing from you, it keeps me going (:  
> Enjoy, hopefully

“What are you doing?” Asked Ciel, a hint of red on his cheeks and his heart beat having lost its rhythm pretty much. He was wearing nothing but his boxers, the soft material feeling nice on his skin. The light was dimmed and there was a soft guiar tune playing in the background, though it seemed very far away to the blue haired boy. In fact, everything felt a bit blurred except for one sensation that just so seemed to pierce right through his skin into his very core- Sebastian's mouth was on his neck, breathing softly and warmly against the sensitive flesh. The sensation of having goosebumps was almost suffocating, and Ciel prayed the other didn't notice. There was no way Sebastian was doing this in purpose, not to make him feel like that, all flustered and excited. 

There was no way Sebastian was making him horny on purpose, it simply couldn't be. 

“I'm touching you,” came the muffled answer, and all it took was hearing his voice for Ciel to dig his hands into the fabric of his boxers so hard, his knuckles were beginning to turn white. 

“I-I’ve noticed that, but why are-” 

Ciel's eyes closed tightly as the gentle touch suddenly turned into something far less innocent. The raven had harshly bitten into the soft skin, not enough to break it, but definitely enough to make a mark appear later. “Fuck,” he cursed, feeling like a cornered animal, but without any sort of fear involved. He was trapped, but in a good way. Sebastian’s scent was all over him, and it was the only thing he could halfway think of as the harsh bite began to fade into a gentler touch once more. Soft lips pressed against Ciel's skin, and began to move forward, coming closer to his jawline slowly, but none less intensely. A soft sigh left Ciel's lips, not a full moan, but dangerously close to it. Sebastian sat right behind him, dressed in jeans and a shirt- both quite normal for the other to wear. Just moments ago, it had still felt normal, like an innocent thing to do, sitting between Sebastian's legs and leaning against his torso as though it was a cushion. 

Now, things had changed. Not only was Sebastian still caressing him like it was nothing unusual, but his large hand had also made it a task of its own to pull Ciel's head back downwards, leaving his neck exposed and his eyes in a position to admire the ravens face. In the dim light, Sebastian was still deadly pale, but his eyes looked different, almost like a street sign reflecting the tiniest bit of light in the dark, they shone just a tiny bit as they took in Ciel's dishevelled appearance. Ciel's breathing had started to become louder, his body pumping blood through his veins much faster than usually, and all the emotions that flooded him with it must be a side effect of just that, his body was on alert more than anything, ready to notice even the tiniest of Sebastian’s skilled movements.

Still, how had it suddenly come to this? 

“Sebastian, you're.. You’re not gay,” Ciel stated, his voice almost cracking as he admitted it to himself much rather than Sebastian. The latter already knew of course, and his decision to toy with Ciel wasn’t really helping the boy come to terms with Sebastian’s sexuality.

The answer was a harsh bite into his neck, right where everyone would be able to see the mark that would surely form. Ciel winced, his chest rising and falling. He barely noticed it at first, but once his mind registered the pale hand scraping the skin of his stomach, moving from his lower body to his chest, a high pitched, yet hoarse moan left his lips. Sebastian's fingernails left red lines in their wake, and Ciel couldn't help but stare at his own body for a few seconds, fascinated by that sensation of being marked, being claimed. 

“I can still want you, can't I?” The words made perfect sense in Ciel's mind, which was rather far gone by now, and he nodded, swallowing when one of Sebastian's hands came dangerously close to his nipple. “Do you want me to touch you, Ciel?” Sebastian asked with his signature grin on his lips, red eyes piercing right through Ciel's. Another eager nod was the answer, and Sebastian's movements came to a halt. 

“Tell me then that you want to be touched. Convince me,” the raven sadistically spoke, amusement just as evident on his face as lust. 

“I- that's embarrassing,” the boy whimpered, giving Sebastian his best puppy eyes to get out of this.

The latter let his hands travel from Ciel's chest to his stomach in response, his hands ghosting over the boy's nipples, and Ciel flinched, a silent curse leaving his mouth. 

“Come on, just say it,” Sebastian insisted, his hands now on Ciel’s legs, stroking and scratching the inside of his tights with deliberately slow touches. When he reached his boxers, the hands stopped moving.

“Ah, Sebastian,” Ciel began, and paused there. He looked Sebastian in the eye, on his lips, and then let his eyes travel to his eyes. The boy bit his lower lip anxiously. “Touch me, please just do it, stop with this teasing,” he quickly spoke, trying not to break eye contact with the other as the words left his lips. 

“Good boy,” grinned Sebastian, and each of his hands took on a different task. While the left one came up to Ciel's nipple, pinching it harshly, he grabbed Ciel's bottom with the other, squeezing the skin roughly. 

“Ah, Sebastian,” Ciel breathed, becoming greedier for the other’s touch by the second. He pressed his body into Sebastians firm chest, overwhelmed by the gravity of the situation. Was he really going to sleep with him?

Sebastian then proceeded to bite his neck again, harsh and fast bites, and Ciel couldn’t stop himself from wanting more, wanting the other to properly touch him. To feel some sort of relief instead of just building up more and more tension inside his body.

“Sebastian,” he moaned as if in pain, not needing any more words- the desperate tone itself was enough to bring the message across rather clearly. The boy could swear that he felt something hard pressing against his clothed bottom, and he took a harsh breath. 

“Please, just-” 

“Ciel?” 

“Ciel, wake up please.” 

Shaking.

‘What?’

“Ciel, hey.” Hands were shaking Ciel’s shoulders up and down when the environment he had found himself in just seconds ago began to fade, and darkness took its place instead. There was no longer the buzzing guitar sound or the warm sensation of Sebastian’s hands on his body, only the warmth inside his stomach and his rapid heartbeat had remained. 

Then, he opened his eyes. 

“Sebastian?” Ciel spoke confusedly, his big blue eyes unfocused for another few seconds before they eventually settled on Sebastian's red eyes. Sebastian's face was right over his, his hands holding his shoulders. The pictures inside Ciel’s head almost cam rushing back right then and there, rough hands all over his body, Sebastian devouring him like it was the only thing the two of them were born for. Like it hadn’t been a dream.

“Thank god, you're awake. You seemed to be having a nightmare, your breathing was all messed up and eventually you even called me as if you knew I'd be here to wake you up.” 

“A nightmare?” Ciel spoke, and the word tasted like the most bitter lie on his tongue, “oh yes, I remember, it was terrible, I’m,” he took a deep breath in, “ai’m just happy you woke me up before things got too.. Bad.” It had definitely been the opposite of a nightmare for the boy. 

“What were you dreaming about?” Sebastian asked, genuine concern lacing his words and making Ciel wish that he never again would have to lie to the raven. Ciel's blue orbs were focused on his lips as Sebastian spoke, and he couldn't shake this infinite interest in what it would feel like to have them all over his body right now, and especially, on his lips once more. To actually, really kiss Sebastian, and to have him kissing him back.

“I.. Just, stuff,” Ciel stuttered awkwardly, pretty sure that Sebastian had noticed his unnatural interest in those pale lips. “I don't really want to talk about it,” he went on. 

“It’s alright, I get it. You just had me a bit worried, that's all,” Sebastian explained, and it was only now that Ciel actually focused on the other's appearance as a whole. The raven hair was usually a bit on the messy side, just as it was now. Sebastian was still dressed in the same clothes he had fallen asleep in, and it took another moment for Ciel to realize just what sort of position he had slept in. Instead of a pillow, he had somehow managed to fall asleep right on top of Sebastian's legs, his head really, really close to his crotch. The moment that information reached his brain, the blue haired boy almost jumped into a sitting position, his cheeks a deep red. 

‘Not that much of a surprise that I'd have a dream like that with this as my pillow,’ he thought to himself.

“I'm so sorry, I didn't notice that I fell asleep right on top of you,” he declared, a bit louder than necessary in his state of embarrassment. 

Sebastian chuckled when he saw the blushing mess that Ciel was. “It's not much of a miracle, I'm irresistible after all.” 

What shocked Sebastian more than any angry remark or insult from Ciel's side could have, was the fact that the boy didn't argue at all. “I guess so,” he had mumbled instead, eyes focused on anything but Sebastian's face. The latter wasn't quite sure what to make of it, and did what he always did. He shrugged it off, refusing to believe that there was even so much as a tiny possibility that Ciel may actually like him. That wouldn't do, it would only mess everything up and he could never bring himself to hurt Ciel. Not when the boy was like that, an open book  of emotions, simply waiting to be read by Sebastian. Somehow, he prided himself in the knowledge that it was exactly like that- Ciel was to be read, to be understood by him, and only him. He had been the one to safe the boy's life, and he had been the one Ciel had called out for in his sleep. ‘Calm down, just because he is gay it doesn't mean that he's into you, Sebastian,’ he told himself, but somehow, he could not entirely shake that feeling, the feeling that this may not be exactly what a normal friendship felt like. When he had made Joker, his best friend, blush, it had always been different. There had always been others involved, and things had seemed more amusing and less.. special. 

That was what confused him so much, how Ciel managed to make those moments feel so special to him, and whether it was a one sided thing or not. Maybe he was enjoying Ciel's company more than the other way around. 

“But even more than that, you're a bit overly convinced of yourself,”Ciel added then, having decided not to make things too easy for the other. 

“I've never understood how people make self confidence out to be a bad thing,” he answered casually, his lips pulled upward a tiny bit, “Should I begin to doubt myself more, would that be to your liking, majesty?” He mocked the other, an amused grim on the pale face. 

“Please don't, that's my part already,” Ciel answered, only realizing a second later how macabre that may have sounded considering everything that had happened. He quickly added an, “Sorry, that was uncalled for,” with a bit of panic in his voice. 

“Don't worry so much, we're going to work on that, you know?” 

“You tell me not to worry when you're the one with a savior complex that has yet to be found in anyone else,” Ciel answered, his smile betraying the fact that he really did not have any problem at all with Sebastian's savior complex at all. Not if it meant that he could be close to the taller boy. 

“Only when it comes to you though. Guess we're a perfect match,” Sebastian answered, only then quietly wondering whether that may have sounded a bit suggestive. Judging by the red color still staining Ciel's cheeks, it may or may not have. 

“Let's just make sure we don't burn out then,” Ciel added, feeling a tiny bit of excitement inside his chest at Sebastian's words. Would it forever go on like this? With how often Sebastian accidentally got Ciel's hopes up, it was almost like a cosmic joke. He flashed Sebastian a smile before suddenly remembering something else, a problem he had somehow managed to push in the back of his mind. 

“I think I have to use the bathroom and take a shower,” the boy spoke, avoiding Sebastian's eyes. By now, Sebastian was losing the habit of overanalyzing each and every little thing Ciel did, it would simply drive him insane if he'd continue on with that now that they lived together for an ulimited amount of time. 

“Sure,” He agreed, “I'll either be in here or downstairs making breakfast then, just tell me when you're done, and we'll change your bandages.” 

“You don't have to help me with them,” Ciel spoke, secretly hoping the other would insist.

Which he did. “I don't want any of your wounds reopening, so make sure you leave them out when you shower, and either I help or you eat two servings of breakfast, choose wisely.” 

“You’re stupid,” Ciel argued with no real spite. He couldn't recall the last time he had felt this way, wanted and cared for. Like he mattered to someone. 

Not saying anything else, he got up carefully, grabbing a jacket, shirt and some pants from his backpack, using them to cover up the obvious bulge in his pants as he made his way out of the room into the bathroom. Sebastian, meanwhile, was lost in his thoughts as he mindlessly eyed Ciel.

When the door was finally closed behind him, Ciel let the clothes in his hands drop to the floor instantly. He shuffled out of his clothes that felt entirely too constructing and turned to water on. When it was finally warm, he thought everything over. Would it really be that bad of an idea to jack off in Sebastian's shower? Sure, it might be a bit weird, but as long as he never found out about it..

‘Fuck it, it's his own damn fault for doing these things to me,’ He told himself, leaving out the part that he had done it in a dream, not in reality.

The boy stepped inside the shower, letting the warm water wash over his body. Every since he'd woken up, he had noticed that uncomfortable heat inside his stomach, and the erection still hadn't left. He still felt flustered, as though it had only been seconds since he woke up. 

Not quite aware of the fact that he was actually going through with this, his right hand touched his chest softly and Ciel tried to recall just how Sebastian's touch had felt in his dream. It had been exciting, just the right mixture between soft and harsh touches. He softly let his hand make its way down his deadly flat stomach, stepping a tiny bit to the side so his wrists wouldn’t be exposed to the water. 

Back against the cold shower wall, he took a hold of his erection, hissing when it was finally touched after this achingly long time. The hard flesh fit perfectly in his hand as he began to slowly jerk himself off, the bluenettes mouth falling open in a silent gasp. He imagined it to be Sebastian’s hand instead, making him moan with teasing touches. The thought of how Sebastian probably looked naked had him going a bit faster, his breathing coming out in pants, “nng, Sebastian,” he moaned, trying to keep himself as quiet as possible. He bit his lip, going even faster and moving his hips slightly, thrusting into his hand. Ciel thought about what it would feel like if Sebastian took him from behind, his legs spread wide and inviting the raven to fill him with bis dick, and that moment, the teenager lost it, cumming inside the shower with a loud moan, and he saw white. Time seemed to have stopped for a few moments and it took a bit for him to register what had just happened. Heavy breaths were leaving his lips, his heart pumping rapidly, the small plae hand still surrounding his dick and stroking in lazily as he rode out of the insense orgsam he had just experienced. 

Finally, his legs seemed to give in and he had to use both his hands to support himself in order to not slip and fall on the hard ground. 

“God,” Ciel whispered to himself as a realization hit him. He couldn't even remember the last time he had touched himself, for the longest time, he would have done anything rather than letting his body feel even a tiny amount of pleasure. And this surely hadn’t been just a bit.

Now, all it had taken was one dream about Sebastian teasing him, and there he was. Clinging onto a shower wall for support after having jerked himself off in the bath of the very person that had caused this unbearable amount of sensations inside him. 

Lazily, he reached for the shower head and pulled it down, letting the water wash over his body and clean way any evidence of what had just taken place in here. 

... 

“He seems to feel better again, but this morning he woke me up because he was having a nightmare,” Sebastian answered his mother's question, yawning a second later. He reached for another apple, and proceeded to cut it into tiny pieces. Originally, the raven had planned on making pancakes, but he had thought it over and decided otherwise in the end. If Ciel had barely eaten anything for God knows how long now, it was probably a better idea to get him used to it slowly, with foods that wouldn't have the boy all too worried about his calorie intake. 

“Did he tell you about it?” His mother questioned, eyeing Sebastian's hand as it cut the apple into tiny pieces. 

“He said he didn't want to talk about it,” Sebastian answered with a tiny frown, “but I don't know whether or not this happens to him more often. 

“I might just ask him about it later.” 

“Mom, I know you're taking this very seriously, and I want you to. But please, don't make him feel forced to talk. Ciel's a bit.. Complicated. I don't want you to push him away,” the raven explained to his mother, eyeing her dark brown eyes while talking. She let her eyes travel across her son, a tiny smile coming to her lips. 

“You've changed a lot lately,” the woman began, “It's like you have managed to become way more of an adult in the shortest amount of time. And I'm honestly glad about it, I'm happy that Ciel is a part of your life now, and I'm so extremely glad that nothing happened to him in the end. But, just know that you cannot take every burden from his shoulder for him. He's not a child and it won't do him any good if we worry too much, there needs to be a good balance between caring for someone else and caring for yourself.” 

Red eyes narrowed the tiniest bit, “what exactly are you getting at?” 

“Nothing, it's really just how I said it, you've never let anyone get too close, and I don’t want you to forget that this isn’t only hard on Ciel, it’s none the easier for you. Basically, I'm just saying that you can talk to me anytime if things aren't going as smoothly as they do at the moment.” 

Sebastian took a few seconds to think this over, and eventually concentrated on his cooking again, a smile forming on his lips. 

“I know that a lot of things happened just now, but somehow, it doesn't drain me of my energy. There's no use in thinking about the negative, and I know that. Ciel might mean trouble, but I've been wondering whether maybe he's the exact kind of trouble my life needed. Things don't seem as dull anymore, you know mom?” 

“It sounds almost like you've fallen for Ciel,” his mother teased with a grin that looked much like Sebastian's own. 

Then, there was silence, and Sebastian’s eyes were fixed on the knife still in his hand, though he had stopped cutting the fruit. 

“Don't get this wrong, I know that gender shouldn't matter when it comes to love, but I have told you before, I'm not gay. And if I was, I still don't think I could be with him like that,” he countered, his voice not coming out as firm as it should have. One second later, he added, ”and I cannot imagine him to like me like that. Even though he's gay, he's not just into any other boy, why would it be me?” He spoke out the exact same thing he had been trying to convince himself of since he woke up pretty much. 

“I don't think you realize how much you have done for Ciel already. The way I see it, he doesn't have any support system at all, and you took all of that upon yourself. Why wouldn't he think of you in a very positive way?”

Before Sebastian came up with a response, the soft sound of feet trotting down the stairs could be heard, and the words died on his tongue. 

Ciel was wearing and oversized white pullover and dark rather tight pants. His hair was messy and not really dry yet, some of it sticking to the skin and a few tiny drops of water sliding down bis neck. Although Ciel looked like he could easily suffocate in the big piece of fabric, it would be a lie to say that the white didn't suit the pale boy; It only made his eye and hair color stand out a little more. 

Still, what caught his attention more than anything else was the look on Ciel's face. He looked like there wasn't as much on his mind as usually, a certain sense of calmness painted on the soft features of his face instead. No nervous breakdown waiting to happen, he looked just like anyone should in the morning; still a bit tired, but not stressed. 

“Good morning,” Ciel greeted the two, a bit hesitant since it felt like he had just interrupted a conversation in a sense, but that could be his imagination. 

“Morning,” Sebastian's mother answered with a gentle smile on her face. 

He grinned back at her and made his way over to Sebastian, eyeing the other’s work. Sebastian’s eyes moved along with Ciel, It was almost like he was eyeing something strange and exotic, the way Ciel's movements caught Sebastian's attention. 

‘Don't freak out, it's only natural to want to take a closer look at someone who lives with you. It hasn't been that long and I have yet to learn how Ciel looks and acts in different situations,’ Sebastian told himself, feeling a tiny bit as though his own mind was betraying him. His interest in Ciel couldn't be anything more than a friendly one, simply because he wouldn't accept anything else. 

The raven picked out his cellphone, his thoughts suddenly taking a completely different turn and drifting back to the accidental kiss he had shared with Ciel. 

“I think I might meet up with Meyrin later when you two have your talk,” he quickly announced, effectively stopping his thoughts of touching Ciel. He typed a message and sent it to the girl quickly, deeply convinced that this was what he needed; a reminder of his sexuality. A reminder that Ciel was nothing more than a friend, no matter how complicated their relationship was. 

“Sure, do as you please,” his mother spoke lightly, but the way her eyes narrowed said it all, she knew exactly what her son was trying to do, and she surely didn't like the thought. 

“Talk?” Asked Ciel, trying hard to ignore the way his heart beat a bit harsher at the thought of Sebastian wanting to meet someone else. Though, he didn't know much about Sebastian's friends, and it wasn't really his business. He had noticed that the raven's eyes had been on him a bit more often than usually, but whenever he looked back, Sebastian avoided eye contact. 

Ciel's hand subconsciously turned into a fist and he did his best to calm himself down and not overreact. It was always like that. Before someone left, they began showing those little signs. No more eye contact, no more smiling, and eventually, no words anymore at all. 

“I thought today would be a good day to talk a little about everything that happened. Not so much in a ‘therapy' like setting yet, I would like to get to know you better personally as well, you're living with us now after all.” 

Sebastian would be lying if he said that he didn't notice the way Ciel's teeth sunk into his lower lip and his eyes widened a bit. If he had to guess, he would say that the smaller boy was terrified at the thought of talking about his problems and all. 

“Oh, sure we can do that,” Ciel said even though his body spoke a whole different story. 

Sebastian got out two spoons for the both of them and handed Ciel his fruit salad. The boy looked confueed for a second but muttered a quiet ‘Thanks,’ shortly after. 

“Fine then, how about in two hours? I still have some cleaning to do,” the woman spoke jokingly, making a bitter face. 

“That would work for me,” Ciel confirmed politely, waving at her when Sebastian motioned for the two of them to go to his room. Ciel followed him quietly, still sensing somewhat of an awkward tension. Or what if he was imagining it?

There was a vibrating sound then, and instead of the expected answer from the redhead, a message from his mother showed up that read ‘Don't mess this up, please.’ The raven angrily shove his cellphone back into his pocket, looking displeased. It wasn't like he wanted to create a mess and that was exactly why he was meeting the girl. Ciel was going to live here and there was no way of keeping up their good relationship for as long as Sebastian wasn’t sure that it was nothing more than that, just friendship. 

“Did I do something to upset you?” Came a quiet and cold sounding voice from behind, and Sebastian had to turn around and look at Ciel to make sure that the boy had actually spoken to him. It might as well have been his imagination. Blue eyes were closed a bit more than usually, and fixed on Sebastian's face.

“Huh? What would make you think that?” Asked the raven in response. 

“It's just.. Forget it, it doesn’t matter,” Ciel said in the typical way one did when talking about things that actually did matter. 

“At this point, I think there’s hardly anything you could do to make me feel negative about you, I hope you know that,” admitted Sebastian honestly, and it was really true. Despite his inner struggle, Ciel hadn't done anything wrong. In fact that was exactly was scared Sebastian, the way he would sometimes find himself eyeing Ciel when he wasn't noticing and the way be felt looking at the bluenette. 

.. 

Sebastian and Meyrin met at two PM near the forest on a park bench, a place Sebastiab often picked when he wanted to meet up with someone and it was nice outside. And indeed, the sun was shining.

“Hey, there you are finally,” the raven greeted the younger girl, having waited about ten minutes for her arrival. 

“Hey, Sebastian. I’m uh, I’m so sorry for being late. I made a mess in the kitchen and had to clean it all up because my mom wouldn’t let me out otherwise,” she explained, her face a dark shade of red. 

It had been clear that she liked Sebastian for the last few years, he only never truly payed her much attention up until now, and this was probably morally wrong in so many ways. The red haired girl had always been a bit of a wallflower up until recently. When puberty had hit her, it really had caused quite a few changes; her bosom had grown larger and her face looked more defined. The most striking feature about her were probably her hazel eyes, but they dulled in comparison to Ciel's shining blue. Also, despite her physical changes, her personality had remained just the same. She was clumsy as ever, easily blushing and friendly. Somehow, that mixture didn't seem to do much for Sebastian though.

Without another word, Sebastian leaned over and pressed a kiss on her pink lips, hoping with all heart that he would feel something, anything at all. Even if it was just arousal, he'd gladly take that. 

And while Meyrin felt like her heart was going to burst right out of her chest, Sebastian could have just as well been pressing his lips on an apple, a wall or a piece of dirt. Nothing. That moment of being taken over by the sudden excitement never even came, and instead, he pushed her away again a bit harshly, muttering an, ‘I'm sorry, that was uncalled for.’ 

The girl's mouth still stood open, her cheeks flushed, but a look of disappointment came to her face when she heard those words, they could have just as easily come from a stranger. There was no emotion there, at least no positive one. Only disappointment. 

‘Fuck,’ Sebastian's mind was screaming at him, but he remained calm on the outside, trying not to show that there was a panic rising inside his chest he had hardly ever felt before. Why hasn't he felt anything? 

“What was that all about?” 

He shook his head, not coming up with anything. 

“I’m so very sorry, but I need to go,” the raven replied hastily. 

“Wha-” 

And just like that, he stormed off into the direction of the forest, pulling out his cellphone. 

“Joker?”

“Well, I surely haven't heard from you in a while.” 

“I've been insanely busy. Can you come.. Somewhere and talk?” Sebastian asked, a frown on his face. 

“Is it about something serious or are you just bored? Because I just started watching a new show and I'm binging on it right now,” Joker declared jokingly. 

“I don't know how serious it is, but I definitely just fucked up,” the raven answered, his voice sounding a bit drained. All of a sudden, he couldn't quite figure out anymore how he had thought that kissing that girl would solve any of his problems. 

“What’d you do?” 

“I kissed Meyrin.” 

A short pause followed. “How’s that a problem? She’s pretty decent looking and she always seemed like a nice person.” 

“Yeah, well she is. But I’m not. Where can we meet?” 

“Can you pick me up at my house in a few minutes? I have to put on some clothes,” Joker replied. 

“That would be much appreciated, thanks,” Sebastian spoke, “I’ll be there soon and you’d better be ready by then.” 

With that, he ended the call, making his way into the direction of the redhead's house. 

...

Ciel was sitting on the soft couch in Sebastian's home, fumbling around with his finger nails as he waited for Sebastian's mother to return with their cups of tea. 

He looked down at his arms, noticing only now that they had forgotten to change the bandages earlier. 

Finally, Sebastian's mom returned, letting herself sink info the soft cushion. The flashed Ciel a smile that reminded him of Sebastian's. 

“So, I hope I'm not making things too awkward for you.” 

A small smile came to his lips. “You're not. I just, I don't really know where to begin. Could you ask questions to make this easier?”

The woman nodded in understanding, and her eyes met Ciel's. 

“Okay then. For starters, I'll get that typical question out of the way. How is your relationship with your parents, Ciel? You're living with your father now, aren't you?”

Ciel swallowed, but told himself not to freak out. She was only trying to help him get better. And boy, did he want to get better. If not for himself, then for Sebastian.

“My parents are divorced. Pretty much your typical broken family. They used to fight so much, and in the end, they decided to just go different ways. I used to live with my mother, but she eventually sent me off to live with my.. Father.” 

“Oh, just so you know, you only have to tell as much as you're comfortable with for now, by the way. Would you have preferred to continue living with your mother?” 

“Thanks,” Ciel smiled, actually feeling a bit of relief wash over him, “and I don't know. Her life isn't as messy as my father's. He's away a lot of the time, and somewhat.. Unstable. Living with him, I feel like a normal person almost.. in comparison. My mother though, with her I felt like even more of an outcast. Everything was always clean and structured, except for me. I guess I wasn't made for living with either of the two.” 

“I understand what you mean. Is there anywhere else you think you belong? Like, another relative who you get along with better than them?” 

Ciel shook his head. He had barely met any of his relatives since there was always some sort of fight going on between his parents and the others. 

“And what about friends? Do you have many?” 

“None at all,” Ciel spoke bitterly before realizing just how negative that had sounded. 

“Well, you do have Sebastian, don't you?” She grinned, trying to lift him up a bit. 

“I do, in one way or another. I don't know if he considers me a friend,” Ciel remarked quietly, biting his lip.

A short laughter left red lips. “The only person he ever elt in was his best friend, Joker. They are close, but I cannot tell whether they are as close as you two. He seems more lively when you're around, can't you tell?” 

Ciel's eyes widened when he heard those words. 

“I didn’t know it was like that,” he admitted, once again fascinated by how little he actually knew of the raven. 

“Well, you do now. And I can tell that you're a special person to him,” she spoke with a grin on her lips. 

..

 

 

He rang the door, and it took about five more minutes until Joker was finally standing in front of him, already having his shoes and a jacket on. “Long time no see.” 

“Don't be so melodramatic, we just saw each other in school a few days ago, and it's not my fault you didn't come for the last few days just because you got into some new anime and need to spend all your free time, plus actual school time, watching it.” 

“Yeah, yeah I get it. So, what's up?” Asked the redhead as he and Sebastian started walking without a destination in mind. He pulled out a pack of cigarettes, lighting one of them. 

 

“Do you think I'm gay?” 

At that, a loud cough left Joker's mouth, and he choked on the thick smoke. He handed the cigarette to Sebastian so he could calm down and punch his chest lightly. Sebastian himself took a drag of the cigarette, hoping the nicotine would somehow make everything feel a bit less complicated. 

Voice still scratchy, Joker started finally answered. 

“Why are you asking me that? I hardly believe you've fallen in love with me.” 

“Don't worry, that will never happen. Still, you’re my best friend. It's natural I come to you when I question myself.” 

“Just tell me what happened to make you think that,” Joker demanded, caught copletely off guard. Of all questions, he surely hadn’t expected this.” 

“I’ve sort of met someone who feels very, I don't know how to put it,” Sebastian began, eyeing the passing landscape, “let's say special. Someone who feels like a special person to me.” 

“And it's a boy? Please don't tell me it's some old guy or anything.” 

Sebastian chuckled, thinking about how Ciel was most definitely not an ‘old guy'. 

“It's a boy, yes. Younger than us, so don't worry.” 

“Do I know him?” 

“To be honest, I don't know. Maybe. But that doesn't matter for now. He's been having a really hard time lately, and I cannot help but feel the urge to help him.” 

“That sounds more like you've simply finally stopped being a dick.” 

“Whatever. That's only how it started.” 

Joker eyed him in confusion. “How what exactly started?” 

“How I started to get closer to him,” Sebastian answered as though things very that obvious. 

“Did you kiss him yet?” Joker asked, looking almost like an excited child asking whether their favorite story is true. He took the cigarette from Sebastian's hand and inhaled. 

“Sort of,” shrugged the raven. “I mean I was doing self defense training with him, and we sort of.. Fell on each other, but it was not a real kiss or anything,” he finished, a contemplating look on the pale face.

“Dude, that sounds like something you’d see on the TV in some crappy Romance movie,” Joker laughed. “But alright, tell me more about him, about everything.”

“When we met, he was hurt by a group of people and I brought him home. Next time, I met him sitting in the forest and drinking all by himself. We fell in a lake and he stayed the night because he fell asleep instantly.”

“You both do have a thing for falling, don't you?” 

“Shut up,” Sebastian hissed, but Joker could tell the difference between a real pissed off and fake pissed off Sebastian quite easily. “Then, I came up with a way to help him with his bullying issue, we trained self defense together. That's when he fell on top of me. Things got even more complicated then and he didn't have a place to stay, “ Sebastian continued, leaving the details of Ciel's condition out. They felt too personal to just be shared like that.

“And he's living with me for now.” 

Joker's grin turned into a genuine smile as he heard these words. “Sounds perfect to me. So what's the problem, isn't he into you?” 

“He is.. Gay. And I have no idea whether or not he likes me at all. And I'm not sure myself.” 

“What do you mean, you're not sure?”

“I.. He means a lot to me, and I really like having him with me. But it was only friendship, or at least that's what I thought until this morning.” 

“What happened this morning to make you realize it?” Joker asked confusedly, feeling a bir flooded by all of the information. 

“He really didn't do anything. He came down the stairs in the morning after showering and it kind of feels like.. I've been watching him move, studied his body. And I've been fascinated by his eyes ever since I first saw them. Still, it wasn't like this. It's as though these feelings were just hiding in the shadows, and now, with him by me and everything, it was the first time I realized that I looked At him very much differently than other persons. That's why, I got scared. So I called Meyrin and asked her to meet me. We did, and I kissed her to test just how different if feels compared to having Ciel's lips on mine.” 

“Man, that's fucked up, that poor girl,” Joker responded, not that amused. 

“I know, I realized it when it was too late. But I'll make it up to her somehow. Still, what I basically found out was that it did nothing for me. I thought of Ciel and what kissing him again would feel like instead.” 

“This sounds so much like a girl's problem, you’ve become quite the pussy, you know?” 

“Shut up, you're not helping.”

Joker's eyes widened a tiny bit, “what should I help you with?” 

“You could tell me what to do for example. I have no idea what I feel for him or how he feels about me. It's all so messed up, and I don't know what to do about it. And you know my mom, she’s great, but sometimes too great. She's too old to really understand my problem here, I think.” 

“Well, I don't even understand it either. You think you like him, fine. Maybe he likes you, that would be perfect. In order to find out, you need to try and find out instead of sharing meaningless kisses and trying to prove anything to yourself or someone else. Jusy try to find out whether he likes you.” 

Sebastian kept quiet before nodding eventually. 

“How am I supposed to do that?”


	12. stupid ideas

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it finally is, the new chapter. I've had some problems with my cell phone and pretty much all of my documents have been deleted, therefore I bad to write the whole thing twice. Couple that with the fact that I'm writing the four most important exams of my entire school life next week (which I should probably be learning for) and you get a very stressed me. 
> 
> I hope that the chapter is still okay and that I don't come across too confused or anything here.. Sorry if there are some mistakes, I'll read through it tomorrow and try to correct them.
> 
> Also, there are drugs in this chapter, along with fluff, be warned! :3 and thanks to everyone for the feedback, you guys are great and I'm so happy people like this story, I'll reply as fast as possible (:

By the time Sebastian arrived at home, it was already dark outside, and even though summer was definitely approaching, it wasn't really that warm outside yet. He had spent some more time with Joker, talking about everything that was on his mind. Basically, he had suffocated the other in information on the blue haired boy, and demanded that the redhead figured out a way for him to find out how Ciel felt about him.

When Joker had trouble coming up with anything, they eventually resorted to searching on the internet, but all the methods found there had creeped the dark haired male out more than anything. 

Eventually, Joker had come up with an idea that left Sebastian silently shaking his head and sighing in despair. Still, it was his best option, probably. 

‘God damn it, I'm definitely not a good influence on Ciel in any way,’ Sebastian pondered that thought as he rang the door bell, having forgotten the key once again. He let his eyes wander in the direction of the yellowish light of the street lamps, and one of them flickered continuously. Sebastian's observation of the environment was disturbed when he heard a soft click and the door was pulled open by his mother, a cell phone pressed to her ear. She motioned for him to get inside, and gave him a tiny smile before wandering off into the kitchen, talking to whoever it was. The male thought about getting himself some food, but decided against it after a few seconds, instead opting to kick his shoes off and make his way up the stairs, the wood silently complaining underneath his weight. 

When he stood in front of the door to his room, he took a moment to brace himself and think things over once more. A sense of guilt was making itself clear inside his chest, like a caged animal waiting to break out. He thought about the kiss he had shared with Meyrin just hours ago and the lack of feelings that had assaulted him in its wake. Of course, the fact that he hadn’t felt like jumping out of his skin upon getting closer to the girl could simply be due to the fact that he wasn't into her. In combination with the thought of the intimate moment he had shared with Ciel though, and the way it had bothered him, things had gotten more complicated. And now, here he stood, acting like a twelve year old, afraid to open the door to his own room for fear of facing what might be his crush in some twisted way. 

‘This is ridiculous,’ he thought to himself then, pushed an outgrown lock of hair behind his ear and opened the door enthusiastically, like he was born to do nothing less.

Ciel's head shot up when the door slammed against the wall, his pencil falling to the ground and his eyes widening slightly. The boy was dressed in black shorts, dark blue overknees reaching almost all the way up to his hip. Coupled with that, he wore a loose white shirt made of soft fabric, covering him almost like a feathery blanket. Sebastian swallowed as he eyed Ciel, the way he was laying on his stomach, one leg lifted up into the air, head supported with one of his arms while a pencil fell out of the other the second Sebastian had entered. 

“Hey,” Sebastian greeted him with a smile on his lips, trying his hardest to focus on Ciel’s face, despite the fact that he wanted to study the other’s body and his clothing choices more than anything else right now, for some incomprehensible reason. But, with the way things were getting out of hand, it was becoming increasingly harder to focus on anything at all. Stil, he was probably best off behaving like a normal human being.

“Hi,” Ciel answered, his voice a bit shaky. The boy had half expected Sebastian to sleep somewhere else, or at least, return later. “I'm sorry, I hope it's okay if I draw on here,” he asked, looking slightly uncomfortable, like a child that was discovered stealing cookies in the kitchen. 

“You can draw anywhere you want, you know?” Sebastian said with a grin, enjoying the slight blush on Ciel's cheeks and the boy’s innocent worries. He stepped inside, taking his jacket off and sitting down. “What are you drawing?” The raven haired male asked, genuinely interested in what Ciel's mind might come up with. 

Ciel had just sat there down on his knees, ready to answer verbally when a large pale hand reached for his sketch, red eyes focusing on the landscape he had drawn. The scenery was colorless, darker and lighter shades of grey being the only indicator of the true colors. Still, it was none the less amazing. Sebastian recognized the garden immediately. It was the place out in the forest, complete with the fallen tree, the water and the flowers. 

“It's not finished yet,” protested Ciel and snatched the drawing away from the other.

“I think it looks great.” 

“It's not that great, really.” 

“I didn't know you could draw,” Sebastian countered, not wanting to argue over it. 

Ciel started collecting his pencils, creating some more space on the sheets. Dark blue eyes were glued to the drawing utensils, and Sebastian could swear the red on Ciel's cheeks had turned to a darker shade upon hearing the compliment. 

“I used to draw a lot,” the bluenette spoke up, “your mother asked me about my hobbies earlier, and when I told her, she gave me all this stuff.” 

Sebastian raised a brow in surprise. He had never expected his mother to hand his father's old pencils and art supplies out to anyone just like that, really. Not that Ciel was just anyone. “You should really start drawing more again then. If you can draw that,” he motioned to the sketch,”without any practice, I really want to see what your art looks like when you do it more often.” 

“Sure, I can do that,” Ciel agreed, his eyes locking with Sebastian's for a long moment. Then, he snapped out of it and continued speaking, “and thanks.” 

“I assume you don't have anything planned for the evening yet?” Sebastian asked a little awkwardly, looking the other in the eye. 

“What exactly should I have planned?” 

“Well, nothing, that is kind of the point. I've got a surprise,” the taller of the two explained, enjoying the curious expression on Ciel's face. 

“What is it?” 

“How about you take a quick shower or something, and then I'll show it to you? Just give me like, 10 minutes or so.” 

A tiny frown adorned Ciel's face upon hearing those words. He wanted to know what the other was making such a fuss over right now, not in ten minutes. Puppy eyes turned to face Sebastian, “give me a hint at least.” 

Sebastian faked an exhausted sigh, and red eyes glowed underneath the dark, long lashes. “What do I get in return?” 

“What do you want?” 

“Quite a lot of things actually. Come up with something on your own, or no hint.”

Ciel’s face was red again, all sorts of messed up thoughts running wild inside his brain. He didn't have much to offer besides some kind of service, and he wasn't exactly fond of the thought of playing Butler for the other. Sure, if he had to play butler for anyone, Sebastian deserved it most. He bit his lip in worry, until he finally came up with something a few seconds later, blue eyes turning a bit brighter. 

“I can draw you something,” Ciel exclaimed. 

“What are you going to draw me?” Sebastian asked as though Ciel still had some convincing to do. 

“Depends on your surprise,” Ciel replied sassily, a smile coming to his lips. Sebastian kept his eyes focused on it for a second. “Well, it’s a deal then.” 

“Yeah, yeah. So tell me,” demanded the boy, not bothering to hide his excitement. He had never expected Sebastian to suddenly ‘have a surprise’ for him until seconds ago, after all. 

“Okay, so.. My hint is, it's probably a bad idea and I shouldn't be doing it, but I think it's going to be fun.. if you don’t chicken out of course, that is,” he teased the younger one. 

“You're joking, right? This wasn't helpful at all,” Ciel started to complain, but the other put a hand to his back, effectively making him stand up. He carefully led Ciel to the bathroom door, basically pushing him put of the room.

“Use your imagination, you're not getting more hints from me.” 

“Pf, fine,” Ciel childishly answered, stepping in the room right next to Sebastian's.

With that, the door was closed and Sebastian took a breath, concerned with how easy gesture such as touching Ciel's back could get him nervous. He decided not to dwell on it and took out his tobacco along with a paper, and started working on the questionable surprise he'd planned with Joker.

Ciel, on the other side of the door, was just as nervous, all the formality that Sebastian had displayed just now having him a bit on the edge. It was almost like he had asked him out on a date.

“As if,” Ciel mumbled to himself as he stepped out of his clothes, not looking at the nearby mirror. He was trying hard not to let his mind become too preoccupied with thoughts of Sebastian in that way, aware that it would only make things hurt more if the other didn't like him in the end. 

Ciel got inside the shower, washing himself rather fast. He had already showered some hours ago after all. Still, it got the job done and distracted him from the wait. He hadn't bothered to look at the clock, but he assumed that by now, ten minutes should have passed. ‘We still have to change the bandages,’ Ciel reminded himself, eyeing his wrists like they had wronged him in some way. Then, it hit him. Had he actually died, he would have never experienced this very moment- being here with Sebastian, showering in his shower.. It was almost too good to be true. A soft sort of happiness filled his chest and he didn't want it to end. If he could chose a way to spend life forever, this would be it. He wrapped a big soft towel around himself, chanced one last glance in the mirror, and opened the door, trying hard not to blush because of his nonexistent clothes. Sebastian hadn’t even noticed that Ciel had entered, and he took it as a chance. The boy softly padded over to where Sebastian was sitting, focused on something lying on the table in front of him. Completely focused.

He let his fingers comb through his hair, making sure his fingers were wet. With the speed of a cheetah, he let them slip inside his shirt to the back of Sebastian's neck, and the latter almost fell from the chair in shock. 

“I'm done, now show me your big surprise,” Ciel demanded cheerily, stunning Sebastian even more. 

“Get your cold claws off me,” he complained, pushing Ciel's hands out of his shirt, not wanting him to notice the goose bumps all over his back.

He had no such luck. Ciel licked his lips as he felt the skin underneath his fingers, amazed by the effect a tiny bit of coldness can have on someone. “You didn't strike me as the type to get cold easily,” the boy said, a sly grin on his lips. “What are you doing there? -show me!” 

Sebastian turned around a bit, his profile coming into view, and for a few seconds Ciel caught himself admiring the way his back muscles moved underneath that shirt. 

“So, I met a friend of mine today, and this is essentially a gift from him. He still had some leftover weed from last weekend. So we could smoke together- only if you want to, of course,” he finished his sentence by grinning at Ciel, his eyes dark with excitement and amusement. 

There was a moment of silence before Ciel burst out into silent laughter. 

“I never expected you to be a hippie like that,” he spoke half to himself half to Sebastian. “I've never done that before, is it, you know, safe?” 

“Safe?” 

Ciel eyed him. “Do you think I can handle it? My body reacts sort of weird to drugs I guess. Remember when I was drunk and we fell into the water? Do you think worse things could happen when I smoke?” He asked, only half serious. 

“I don't think falling into that lake was that bad of a thing. And I'm pretty sure you'll be alright. Even though hardly anyone understands, cannabis is actually a lot less unhealthy than alcohol, not to mention less dangerous. Also, it was for free,” he grinned, putting the stick between his lips and fishing for a fire with the other. 

“You're gonna smoke that in here?” Ciel then asked with wide eyes. 

“That would be that great of an idea I fear. We're climbing on the roof, come on,” he answered and pointed at one of the closed windows, beginning to get rid of anything standing on the window sill. He then took a hold of the knob, twisting it around and opening the bigger window. There was a ladder right next to it leading to the top of the roof. 

“Hold on for a second, I need to put on some clothes,” Ciel spoke up. 

‘It's settled then, it seems,’ Sebastian grinned to himself as he eyed Ciel out of the corner of his eye as the boy searched for fitting clothes. In the end, he opted for shorts along with some knee socks and a thin, gray pullover. Ciel delibaratley walked into the corner of the room Sebastian couldn't face then, and quickly put the mostly dark colored fabric on his body, enjoying the cozy feeling of the freshly washed clothes on his vanilla scented skin. Sebastian's mother had actually bothered to leave some shampoo along with a few other things behind in the bathroom for Ciel to use. That way, he didn’t have to use Sebastian’s all the time. And even though he liked the other’s smell, Ciel had always been a sucker for sweet scented shampoos and soaps. 

“Are you done yet?” Sebastian eventually asked, not wanting to turn around for fear of coming across like a pervert. 

“Just one second,”the boy answered, pulling the second of the socks up his leg, “ I'm done.” 

Sebastian turned to face the boy who was hurrying over to him. “You go first so I can make sure you don't fall.” 

“I'm not stupid, you know that right?” Ciel protested, but still lifted his leg up, and reached for the ladder with his hands, ready to climb. 

“Of course not, just a little clumsy,” Sebastian charmingly agreed. 

When he was certain that Ciel had made his way up, he got on the ladder himself, supporting his weight with one hand and closing the window with the other. It took him just about five seconds until he reached the roof where Ciel had already sat down on the small platform that was just about big enough for maybe three people to stand on. There was a tiny bench on it that Sebastian had carried here a few years ago. It was rather dark and he could barely make out the features of Ciel's face. Using the screen of his cell phone as a lamp, he searched for a candle he had stored undeneath the bench when he was still younger. When his attempt proved sucessfull, he used a match to put the candle on, setting it down on the floor with a tiny distance to him and Ciel. The flame was dancing wildly in the soft breeze. 

“I used to come here when I was younger. I always thought that no one knew of my secret hideout until one day my mum actually climbed up here when I was late for dinner. I was about ten back then,” Sebastian told the other, smiling at the thought of the good old days when he was still a kid and things had been easy. 

Still, in some way, they felt easy now too. Of course, that was as far from reality as it could get, but with the other here, things felt neither dull nor overwhelming. Everything just felt... okay. Or maybe even better than that, it was hard to say. 

“This place is really awesome, I wish I had something like that next to my room. In a way, it doesn’t matter if anyone else knows about this place or not, I don’t think your mother would climb up here and try to steal it from you,” he chuckled. “And i think it’s beautiful up here,” Ciel said, amazed by the stars in the sky as well as the street lights below them. Even though they weren't that high up, there was still this sense of being in a different level than all the others below them. Right now, this place belonged to them, and only them. 

The taller of the two sat down next to Ciel, the tiny bench making sure they weren’t that far apart. 

“So, you’re alright with this?” Asked Sebastian, already having the joint between his lips and a match ready. 

“Sure, I mean why the hell not,” Ciel casually answered. In reality, he did feel a bit scared, but there was no way he would back out when he got presented with a chance to get closer to Sebastian. Which this certainly was.

Dilated pupils took in the sight of Sebastian's features illuminated by the red fire, shadows playing with his face. If there was such a thing as a fetish for smokers, Ciel had just discovered he had it. Sebastian's eyes shut tightly for a moment as he took a drag, and he breathed in deeply, filling his lungs with smoke. A few seconds later, he breathed out, and so did Ciel, realizing that he had been breathing in synch with the raven haired male, lost in the image of his face. 

They stayed quiet as Sebastian took another drag, Ciel being somewhat of a creep and watching his every movement once more. Then, a large hand offered the stick to Ciel. His eyes searched for Sebastian's, looking for assurance, their hands brushing together.

“It's just like smoking a normal cigarette, don't worry,” he gently calmed the boy down. Ciel didn't need to be told twice, and took a drag, the unusual taste being the first thing he noticed. Still, it wasn't half bad. He took another, and started coughing slightly. 

Sebastian couldn't help but crack a smile as he eyed Ciel, the boy's eyes focused on the glowing joint in between his soft lips. 

“Are you cold?” He asked Ciel, noticing only now that his hair was still wet. 

“A bit, but it’s not that bad,” Ciel answered, but it was already too late, Sebastian had zipped his jacket open, pulling it off his body and covering Ciel in the warm black material.

“Hey, I don't want you to be cold,” Ciel countered, even though he was already aware that this battle was lost and Sebastian wouldn't take his jacket back either way.

“I'm not cold at all,” the dark haired male announced. It was his turn to take a few drags, and Sebastian was beginning to feel the familiar soothing calmness wash over him body.

“Thank you,” Ciel said sincerely, his eyes locked on the night sky. Not too may clouds were covering the stars, and what would soon be a full moon was hanging low above the horizon. The warmth surrounding him smelled like Sebastian, and Ciel sank deeper into the piece of clothing.

He was awoken from his trance when a silent chuckle filled the air. Sebastian had been holding the cigarette like thing right in front of Ciel’s eyes for a few seconds now, and the bluenette had stared straight through it, not noticing anything at all. Ciel’s blue eyes widened when he noticed that Sebastian’s entire attention was on him, and he quickly mumbled something random to calm down. 

“I think nights are sometimes prettier than days, the moon is more beautiful than the sun, too,” he rambled on about the universe for a few seconds before finally realizing that he still hadn't taken a drag yet. He took a hold of it, inhaled deeply, and repeated that twice. By now, Ciel's eyelids were feeling unnaturally heavy, and he could swear his heart was beating faster than usually. Sebastian was no better off, his dazed mind a clear result of the smoking. 

“I actually think so, too. Just because the sun is brighter and bigger, doesn't make it any more special than the moon,” he agreed, his words coming out a bit slowlier than usually. 

“Except the sun is the source of all the life on this planet here,” Ciel jokingly replied, “and there are more moons than just this one out there.”

“But, this is our moon. It literally belongs to the earth, that must count for something,” Sebastian defended the white thing lightening the sky over them as though it was a very personal matter.

“Calm down,” Ciel spoke, a breathy laugh following, “I already said that I like the moon, too.” 

“Then stop putting it down.” 

“You're weird, you know that?” 

“So are you though,” Sebastian replied, finding an awful lot of amusement in the conversation they were having though it was going nowhere. 

“You think so?” Ciel asked him, his lips opening then as he exhaled the gray smoke. “Is it weird then that I can feel the world spinning around me when I close my eyes?” 

“Don't worry, I dont think that’ll last for so long,” Sebastian attempted to calm the boy down,”you can rest your head on my shoulder if you want to. It might help” Sebastian offered, concern clear in his voice. Maybe he shouldn’t have made the other do this.

It didn't take long until the sensation of soft, slightly wet hair against his shoulder told Sebastian that the boy had accepted his offer. For a short moment, the raven's body tensed, his eyes traveling Ciel who had his eyes closed, head hanging down, using his shoulder as a pillow. Sebastian blew some more smoke out into the night, his other hand itching to touch the boy’s hair, or skin. Or both. Eventually, he took a chance and lifted his left hand up, letting his fingers comb through the soft blue locks. Ciel inhaled sharply, shooting up from his thoughts, or lack thereof, shock written all over his face. He dared not make an obvious move or stare at Sebastian, afraid that he might scare him away. But, Sebastian was touching him. He was playing with Ciel's hair, making him feel like a kitten that was being stroked. Whether it was the drug, or just his touch in general, it was enough to have the bluenette forgetting everything happening around him, and he concentrated on that and only that. 

“Your hair feels soft,” Sebastian said, fascinated once more by how well Ciel's body seemed to fit to his. The way his head rested on Sebastian’s shoulder felt completely natural to both of them in that very moment.

“So do your fingers,” Ciel replied, a chuckle leaving his lips, and he breathed out, letting the tension go and allowing his body to relax underneath the soft touches. 

“Do they now?” Sebastian wondered aloud, his heart skipping a beat when Ciel snuggled closer to him, a tiny hand taking a hold of his sleeve, hugging it loosely.

He got a mumbled,”mhh,” as an answer, “everything feels so soft, and good. I like the smell of your jacket.” 

Realizing that Ciel was clearly not all by himself anymore, a thought came to the taller boy's mind. Even if it was probably a shitty thing to do, Sebastian simply didn't trust himself enough to be sure that he’d be able to attempt this when sober. 

“Ciel?” He asked, his voice low and hoarse. He let his hand travel down to the boy's neck and then to his chin, lifting it up in his direction a tiny bit. The soft pale skin felt nice underneath his touch, inviting even. Blue lidded eyes looked at reddish brown ones confusedly for a moment, but the boy complied, even if it was simply because literally every touch from Sebastian felt so good to him right now, he might die if the other stopped giving him the much appreciated affection. He came closer to the other's face, dangerously close, even. 

“This is probably not the perfect moment with us being high and all, but could you,” Sebastian began, his eyes all over Ciel's face, taking in every tiny detail about it, “close your eyes for a moment? Just a few seconds, I want to try something.” 

All sorts of disorganized thoughts went through Ciel's head then, his heart skipping a beat. “Sure,” he said, though it sounded breathless and a bit too excited. Dark lashes collided, and Ciel closed his eyes like a good boy, just like he had been told to. 

And to be honest, Sebastian himself was beginning to seriously doubt this was a good idea. The image of Ciel's face had him mesmerized, it was almost like looking at a tiny piece of art someone placed here in the middle of the night. Just like that. 

“Very good,” Sebastian needlessly affirmed, trying to keep his breathing in control. He took a moment to wrap the jacket around the boy's body more tightly, making sure he wouldn’t be cold, then he threw the reminder of their smoking session away, and focused on Ciel’s face once more. The boy’s air was beginning to dry, his skin soft and warm to the touch, and the shadows visible on his face only made him look even more special. Features as defined as those of a doll. Ciel’s eyes naturally demanded most attention when one looked at his face, but the other features were no less beautiful. His small nose almost had the shape of a child’s still, his lips not too big and neither too small. Ciel had the habit of showing his emotions quite clearly, at least to Sebastian, on his face, and it was new, having his face completely relaxed like that, in front of Sebastian.

This was Ciel Phantomhive. The boy who had tried to kill himself barely a few days ago. The boy most of the school had seen naked. 

And Sebastian had never met a more beautiful boy, inside or outside. 

He carefully placed one hand on the back of Ciel's head, pulling him closer and earning a silent gasp from the boy in front of him. Sebastian’s heart beast faster upon hearing that sound.

When Ciel was really close, Sebastian’s face a mere few inches away from his, Sebastian silently spoke up. 

“May I kiss you?” 

Those four words alone shocked both Ciel and Sebastian as they were spoken. Ciel could hardly comprehend that this was truly happening, half convinced that it was some drug induced dream instead. Sebastian was feeling just the same way, his body on alert like hardly ever before, a mix of nervousness and excitement clear within him. And even though he had asked for permission, Sebastian didn't wait until he got it. He gently moved closer, inhaling the scent of vanilla that surrounded Ciel. Both males had their eyes closed when Sebastian's lips fell on top of Ciel's, the sensation soft and light as a feather, and Ciel felt like he could melt into a puddle right then and there, completely overwhelmed with everything that was taking place. His heart was beating like crazy and he almost felt like exploding the moment Sebastian's lips came in touch with his. 

And just a moment later, it was over. More than ready to complain or maybe just pull the other closer for a proper kiss, Ciel opened his eyes slightly, looking up at the other's and almost having a heart attack. Sebastian's wine red orbs were dark with desire, his sharp features clear in the candle light. The older of the two looked like he was staring right into his very soul, hungry and excited. And the moment those innocent blue eyes turned to face him, the male lost it. Technically, this wasn't planned at all. He had wanted to find out whether he'd actually feel the same way again if he kissed the blue haired mess named Ciel, and he now had a clear and certain answer. He had. Even more so, he was afraid that this little taste might not have been enough, because he wanted more. Sebastian tried hard to keep his breathing normal, not to show too much excitement, but his current state was not really helping with his self control. 

Especially not when Ciel gazed up at him like a goddamn angel, unaware that those eyes were driving Sebastian wild. Well, it really weren't only the eyes, but they certainly played a part in it.

 

Before either of them knew what was happening, Sebastian had leaned in once more, closing the distance between the two as though he needed the touch to survive. This time, the kiss wasn't kept as simple- he instead applied more pressure, massaging Ciel's lips with his own. The boy, in return, could only allow him to do as he pleased, far too gone to even attempt and take control over the kiss. Their lips moved slowly, but none the less excitedly. The world was spinning around him once more, but Ciel truly couldn't find it in himself to care. He weakly pulled Sebastian closer, and eagerly allowed his lips to be opened by the older male, a soft moan escaping the small boy. Ciel was barely what one could call experienced, never having gone beyond an accidental kiss so far, and there was something beautifully thrilling about it, knowing that Sebastian pretty much had complete control over him now. He was at the other’s mercy, in more ways than one, and when Sebastian's tongue forcefully entered Ciel's mouth, he was completely stunned. Not so much by the act in itself, but rather by the intent hidden within the touch. It wasn't a simple kiss one would press on anyone's lips, there was more to this. This kiss tasted like something they had both been waiting for too long now.

That thought in mind, and his heart running wild, Ciel’s tongue touched Sebastian's in return, the wet muscle soft against his own. 

Ciel heard himself moan, a variety of soft sounds escaping from the back of his throat, and so did Sebastian. Those little noises were driving him just as crazy as the way Ciel clumsily attempted to respond to his kiss, trying his best to please the older male. That thought sent a shiver down Sebastian’s spine, and he wondered what it would be like to turn the boy into a complete mess. By now, he was pretty sure that he would enjoy that more than anything. There was no reason to doubt it. He wanted him, and desperately.

He bit the younger boy’s lower lip slightly, his hand pulling the other’s legs on top of his own. A louder moan left the bluenette’s lips. 

Then, brown eyes opened.

And that was the moment he softly pulled away, but not before pressing another quick kiss to Ciel's lips, not quite ready to let go of the boy's lips so fast. Or ever. But he had to, simply because this was beginning to get out of control, and Sebastian didn't necessarily like the thought of forcing himself on the other while he was intoxicated.

Ciel's chest was rising and falling rapidly, his warm breath causing soft clouds to appear in the cold air. He looked flustered, the blush reaching almost all the way to his ears. Neither if them spoke for a moment, the weight of what had just happened slightly dulled by the haze they were both undeniably in. Almost like his world had been twisted upside down, Ciel was not sure of anything anymore. 

“Should we go back to my room? It's getting a bit.. cold up here,” Sebastian suggested, not saying a word about the kiss they had just shared, afraid that he'd only further mess things up in his current state. He'd deal with this later, he promised himself.

“Your- Your room?” Ciel asked confusedly before realizing where he was and what had just been said, “of course,” 

The slim figure then stood up, not sure at all what was going on inside his chest. The moment he was finally standing, Sebastian's jacket slid off his shoulders, the thing a few sizes too big. Sebastian, like the gentleman he was, took it from the floor and helped the younger of the two get into the jacket, then zipping him up and enjoying the sight of Ciel dressed in his clothes. There was something about the image- it satisfied a certain sense of possessiveness, maybe. 

The dark haired male blew the candle out, following Ciel as he made his way to the ladder, obviously a bit confused still. Even though Ciel had decided to play along in Sebastian's little ‘nothing at all just happened’ game, his body was telling a wholly different story. The adrenaline that had flooded his bloodstream was still messing with his body, his legs felt ready to give in and even his breathing had yet to completely return to normal again.

“Sebastian, do you think I can climb this without falling?” Ciel asked childishly, needing some assurance as he stood there on his shaky legs, facing downward.

 

“I'm pretty sure you can, you're not stupid after all, just a bit stoned.” 

A silent laugh had Sebastian looking at the boy once more, and he couldn't help but wonder how things had felt like before he had met Ciel. He could truly barely remember, but they were definitely better now that he had him here. 

“It's beautiful when you laugh,” the male said without thinking, his eyes still on the dark silhouette in front of him.

“I-uh, thanks,” Ciel awkwardly stuttered in return, already on his way down to the window. When he got there, he pushed it open with one of his feet, making sure not to lose his balance in the process. 

He reached the inside safely, waiting a few seconds until Sebastian was standing behind him. Ciel wondered if and when the other would speak about the kiss, but Sebastian remained silent about it for now. Instead, his dark brown eyes roamed the room in search for something else. 

“We're changing your bandages,” he announced, and Ciel honestly wondered if it was a good idea for them to do this now, his eyesight blurry and movements not so perfectly coordinated. 

“Are you sure you want to do this now? The bed looks so soft and I feel like I could just, you know.. Fall on it and never move a muscle again for a minimum of five years.”

But Sebastian already had the first aid supplies there, so it was probably better to just get this over with. Ciel pulled both the sleeves of the jacket and those of his pullover up, revealing the bandages like grim reminders of how close happiness and despair could sometimes be. 

“We can do this on the bed, you know that right?” Sebastian asked with a chuckle, eyeing the way Ciel's eyes lit up. He then padded over to the bed, letting himself sink down onto the mattress, mumbling about how soft it all felt against his skin.

“Tell me if it hurts,” the raven commanded softly as he began.

Sebastian didn’t seem to be thinking of anything too negative as he pulled the stained material off, putting some creme on the wounds that still looked rather fresh and shocking. He then started working on putting the many layers of cloth over the wounds once more. Ciel couldn't help but admire how well he finished his task, maling sure there was neither too much nor too little pressure. In the end, he tied two ribbons, one on each wrist, the arms now perfectly attended to. 

“Do you have anything to drink here? It feels like I’m dying from dehydration.” 

“Taking care of you really is a full time job,” Sebastian teased. He then proceeded to hand Ciel a bottle of water from beside the bed, smirking at how easy it was to brighten his mood when he wasn't entirely sober. The younger of the two practically shone as bright as the sun itself, looking like a child in a candy store.

“Thankfully you’re very good at it,” Ciel announced innocently, and then drank some of the water greedily, going so far as to spill a tiny bit on his collarbones on accident. Dark eyes followed his every movement as he dried his skin. Not wanting to give any awkward silence a chance to appear, Ciel quickly asked, “what exactly do you want to do now?” 

“We could watch a movie if you want to,” Sebastian suggested, though he doubted that either of them would be able to remain awake that long, not when both their minds were as drowsy and the bed was this comfortable.

“What kind of movie?” Ciel asked, wrapped up in his little coccon of blankets and pillows. 

“What do you want to watch?” 

Concentration was written all over Ciel's face at that, and there were a few seconds of silence. Ciel's cheeks turned a bit red, and he spoke up, clearing his throat before, “what exactly did you want to know again?” He asked, laughter leaving his lips and mixing together with the words he spoke. 

“You’re hopeless,” Sebastian sighed, though he was really only faking it. “What movie do you want to watch, that’s what I wanted to know.” 

Another second ticked by.

“What's the shittiest movie you own? Whatever it is, let's watch that and whoever falls asleep or complains first, loses. Is it a deal?” 

“Sounds lovely, and you do seem to have a thing for shady deals,” Sebastian answered, “and what exactly can you win or lose?”

“Whoever loses has to do basically whatever the other asks for for one day.” 

“You know that you’re going to lose, right?” 

“You wish,” Ciel challenged, opening his eyes a bit wider as he finally got to see what movie Sebastian had chosen. Ciel neither was a fan of vampires, nor werewolves, but what he probably disliked most of it all were love triangles. And that much be told, he knew that the movie had all three to offer. 

“I thought that might be to your liking,” Sebastian teased the younger boy once more, earning a half hearted glare in return. 

“Of course it had to be this movie of all,” Ciel muttered to himself. 

“Was that a complaint?” 

“No, it wasn't. Now start the movie, I'm just dying to watch it,” the boy replied sarcastically, regretting that he had thought this would be such a good idea minutes ago. 

It took about five minutes until the bluenette had fallen asleep, cuddled next to Sebastian, and clinging onto his arm for dear life, the vampire movie still running. Sebastian stared at the ceiling, back to the boy, and then back up. He enjoyed the warmth of the boy next to him, his steady breathing, and the way Ciel's chest raised and fell with it. No matter the complicated feelings that had been plaguing him lately, he was certain of that much at least; he wanted Ciel beside him, in his life, and close. He silently wondered how they would approach the subject tomorrow, because there was basically no way aroynd it now. Not after they had kissed, properly this time. 

Sebastian thought about what he’d make Ciel do for him also, the thought reminding him of something. He quickly picked up his phone, taking a snapshot of Ciel and himself as a proof that he had indeed been awake longer. The raven was lost in his thoughts for a little longer until Ciel wrapped his leg around the taller, effectively trapping him. And like that, Sebastian drifted off to sleep, tightly attached to the other, his mind still a bit blurry.

 


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First off, I'm soo sorry for the long wait. I keep trying to write faster but each time life gets in the way.. I'm especially sorry since all of you are being such awesome people and giving me all this nice feedback, I don't know what to say :x I'll answer each review within the next days, and I really hope that you enjoy this chapter. Also, no matter how long the wait, this is my baby and it won't be abandoned, there's still a lot waiting to happen! (:  
> Have a nice day and enjoy, hopefully.

“Just hand her the phone, Sebastian,” Claude angrily yelled into the device. 

“She's with a client right now. I'm not going to disturb their session just so you can come asking for money again. What do you need it for anyway? Drugs? Prostitutes?” Sebastian bitterly asked, his eyes narrowed. 

“That's none of your concern, little brother,” Claude remarked, sarcasm suffocating the last two words. He knew just how much Sebastian despised him, let alone the fact that they were actually related. The feeling was mutual though, and both off them were happiest when they simply weren't talking at all. How Claude could've turned out like this, Sebastian would never know. He was his half brother, having been born almost two years before him, back when his mother was married to another man. 

“I believe it is,” Sebastian spoke calmly, “and that’s why you’ll call again later if you need money that badly, goodbye.” Before an answer could have been uttered, Sebastian had hung up, dropping the phone on the couch. Conversations with Claude were never pleasant, but today the male had crossed another line. Calling at seven in the morning on the weekend in itself should be forbidden, but it was worse when Sebastian had to tear a sleepy and very much clingy Ciel off his body simply because that insistent ringing wouldn't stop. 

Sebastian headed straight back into the dark room, closed the door silently behind himself and made his way back into the bed. The bluenette was half covered in sheets, eyes tightly closed once more and the thin body twisted in a weird way.Ciel's white skin almost seemed to glow in the dark, and Sebastian found himself moving closer, inhaling the boy’s scent. Vanilla mixed with a tiny bit of smoke and something Sebastian found hard to describe. All in all, Ciel smelled wonderful to him. And just like that, pictures of what had happened on the roof yesterday came back to flood Sebastian's mind with the force of a tidal wave. To think that he had actually felt those soft, warm lips against his own just hours ago seemed almost like a dream to him. It left his stomach feeling warm, and his heart beating a tiny bit faster, though it also left him with one question. 

What was going to happen now? 

Yesterday, when he wasn't feeling all by himself, it had been rather easy to pretend like nothing at all had happened. And Ciel had even played along, not uttering as much as a simple question about Sebastian's sudden show of affection. 

Now, when facing the morning ahead, Sebastian found it a bit harder to simply ignore the matter entirely. Sure, he could always try, but something in the back of his mind told him that this wasn't how he was supposed to behave- he couldn't have taken this one huge step forward with Ciel only to move back five steps. They would have to talk about it. 

Ciel snuggled his head a bit closer to Sebastian's chest, and Sebastian absentmindedly started stroking Ciel's back, drawing simple patterns on the skin through the soft fabric of his shirt. The raven haired male thought about many different things as he softly touched the other’s body that had only one thing in common; Ciel. He thought about the day he had first seen his picture, Ciel's bloody face when he had been beaten up, about his bloody wrists, and about yesterday. Eventually, his mind drifted off to the question of where all of this would lead once more, and he couldn't lay still any longer. 

A large, pale hand made its way over to Ciel's face, gently poking the soft skin of his cheek. Sebastian's attempt at waking the boy up almost seemed to prove successful, but eventually the boy just turned away a bit, shielding his face and mumbling something that may or may not have been a collection of actual words. Sebastian couldn't help the smile that came to his lips as he watched the him. 

“I could actually get used to waking up like this,” Sebastian mumbled quietly, more to himself than anyone else. Ciel was breathing softly beside him, eyes still shut tightly. When that fact didn't seem to change for the next ten minutes, Sebastian gave up and suddenly remembered the photo he had taken yesterday evening, the proof that he had been awake longer than the other. He picked up his phone, unlocked it, and regarded the image, his lips still forming a thin smile. He was positive that the picture was the most adorable thing on earth; or much rather than the picture itself, it was Ciel, whose facial expression filled his stomach with warmth. Big eyes were shut tightly, and the lashes were so dark that they cast a shadow on his high cheekbones. Despite all the improvements they had clearly made, and Sebastian was sure that there had been more than plenty, it was in short moments like these that he was reminded of how critical Ciel's condition still was- despite the break he was experiencing at the moment. A boy's cheekbones didn't normally stand out like that. Ciel was still severely underweight and Sebastian was very much convinced that a mindset that had been formed in months, maybe years, could hardly be turned into its exact opposite within just one day. Red eyes traveled down the boy's face, eyeing his sleeping version on the picture once more, and then the real thing. 

He wondered what Ciel may or may not be dreaming about, taking note of each small frown that crossed his face, each sound of his breathing. The silent voice in the back of his head yelling at him that he was being a creep was ignored in favor of reaching out softly once more, though Sebastian really had no idea what he was doing, or why he had suddenly started having these random urges to touch Ciel. And he wasn't anywhere close to being sure he consciously wanted it, or whether those were just random urges. Though he would like to believe the opposite, Sebastian was quite aware that the body sometimes wanted things unreasonably, and without being so sure they would have a positive effect on one’s life. He could practically feel his heart as it manipulated his head into coming up with all sorts of ideas to the question of where things were going with Ciel. Or where they could be headed, maybe. 

 

Another frown came to Ciel's face, his skin forming smalll wrinkles between his eyebrows and on his forehead as his lips pressed into a thin line. Sebastian's gaze was fixed in those pink lips that contrasted so perfectly with Ciel's complexion, and a thought overcame him. 

Keeping the balance between feelings and rationality had truly not been a big problem at most points in his life, Sebastian mused. Now, however, was one of the times when everything seemed a little off.

His heart beating fast, and with his hair falling down to frame his face, Sebastian leaned forward, carefully letting one hand come to rest on Ciel's chest and the other beside the pale body. As his weight shifted, the mattress sunk down a little, making Ciel roll a bit to the side, his lips now open the tiniest bit. 

“Wake up,” Sebastian silently commanded once more, giving the boy a last chance to wake up on his own before Sebastian had to take more drastic measures. When there was still little to no movement, a pair of lips sunk onto another, and Sebastian's warm mouth met Ciel's slightly colder one. One large hand found itself holding onto the back of Ciel's head, pushing his light body forward ever so slightly in order to really feel the pressure of the kiss, while another softly peeled a tiny bit of the blanket off his body.

Before he knew what was going on, blue eyes shot open, the pupils wide and the eyes teary- he saw himself in the reflection for a brief moment, until he was violently shoved off Ciel’s body. Tiny fists were punching into his chest and bis upper arms relentlessly, and though Ciel wasn't exactly what could be called the embodiment of strength concerning his physical condition, it would be a lie to say that the punches didn't sting. Whether it was an actual physical pain or the dull ache of a rejection so obvious, Sebastian truly couldn't tell. It took him a moment to take a step outside the walls that his very own emotions had build around him, to ignore his own pain for now and focus on Ciel instead, but he managed. 

And as things stood, Ciel was by far more distressed than Sebastian. His chest fell and rose rapidly, like a time bomb waiting to go off. Blue eyes were by now tightly shut, hands sunken into the mess of blue hair. “Don’t you dare touch me,” his venomous voice cut though the silence that seemed to fill the room and have both the males on the edge of suffocating inside it. Halfway though the sentence though, the sharp tone had begun to sound more like something of a desperate nature- a plea, almost. Ciel had sounded downright afraid.

“I'm sorry, I shouldn't have,” Sebastian spoke hurriedly, “I shouldn't have touched you like that.” 

Though, he didn't quite get an answer. No words left Ciel’s mouth and he instead rose his knees higher to his chest, hugging himself quietly, his body shaking in a way that Sebastian was sure wasn't normal. Neither did it look healthy. Maybe he was getting a fever?

“Are you alright?” 

Another silence followed, leaving the taller of the two at a loss of what what happening and what he could, and should, do. Until he noticed the jerky movements of Ciel's hands weren't just a simple shaking- nails were digging into skin dangerously close to where the white bandages were located.

“Are you scratching your arm open?” Of course, he didn't receive an answer, and that was when Sebastian knew he needed to do something, no matter if Ciel liked it or not, because there was definitely something more than just a bit off about the bluenette’s behavior.

“Ciel, please don't freak out again,” he begged silently as his larger hands wrapped themselves around smaller ones. A sharp intake of breath could be hears as he touched Ciel's skin that was unexpectedly cold. Surprisingly, there was no fight waiting for him here, Ciel let his hands be caught as though it was the most logical thing that could have happened. The closed eyes that had fluttered shut minutes ago were opened just minutes later, only this time, they didn’t look as though they were staring quite so far away anymore. 

“Sebastian?” Ciel dared to ask, eyeing the way his hands were being held. This could have easily been a lovely surprise, had it not been for the rapid beating of his heart and the dizzy feeling in his head. From his posture, Ciel could tell that he had definitely not been sleeping anymore for the last few minutes, though he could swear he had just experienced one of his most realistic nightmares in a long while up until just a few seconds ago. He filled his lungs with a deep breath, his eyes meeting Sebastian’s hesitantly. “What just happened?” 

“To be honest, I don’t really know,” Sebastian admitted quietly. “Maybe a panic attack? Or maybe I woke you up too fast,” he suggested, eyebrows furrowed and tiny wrinkles appearing on his flawless white skin as Sebastian remembered how boldly he had in fact tried to wake Ciel up. Almost as though he was staring into a mirror, Ciel's worried expression matched his own. He shouldn't have pressed his lips on Ciel's like that, and seeing his reaction, he was almost ashamed to admit it to himself. Without planning to, he had hurt Ciel. It felt like having touched a precious glass of wine with dirty fingers. 

“It’s probably my fault.” 

“You’re not to blame for my messed up mind, you know?”Ciel replied with a tiny laugh.

“I didn't think things through, and I came too close to you, of course you'd be surprised. I'm sorry about it, I'm not used to waking people up.”

Ciel suspiciously gazed at Sebastian at the mention of touching him, blue eyes opening a bit wider at the words. “I'm not some small animal that flees when you try to touch it, why should you think waking me up through? I shouldn't panic that easily, that's why I'm sorry.” 

“Stop apologizing,” Sebastian said, sending a half hearted glare Ciel's way. 

“Only if you stop, you didn't do anything wrong,” the smaller defended himself, his arms crossed and eyes narrowed.

“I kissed you,” Sebastian blurted out, the sense of guilt he was feeling making him a bit more honest than he had planned to be. Crimson orbs searched for blue ones, and Sebastian took note of the way Ciel's cheeks reddened and his gaze traveled downwards. “Yeah, about that,” Ciel began, his hand coming up to fumble with some locks of his hair, betraying his nervousness on the matter, “I mean, why kiss me? It’s just.. It really was a surprise I guess.”

Only now realizing what kind of talk he had gotten himself info, Sebastian thought things through once more, attempting to sort out the mess of thoughts that plagued his brain. Why had he really done it? Just because he wanted to prove something to himself? Because he had wanted to get over those thoughts that had been appearing whenever he had looked at Ciel? Then, why hadn’t he stopped himself just minutes ago when the pale beauty beside him was still asleep and he had already gotten what he had wanted last night? Because that miss had been the kind of proof he had initially been looking for. 

Ciel eyed the way Sebastian swallowed, unable to take his eyes off his throat for a few seconds. Had he said the wrong thing? What if there had been the tiniest chance for Sebastian to feel anything for him and he just had to mess up by claiming that receiving a kiss from him had been ‘a surprise’? Who even said that if it wasn't supposed to be a rejection?

“You want me to explain to you why people kiss others?” Sebastian asked, attempting his best to make the conversation a little less awkward for himself and all the more embarrassing for the boy beside him. His plan worked out just nicely, Ciel's pale hands came to cover his face, entangling with his hair. He groaned softly, attempting to cover up the blush on his cheeks with fake annoyance which didn't quite work out so nicely. 

“No, are you stupid? I don't want to know why ‘people kiss people', I want to know why you kissed me, is that so hard to understand?” He muttered through his hands, blue eyes closed and only opening to gaze over when his statement had left his lips, the boy’s breath a bit shaky. 

“Was it that bad?” Sebastian asked, catching Ciel off guard with the way his eyebrows were raised and those wine red eyes were a bit wider than usually.

“That’s beside the point, stop messing with me,” Ciel fired back, obviously irritated by now. 

“But I like messing with you.” There was a genuine smile on Sebastian's lips as he spoke and Ciel could swear he saw actual affection written all over his face. Why in the world did Sebastian have to toy with him like that? Why did he have to look so smug when playing a game of evading answers to the actual question with Ciel? 

“Yeah I noticed, and I just love being toyed with, you know?” asked Ciel, his voice dripping with sarcasm, and he could barely keep the bitterness out of the statement. He really had been used for others’ entertainment or pleasure quite a few times so far, was it really that much to ask for knowing where he stood with Sebastian now? Or was the raven just as clueless as him? Maybe Ciel was reading way too much into this and it was a normal thing for Sebastian to do, kissing people out of nowhere.

As though it was a special ability of his, Sebastian instantly picked up on the change in Ciel's tone, and held himself back from teasing the younger any further about the whole thing. His demeanor changed into a more serious one and when his gaze met Ciel's, the boy once again felt that strange calmness wash over him. Sebastian wasn't like the others, he wouldn't simply disappear one day, leaving the wreck that Ciel undoubtedly was behind. That's what he hoped at least when he looked into those deep red eyes.

“You know that I don't mean it that way, don't you? I probably shouldn't have done that, I don't want to end up hurting you in any way,” each word that left Sebastian's lips sounded like it was carefully thought through, “I'm really just not sure myself why I kissed you.” 

“That's a shitty explanation,” Ciel complained, though he couldn't help the small smile that came to his lips as he thought about what this might mean- though he tried his best to keep his mind from running too wild. I don't know could mean pretty much anything after all, and it would only make him seem more desparate if he kept questioning every little thing Sebastian said so long until he was truly satisfied with the answer. That's why he chose to focus on the other part of what he had said instead. “And once again for the record, I'm not that easily hurt, I won't break when you touch me roughly or-” Ciel stopped himself right there, realizing halfway through the sentence that this might have sounded a tiny bit more suggestive that he had imagined, and he covered the awkward silence up with a tiny cough. Sebastian watched in amusement how Ciel nervously fidgeted with his fingers, though he could hardly deny what this had just sounded like, and it left him wondering how innocent Ciel truly was. There was something so very pure and childish about this boy, and yet, it was a stained kind of innocence. Ciel was soft but with sharp edges, and it made him all the more alluring to Sebastian.

 “-or kiss me,” the bluenette bravely continued, dead set on adding that part for the sake of assuring Sebastian that Ciel really didn't quite mind being kissed. By him, that is.

 

“That's what they all say, and then they fall in love with me,” Sebastian joked silently, smirking at Ciel as he spoke. Honestly, maybe Sebastian wouldn't find it that bad for Ciel to fall in love with him. 

Like a wave of red crashing over his face, a blush crawled on his cheeks, and the thin boy crossed his arms. “You're too full of yourself, it's unbelievable. Have you really broken a lot of hearts?” The question sounded more like genuine curiosity to him, and Sebastian had to think things through. There really had been quite a few girls that had liked him so far, though none of that had ever been anything serious as far as he could remember. To him, at least. Yet, wasn't that pretty much the worst way to break someone's heart, without even acknowledging their pain? 

“Maybe a few, I'm not sure,” he shrugged, and moved a bit closer to Ciel, whispering into his ear, “scared you could be my next victim?” As he pulled away, he enjoyed the stiffness in Ciel's posture that lasted for another few seconds before he broke out of his daze. 

“Oh please, first off I'm not a girl, I don't fall in love just because of a kiss, and secondly, you would never be able to break my heart. Because it's mine, and I'm not handing that rotten thing to anyone, so don't worry,” he laughed softly, acting like the sudden closeness seconds ago hadn't affected him at all. Acting like he wasn't on the edge of despair because he was more than willing to throw his heart right into Sebastian's hands. His warm hands that Ciel wanted to feel on his body. 

That's when an idea struck him, and the boy leaned forward a tiny bit, supporting his weight on his thin arms. Ciel's pullover was hanging loosely down his body, his legs partially exposed, the white skin a nice contrast to his dark overknees, and Sebastian couldn't help but stare at the boys body for a second or two, no matter how wrong that was. Yes, Ciel was undeniably underweight, he had just had a panic attack literally minutes ago, and his hair was completely messed up from sleeping, but somehow, none of that really mattered much. Somehow, Sebastian was sure that all those things, be it his problems or his messy hair, weren't things that made the boy who be was, those were simply things he had to deal with due to circumstances. A person's true beauty was could never be reduced to only that, because it was something more consistent than that. 

As cheesy as it sounded, if was as if Sebastian craved Ciel's very being, his soul, the components of which it was made- no one else could compare to that, this much was sure. 

Especially when Ciel leaned in, his soft, slightly breathless voice murmuring a few words that Sebastian could barely process in time.”Want me to prove it?”

Before either of the two really knew what was going on, their lips were on top of each other again. Ciel had hastily moved forward, his thin legs strangling Sebastian's, and his body pressed flat against the older male's, one hand tangled up in the mess of dark hair. It felt soft beneath Ciel's fingers, just like the world seemed to fade into soft, blurry images around the two of them. Sebastian had his eyes wide open, and Ciel's were closed tightly as he pressed his mouth on top of the other's with more force than the he would have ever expected from him. After a moment of shock, Sebastian finally found it within himself to actually participate, his large hands taking a hold of Ciel's back, just above his ass, and roughly pulling him closer like it was no one's business. He forced Ciel’s mouth open, eliciting a low moan from the back of the bluenette’s throat. The sound was so sweet to his ears that Sebastian could hardly keep himself from biting the boy's lower lip, though it wasn't hard enough to draw blood. 

Just then, Ciel felt a wave of pleasure rush through his body, his mind going hazy as Sebastian's tongue invaded his mouth. His nails were digging into the other’s back, and the only thing separating them now was a thin layer of clothing. How things had heated up this fast, Ciel wasn't sure, but he truly didn't mind the way their tongues desperately attacked each other, fighting for dominance and discovering each other’s mouth. Not quite consciously, Ciel started grinding his hips against the ravens, his body moving on its own as the kiss deepened, and suddenly breathing didn't come as easily anymore. His shorts were pushed up, barely covering his legs, and Sebastian let his hands discover the boy's smooth skin like it was the most natural thing for him to do. 

And then, there was a knock on the door. 

It took the two about five seconds until they sat beside each other, Ciel's face red as a tomato and both of them trying their hardest to cover up their uneven breathing. Both their chests were rising and falling in synch as Sebastian's mother entered the room, a bright smile on her lips. 

“Good morning you two,” she greeted them cheerily, looking slightly confused for a moment as she eyed her son and the boy beside him, then her expression went back to normal. “I just went grocery shopping, I thought we could all have breakfast together if that's alright with you two?”

 

“Sure, I'm fine with that,” Sebastian announced, abruptly standing up and heading for the door to his bathroom, “I’ll just take a quick shower.”

Ciel was still sitting on the bed, watching the other disappear into the bathroom. A hand absentmindedly came up to touch his lips where Sebastian's taste still lingered. He could barely tell whether or not this had actually happened if it wasn't for that, along with the slightly bruised feeling on his lips. Only when a chuckle filled the room did the boy notice that Sebastian's mother was still inside the room. The woman was leaning against the wall, a smirk on her lips as she regarded the boy who had been hopelessly staring at a close door for about twenty seconds. From the loom on her face, Ciel could barely tell how much she did, or didn't, know about what had happened behind closed doors, and he only prayed to god that she hadn't heard anything. Not that she would be against it, but he wasn't particularly fond of the thought that someone might have listened in on his very first real makeout session. 

“Will you be joining, too?” She asked, and though Ciel's stomach was more than full with butterflies, or maybe airplanes, he couldn't bring himself to refuse. Besides, he knew very well that, even if no one forced him to do anything, both Sebastian and his mother kept a very strict eye on his eating habits, along with his general behavior. And to be honest, the bluenette prided himself in the fact that he had managed things quite well so far, and the changes had been very sudden also. Maybe he wasn't as much of a train wreck anymore, more like a small accident with few casualties. 

“Of course,” he spoke, and he could hardly fight off the smile that came to his lips. No matter the teasing nature of his conversation with Sebastian earlier, he could barely contain the joy of having finally been given a reason to hope that Sebastian actually, truthfully, could have deeper feelings for him. The thought had Ciel wanting to scream and never speak a word again at the same time- he wanted time to stop, and to keep things just as they were now. For once, life hadn’t decided to fuck him over. So far. 

Sebastian’s mother raised a brow at the content look on the usually frowning face, and she waited patiently until Ciel had made his way over to her, following her into the kitchen quietly. 

“You had a nice morning?” She asked when the good vibes surrounding him became too much to bear in silence. 

“Yes, one of the best in a long while,” Ciel answered truthfully, having already forgotten about the nightmare he had been having, golden eyes and a deep voice haunting him once more. He hadn't felt as refreshed in a long while. 

“I'm glad to hear that, Ciel,” the woman spoke with a smile, not questioning him any further for which he was glad. That must be another thing that came with working in that field, Ciel mused.  Of course she needed to be able to tell where someone’s comfort zone began and ended. 

 

“What are we making?” Ciel opted to ask, changing the subject not too subtly. 

“I thought, maybe pancakes would be a good idea?” She suggested, taking note of the short moment in which a displeased expression appeared on Ciel's face, “though you don't need to worry, I’m not in the habit of making unhealthy food, especially breakfast. I have my very own special recipe, there's a lot of apples in there.” 

“Thank you.” Ciel didn't quite feel the need to explain it any further, he was sure the woman was aware of the horror that something as tasty and as unhealthy as regular pancakes could be to someone with eating problems. “For everything you're doing, I really don't know how to even begin to pay you back.” 

“Ciel, you don't need to pay anything back,” she chided him with a smile, handing the boy three apples. “Though, I would appreciate it if you could cut those for me.” 

Blue eyes looked down on the fruits and he nodded, beginning to cut them into tiny pieces. 

“You know, I think you don't realize that your presence here itself is essentially a repayment for both me and Sebastian. Whether you believe it or not, you brought quite a bit more life in here when you came.” 

“I, uh, thanks a lot,” the boy stuttered as he heard those words, the fact that Sebastian, his hair wet and his clothes perfectly suiting him, had just entered the room not helping much. 

“Pancakes?” Sebastian asked, looking more than happy with his discovery. 

Both Ciel and his mother nodded, and blue eyes locked with red ones, all sorts of unspoken words being exchanged within just two or three seconds before Ciel concentrated on his task once more. 

“Can I do anything to help?” Sebastian asked , leaning against the fridge and twisting another deep red apple around in his hands. 

“Not really for now,” his mother answered as she was mixing all sorts of things together. 

The three stood there in comfortable silence, two doing their job and Sebastian busying himself with watching the way Ciel's expression turned into one of pure concentration as he tried to cut the most perfect pieces of apple that humanity had ever seen. 

“Oh, mom, I almost forgot,” the raven then began, “Claude called again, he said something about needing money,” he finished, his voice growing a bit bitter. 

A loud gasp filled the room a second later, and Sebastian turned to see that Ciel had cut his finger. Not too deeply, though the wound was still bleeding a bit.

“You hurt yourself,” he spoke, eyes wide. Within seconds, he was by Ciel's side, studying his wound before his mother could even attempt to. Ciel didn't really seem to reply to that, however, the only thing he said was a single word, blue eyes wide open and slightly glassy. Sebastian didn't truly understand what was going on as the other muttered that one word.

“Claude?”

 


	14. Rainfall

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry to have kept everyone waiting. There's nothing much to say other than that I've been kind of a mess lately and then there was writer's block and all sorts of drama.. But here it is, the next chapter. (:   
> I'll actually start working on replying to comments and I'll do my best to update soon, thank you to everyone who likes/ cares about this story, even if I'm terrible at updating regularly, it means so very much to me!   
> Enjoy reading and sorry if there are any mistakes! c:

As if to mock Ciel specifically, that very moment the sun broke through the surface of clouds outside, and the whole kitchen was illuminated in soft, warm morning light. Despite the peaceful atomsphere, Ciel was anything but relaxed or calm. In fact, it had been some time since he had felt as internally frozen over as he did now. “Claude's my brother. Half brother actually. You know him?”

“You could say that, yeah.” 

Sebastian frowned at the look on Ciel's face. Even though the boy was trying hard not to let it show, the raven haired male could easily tell that something was off. Knowing Claude, Sebastian wouldn't be surprised if the other had actually harrassed Ciel in one way or another. His brother and his group of idiots didn't do much else than get on people's nerves as far as he knew. 

Sebastian eyed the tiny cut on Ciel's finger before getting a band aid in record time and wrapping it around his finger. The smaller just sat there, unmoving. He muttered a quiet thank you.

“Claude's an asshole,” Sebastian then stated firmly, half to himself, half to Ciel. The younger of the two chose not to answer, letting his eyes sink instead.

“You know I cannot really approve of you saying these kinds of things about him,” Sebastian’s mother spoke, her eyes finding Sebastian’s as she mixed all the ingredients together and poured some of the mixture inside a pan. 

“It’s true though,” Sebastian weakly defended himself, eyes on Ciel who still wasn't looking at him. 

For the next few minutes, no words were exchanged. Eventually, as his mother was almost finished with the first pancake, Sebastian got some plates and knives, placing them neatly on the table. Ciel had by now started staring off into space, barely having noticed that food was ready.

“You okay?” 

It took a few seconds until the bluenette registered that he was being addressed, too lost in his thoughts for his own good. 

“Oh, me? I'm fine,” he hurriedly spoke, convincing neither himself nor Sebastian. The latter decided to let it drop for now, though he'd talk, or try to talk to Ciel later when they would be alone. 

“Are you nervous about school?” The woman asked Ciel then, placing a pancake on his plate and urging him to sit down. 

“School?”

“Tomorrow,” she said with a grin, doing her best to make it seem like it wasn't such a bad thing. Which it really wasn't, the boy needed to go to school after all. At least now that he was in a safe environment, Sebastian's mother wanted him to try. 

“What?” He choked the word out silently, his wide eyes revealing just how much he didn't like the fact that had just been presented to him. 

“Ciel, it's.. I don't want to put too much pressure on you, but this is the perfect chance for you to get back into the habit of going there. You have Sebastian with you now, after all,” the woman spoke with a soft sigh, fully aware of just how threatening this may seem to Ciel. “You can do this,” she added, a smile appearing on her face.

“I'm pretty sure tomorrow's too early. I don't have anything here- no backpack or books or anything, also it'll only mean stress for Sebastian and I really, really don't want that,” his words became less and less easy to understand with how fast he was talking, nerves clearly showing even though he was trying his best to act unimpressed. But really, he wasn't. School meant trouble. School meant tons of potentially dangerous situations not only concerning his health but also something much more important. 

Whatever it was that was starting to happen between him and Sebastian was at risk if he went to school, and the boy knew it. 

A pale, boney hand clenched into a fist and Ciel concentrated hard on his breathing. Deep breath in, soft breath out. Just one wrong move at school and it all could turn around again to leave him with the shattered pieces of a life that used to tear his skin open and let him bleed out, vulnerable and weak as he was. 

All it would take was for someone to say the wrong words, for Claude to once more decide to toy with him, for anyone really to tell Sebastian about his reputation. What in the world would he do then? When the one person that still had the capability to view Ciel as a normal human being, the only person who hadn't seen his body yet, would decide to dump him? 

Dramatic as it may sound, but Ciel knew there would not be a way out of that one if this was the case. He'd sink right back to where he came from and probably fall just a little farther with a harsh landing- it would be his end, no doubt about it. 

That's why it couldn't happen.

He barely even noticed that Sebastian’s mother was talking, and as caught up as he was inside his own thoughts, her words didn't really strike him as real- nothing really made sense. He took a few seconds to calm down, breathing in once more, telling himself that everything was going to be alright, and breathing out. It wasn't working so entirely well, but at least he regained his grip on reality to some extent. ‘Those are really just thoughts, and probably none of it will happen either way,’ he reaffirmed. 

“Sorry, I'm feeling a bit lightheaded, what did you just say?” Ciel addressed Sebastian's mother, feeling two pairs of eyes glued to himself. 

“Then sit down please,” she said, and Sebastian handed Ciel a glass of water when he was finally sitting. After he had sipped on it, they picked up where they had stopped.

“I was saying that we have everything ready for you, I even called school and asked them to make sure you won’t have to take part in tests or anything for now, you’ve been missing out on quite a bit after all.” 

“But what’s the point if I cannot even take part in that? What will I do there all day?” Ciel knew he was getting defensive but he was allowed to be- school had been hell for him for the longest time now. 

“Sweetie, don't stress yourself for now. The whole point is that you go there and learn to become a bit more comfortable once more. You can go home anytime you want to if it's too much. You're way more important than your grades or anything, and to a huge part this is about meeting people.” 

“I hate those people,” he muttered an answer, but quickly caught himself. “But I'll do it. It's the least I can do, I can try.” 

“I'm so glad to hear that!” The woman cheered enthusiastically, “and I know you can do it, you're stronger than you give yourself credit for.” 

When he heard those words, Ciel automatically reminded himself of all the times he hadn't been strong at all- in fact, he couldn't remember a single time he had felt strong. Even now, he would only go to school because he felt like it was his obligation, he didn’t want to fight about it at all. But he really wasn’t looking for a challenge either. To be honest he would simply love to stay in bed with Sebastian forever, never facing the cold reality of this world. 

“You're probably right,” he spoke softly, showing a rather fake smile to make things more believable. 

He received a smile in response and then, the first pancake was ready. Ciel stared at his plate as the food was placed on top of it, and he couldn't deny that all the anxiety wasn't exactly making him want to eat. In fact, if he didn't know that he was being stared at, he would have probably thrown the food away, not even wanting to smell it. Sebastian had sat down beside him, already being handed his plate as he watched Ciel fumble around with his fork, twisting it in his food and picking out tiny pieces of apple. 

When the last plate was placed on the desk beside the two, a loud ringing noise of the telephone started. Half tempted to simply let it ring, neither of them got up at first, but when it simply wouldn't stop, Sebastian's mother told the two to eat while it was still warm and headed outside the room, muttering a ‘why does everyone always call when I want to eat?’

With each step of distance between the woman and them, Ciel could basically feel the stare that was being sent his way hardening. He didn't even need to look at Sebastian to know. 

“What's up with you?” the latter spoke softly, the annoyance he wanted to show not able to suffocate the care in his words. 

“I'm fine, forgive me if I might have to get used to eating pancakes first thing in the morning,” he whispered sharply in a defensive sort of voice. He tried not to fumble around with his hair or bite his lip, not wanting to give away just how nervous he really was. 

“You really didn't have any breakfast at all for all this time?” Sebastian asked softly, and Ciel's eyes widened when the raven didn't really react at all to his bitter tone. He had been prepared for a discussion, even a fight, if it meant that he didn't have to tell the story of his past with Claude for now. But a he got instead were soft wine red eyes and genuine interest. 

To put it simple, he wasn't entirely sure how to react to that.

“I- I never really had any. I drank water and sometimes coffe if there was any- or tea,” he explained with a slight stutter in his voice. “What's your favorite breakfast?” Ciel then nervously added, praying to the universe that it wasn't too clear that there was something wrong. On top of that, his uncertain voice had him feeling like a schoolgirl, which in turn made the embarrassment worse. 

If Sebastian did notice - or already had from the beginning, he didn't show it. He simply seemed amused at the way Ciel tumbled over his words, all red cheeks and sweaty palms. “I don't think I really have a favorite breakfast,” Sebastian chuckled, “and if I had one it would surely be something you can actually eat and not a drink. It's somewhat crazy to think that you used to survive on basically nothing.” He eyed Ciel thoughtfully before picking up a piece of the food and guiding it towards his mouth.

“Nevertheless, that's not happening anymore, and if I need to teach you to eat, then so be it. I've fed countless kittens and I'm sure you're easier to handle than them,” he grinned and shoved the food against Ciel's lips, only to break out in laughter when Ciel's cheeks turned redder, if possible, and he moved away only to speak with a smile tugging at his lips, “you are such an idiot, it's not even funny.” 

“Yeah but you love it.” 

“I tolerate it, there's a huge difference.”

“Stop talking and eat, it’s getting cold,” Sebastian threatened, moving closer to Ciel's mouth once more and eyeing his lips hungrily. Ciel swallowed, his eyes finding the other's. With a somewhat sarcastic tone, the younger teenager began complaining, “you know this is actually quite insensitive of you, it's not like the actual process of eating is my-” he was interrupted when Sebastian used the boy's parted lips to his advantage, determined to make sure Ciel would eat at least a bit. 

Despite the glare that met him, it seemed to work out and the smaller of the two chewed the food slowly. “Tastes good?” The dark haired male asked with a smile that was just a tiny bit too bright. 

“Would've tasted better if it hadn't been shoved into my mouth like this,” was the answer he received, slim arms crossed in front of Ciel's chest. Sebastian was honestly quite aware that there was something up with him, but he had decided not to dwell on that for now. With school tomorrow and all, the only goal he had in mind was to make sure Ciel wouldn't be too stressed; after all it would do no good for either of them if he were to have a breakdown in school tomorrow, it would only fuel his sense of dread. It was about time they started focusing on the solution instead of the problems. 

“Well then I hereby allow you to eat without my help.”

Ciel gladly did just that, finding the thought of eating somewhat less dreadful now, though it did feel like a double-edged sword. The more he allowed Sebastian to have any sort of influence on him, the more it felt like craning his neck in front of a hungry wolf. However, if death happened to come in the form of the male sitting across him, then maybe he truly wouldn't mind. Besides, the pancake really did taste good. Red eyes studied him and the way he slowly ate his breakfast, bit by bit.

“Stop grinning at me like that,” the object of Sebastian’s interest snapped after a while. 

“You're cute when you eat, I don't think I've ever seen someone eat with such concentration.”

Ciel lightly punched him in the arm, wincing when he realized that this probably hurt himself more than the other who barely seemed to take notice except for the slight curl on his lips. The boy was clearly pouting, his face red as he muttered a silent, “stop analyzing me.” Sebastian feigned a hurt and shocked expression in return, voicing an equally silent, “never.”

With the two of them eating and Sebastian's mother still who knows where (she had the habit of walking through the house or garden while talking on the phone), a comfortable silence settled over them so long until Sebastian broke it. 

“So, what do you say? Want to go somewhere today? The weather’s quite beautiful so we could like, go out for a walk or something?” He asked, chewing the remains of his food while Ciel was still only halfway through. 

Ciel was about to ask whether or not this was supposed to be a date when he stopped himself, remembering what had happened this morning. He had made a promise not to get his heart broken, and that certainly wasn't going to change so easily.He couldn't run around calling everything they did a date and every moment their gazes met special- or else he was doing nothing other than setting himself up for pain. 

“A walk,” he stopped, “Sounds good, do you want to go anywhere in particular?” 

Sebastian grinned, “Actually, yes, I do.” 

..

An hour later, two male figures clad in almost all black were making their way through the forest, dried leaves crunching underneath their feet. 

“Will you tell me now?” 

“I'm not saying anything,” Sebastian replied smugly. If Ciel didn't know any better, he would say that the other enjoyed this, withholding information from him. Or, to put it into a bit more of a positive sense- Sebastian wanted to surprise him with whatever location it was that seemed to be so very special. And the way things stood, this plan was working out just fine. Ciel didn't have a clue where ever he was being dragged to now, all he knew was that they had been walking for about half an hour now, and that all his drawing utensils were inside the backpack the larger of the two was carrying. On the other shoulder, Sebastian carried his old acoustic guitar, the bag hanging down lifelessly. 

So if it was a place worth drawing, as Sebastian had insisted on, then it couldn't be too bad. 

“You're never telling me anything. At least give me a clue,” the boy demanded, pushing some of his hair off his forehead in an attempt to cool himself down just a little bit. 

“We're almost there. Also, I'm bad with clues,” the raven began, “which reminds me.. how exactly do you know Claude? You had that look on your face earlier when we were talking about him.” 

“What look?” Blue eyes were like mirrors. Sebastian had no way of seeing past his own reflection in them. 

“If I had to find a name, I'd probably call it something along the lines of ‘melodramatically lost and also sort of annoyed,” Sebastian said with a straight face and earned a slap to his arm in return. 

“I should have never told you not to be too nice to me, should I?” Asked the teenager with a grin before falling back into his somewhat more serious mood, “and to answer your question, I met him because of my former best friend Alois. He's a friend of his but I really do not see why anyone would like to spend time with Claude. sorry to say this, buy your brother is a dick.”

“Half brother,” the statement was corrected. “And you're one hundred percent right. There's really nothing much else to say about him.” 

Luckily, Sebastian had bought Ciel's sorry excuse of an explanation like it actually was the truth. But really, it wasn't. It was a part truth maybe, but things had been so much more complicated than that, Ciel didn't even want to remember it all, lest he'd have to think about it all again. 

One thing was certain though. Claude was definitely the reason why Ciel had ended up like this. Messed up, confused, scared that any peace he experienced might shatter.  

Claude had definitely played a huge role in that. 

For a moment, Sebastian's eyes lingered on Ciel's body. 

Just when the boy was about to comment on the staring, he heard Sebastian's voice, “We're almost here, follow me.” The demand caught Ciel off guard, just a second later, his hand was grabbed by a larger one, and the two were climbing up a path so small, it could have easily been overlooked. 

By the time they reached the end of the path, which Ciel had expected to arrive sooner, the two were breathing hard. “I sure hope the place is worth that effort,” Ciel complained, only to be stunned into silence a second later. 

“We're here.” 

Before them, there lay a huge valley, a cliff right in front of them. To their right, there were Larve and smaller stones lined up, water silently flowing through them. All sorts of flower grew there as well, though the predominant colors were blue, white and yellow. Add all of that to the fact that you could probably see half the forest surrounding the town, and Ciel could find only one word to describe it all, “It's breathtaking.”

Their eyes met, and Ciel had to forcibly keep himself away from Sebastian's body even though all he wanted to do was press their lips together and never even separate to breathe anymore. But there was no way he could simply do that. At least not when he wasn't even sure where exactly they stood with each other. Really, what had happened so far could be taken seriously so easlily, but it could also mean the complete opposite. The scary part was the thought that all of it could be wishful thinking on Ciel's part. Or was he being to doubtful? 

Ciel told himself to breathe evenly, in and out. And in again. Then, he spoke, “I really like it,” before pausing, “ is there a special back story to this place as well?” 

Sebastian chuckled at that, recalling the evening he had told Ciel about his childhood hideout. 

“Not exactly. In fact, I just happened to stumble across this place one day.” 

Ciel nodded, and have Sebastian a grin. 

“Can I draw you along with the background? It's a thank you present for showing me all sorts of cool things,” he explained, cheeks red because his mouth had been faster than his head. The idea had been the definition of spontaneous. 

If Sebastian minded, he sure didn't show it. Instead the raven lightly said, “if you want to,” and sat down on one of the taller pieces of grey and green surrounded by clear water. He handed Ciel the backpack, watching him eagerly getting out his paper and a few different pencils. Then, the blue haired boy sat comfortably down and a small sigh left his lips. Sebastian himself got his guitar out, tuning it with quite a bit of effort. He hadn't played in a while and his hearing wasn't used to the subtle differences between the notes anymore. Nevertheless, he started playing, creating his own rhythms and attempting to remember some parts of actual songs he had once learned. 

They spend more than an hour like that, the music the only sound except for the voices of some birds and the chirping of whatever insects hid in the forest.

 

And then, without either of them having noticed the clouds that had come to the sky, a low thunder rolled through the valley. 

Sebastian looked Ciel over. “Don't tell me you're scared of thunderstorms,” he half asked. 

Ciel, who was throwing his drawing and all inside the backpack, tried not to meet his eyes. “I actually do dislike them, as any sane human would. They're loud, and scary, literally the only good thing about them is the smell in the air afterwards,” he defended his point of view, standing up and looking more than a tiny bit stressed. 

The first drops of water came falling down them, one hitting the tip of Ciel's nose. 

“Hurry, please. I want to go home,” he whined, clearly nervous. 

Sebastian, despite it all, had a grin on his face. Was it wrong that he found even some of Ciel's fears adorable? He threw the bag over his shoulder, climbing over to Ciel. He reached out for him, grabbing the hand which was slightly cooler than his own. “Come on then.” 

Even though Sebastian pretended not to notice, he saw Ciel's gaze that remained on their intertwined hands before he pulled him along. The raindrops were getting bigger, the frequency in which they fell increasing as well. Before Ciel could pull his hood over his hair, Sebastian had already done it. In addition, he had pulled Ciel a little closer, warming him up a bit. 

“I'm sorry it turned out like this,” Sebastian apologized, and Ciel it took Ciel another few seconds until he snapped out of his 'he's touching me' haze. 

“It's not your fault,” Ciel assured, “and besides, I don't mind. I liked it.” 

Right then, the darkened sky lit up,and Ciel's response was to dig his nails into Sebastian's arms, shaky on his knees. Then, his cheeks heated up, and he muttered an, “I'm sorry.” Somehow, it felt like he needed to apologize for many more things than that. 

Sebastian, quicker than Ciel could even notice, pressed his lips to his cheek, his hand tightening around his. 

“You know, I really like you,” Sebastian said absentmindedly, a content look on his face. 

If Ciel's cheeks had been red before, they were beyond red now. Aflame. 

Those words, at that exact moment, were both a blessing and a curse to him. Sebastian had showed him nothing but honesty, trust and acceptance. And Ciel? He had lied, endlessly. 

“I really like you, too,” he muttered, paying no mind to the weather that steadily got more violent, “but I liked someone once before, and it left me a mess. I don't want that to happen again,” he bravely finished, trying his best to look Sebastian in the eye. By now, the way his heart beat violently and his knees shook had nothing at all to do with the rainfall and the lightning anymore. 

'I should have never said that,’ the thought hit him violently, knocking the air out of his lungs as he looked at Sebastian. “I'm sorry,” Ciel continued, unsure what part of it all exactly he was apologizing for. 

>  


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic isn't dead! I'm really sorry to update this late.. life is just so messy all the time and I hardly even get the things done that I need to do for work and.. life. but I'll try to post more often and perhaps smaller chapters so it won't take as long for me to update anymore and I can start doing it more regularly again.
> 
> I hope anyone even still bothers to read this but if someone does, enjoy ! (:

"You liked someone? Do I know them?" Sebastian asked, bis features having undoubtedly darkened a bit. Ciel internally prayed that this was a natural reaction; curiosity sometimes worked like that. You filter out certain information first and can only concentrate on the other parts afterwards. Maybe this was why he had asked about this before even acknowledging his confession. 

Ciel let his hand slide out of Sebastian's so he was able to fix the hood of his jacket and protect himself from the onslaught of water that fell from the sky, creating all sorts of noises as the drops hit the trees and their soft green leaves. Like a haunted sort of melody, the noise seemed unbearably loud to Ciel, the threatening silence that was hiding behind it however was what made it incredibly hard for Ciel to come up with something to answer. 

Eventually, he settled on a shyly uttered, "You don't know them. And besides, it's not like it matters anymore." 

They walked in silence for another few minutes, their clothes getting wetter by the second but neither of them really seemed to care.

"You don't need to apologise for something like that," Sebastian started then. He looked at Ciel, his hair clinging to his white skin and concealed fear radiating off him in waves. Ciel looked nervous, like any wrong word might shatter him and Sebastian took a few deep breaths, calming down the jealousy and possessiveness that had threatened to arise inside him and take a hold of the raven haired male. He gave it his everything and managed to calm down. "I don't have any right to be mad about that if that's what you were expecting. I mean, it's weird. The thought of you with someone else. The thought that someone was dumb enough to let you go without realising all that you are. That person was stupid, incredibly so. I'm just glad to have you around, you know?" 

Completely caught off guard, Ciel couldn't stop himself from saying what came to his mind, "I'm glad too. You're the first one to ever stick around." 

"I don't plan on stopping," he said and Ciel couldn't hold himself back from reaching for the other's hand once more. His tiny fingers wrapped up in the warm feeling of the taller hand, he grinned like an idiot. 

"Wouldn't want you to," he said and secretly hoped he had brought a camera so he would be able to capture how amazing Sebastian looked when he was soaked in water. Not that he hadn't seen it before, but at least he could openly stare this time. 

..

They spent the evening on the bed, talking about all sorts of nothings that they could come up with. Places they wanted to visit, bands they wanted to see. Mostly future oriented topics, which Sebastian was really glad for. He wasn't so sure whether Ciel had already forgotten about tomorrow and what that meant, or whether he was consciously deciding to ignore it for now. While the boy was easy to read at times, he was also a whirlwind of emotions that sometimes stole Sebastian's every sense of direction away. 

He briefly thought about what he'd been like before, how hard he had somehow found it to deal with most people. 

And he thought about how he had found something so beautiful in his connection to the younger boy that it easily was one of the greatest changes that had occurred in his life so far. 

When he noticed soft breathing right beside him, he turned to look at the younger boy who had fallen asleep cuddled up in Sebastian's sheets and using a hoodie of Sebastian's as a pillow. A hand reached out to brush the hair out of his face, taking his time as the older of the two allowed himself to admire the softness and brightness of it. In the artificial light, the blue looked less cold and more like a warm grey with hints of black. Hard to describe, but definitely easy on the eyes. 

"Good night," he muttered to the sleeping boy, stroking his hair once. He set an alarm for school, and stared at the ceiling, reciting lyrics in his mind until he managed to fall asleep. 

..

Ciel groaned when his slumber was interrupted, a small hand beating right into a firm back as he attempted to get the noise to finally leave him alone. 

 

When it dawned upon him where he was, clinging tightly to Sebastian's body like a sloth to a tree an initial moment of embarrassment and panic hit him, but the boy didn't dwell on that. Instead, he quickly got comfortable again, glad that Sebastian had turned the noise off. He even slid a bit closer to the other, breathing a "Good morning," into his ear with a dry voice. Before he received an answer, Ciel couldn't help but take a chance and experimentally let his lips touch the other's neck he was so close to. The pink lips ghosted over the skin, and without a warning, the boy bit right into it. 

Only to almost die of a heart attack as Sebastian had him pinned to the bed seconds later, holding both Ciel's hands up above his head. As though Ciel was a criminal that had finally been caught, he refused to let go of his wrists. 

In all honesty, Sebastian maybe shouldn't be pinning Ciel to the bed right now. School, getting ready for just that and breakfast all needed to happen in a limited amount of time. But quite honestly when he looked down into those enlarged pupils, he didn't care about any of this at all. Not in the slightest. 

Not when Ciel was being a tease like that and kissing his neck first thing in the morning. The strange act of boldness was probably what even had surprised Sebastian so, it was a welcome surprise indeed. 

Judging by the glassy eyes and the harsh breathing, Ciel didn't mind the position all that much and Sebastian became hungry in a sense as he looked at the boy, all his underneath him. His lips sank down on Ciel's with more force compared to the kissed they had had so far, pressing the boy into the mattress as their lips messily toyed around with one another, the pink skin being bitten every here and there. Just when Ciel turned his head to the side for one second in a vague attempt to breathe, and softly gasped as those lips had now wandered to his own neck, Sebastian decided that this was a lot better than anything else they could possibly be doing now. He wanted Ciel to be his, entirely and in every way there was. He wanted to willingly be handed the allowance to toy around with Ciel's body, and he wanted to be close to him in every sense two humans could attempt that. 

"Is this okay," he muttered against the warm skin, and slowly let his hand sink down the boy's stomach. While it really was agonisingly slow, it seemed to Ciel like everything was happening all at once at the same time. He did however, not feel even a hint of panic now. No nausea, no anxiety. Just all the right chemicals in his brain being released as a reaction to the suggestive movements of Sebastian. 

Sebastian, who himself had turned into a mess of a person. He was breathing heavily, a look of lust written all over his eyes and it mirrored in his skilled and goosebumps causing way of handling Ciel's body like that. Like it was nothing but an instrument Sebastian had learned for years. 

"You can do whatever you want, I trust you." 

And like that, Sebastian easily accepted the offer, his hand sinking straight into the other's boxers and finding his warm erection like was born to do nothing less than that. The bluenette made a face between shock, heaven and a silent demand for more that could only be described as delectable in Sebastian's mind. It pushed him onwards, and he started to slowly stroke the piece of flesh between his fingers, eyes focused on the changes happening in the boy's face. How Ciel kept his eyes tightly shut in embarrassment only to open them every now and in between so they would find Sebastian's for a second before he backed down once more, it was just one of many things that spurred Sebastian on, and his pumps grew quicker and quicker, eliciting the sweetest of noises from Ciel's dry throat. 

"Sebastian, ah," Ciel chanted the name, over and over again as though it was a song that only he seemed to understand. A song only the two of them could ever be allowed to hear. He bit his lips, arched his back, ran his hands over whatever surfaces he could manage to get a grip on, all in a vain attempt to somehow keep his body from exploding and bursting into pieces from all the unknown and sudden pleasure his body was giving him. 

"Faster," he found himself panting then, not even sure where that had come from, or how in the world he had actually had the guts to say that, - but it definitely worked. 

Sebastian's firm hold remained but his rhythm became less steady, quick and intense movements dominating clearly. His breathing wasn't quite as wild of a song as Ciel's was, but neither of the two was anything less than a complete mess in that very moment. 

Everything about it was messy, and warm. And Ciel choked on the other's name as he, along with a string of curses, came harshly into the other's hand, his tiny heart beating at record speed and hammering against his chest. Sebastian picked that very moment to steal the breath right out of his mouth with his lips, and the boy's screams at least wouldn't wake the whole neighborhood thanks to that. 

Sebastian let himself roll to the side, eyeing the boy's body like he so often found himself doing these days. 

"You're so beautiful," he sincerely said and surely meant it more than he had ever meant anything. He still could hardly believe it, that the other was real. That this had just happened. 

Ciel was still too busy breathing and blushing to form a sentence and answer, not as though he would know what to say to that anyway. 

He simply pulled his body closer to the other's once more, wrapping an arm and a leg around the larger body and falling asleep in just an instant. 

Though he wasn't sure how this had happened, Sebastian realised that he too must have fallen asleep only when his mother stood in the doorway, knocking violently against the door before pushing it open without permission. 

"If the two of you don't really hurry right now, you're going to be late," She said, appearing somewhat more serious than she usually was. Sebastian made a note to ask her whether she had talked to Claude already later. 

Ciel, waking up beside him with a groan, only covered his head with the blanket, muttering about being tired and needing some rest. 

His mother grinned then, silently mouthing a 'that's yours to deal with and don't forget the time' before she was gone once more, and Sebastian inwardly groaned as well. Today was going to be one hell of an interesting day, though he really couldn't say that he himself had much motivation for leaving the bed either


	16. Recognition

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally I managed to write another chapter for this fic- again sorry for the delay.. I guess I'll just do my best to update sometime soon, honestly (:   
> oh and if I haven't answered some reviews, I'm horribly sorry again, I literally am too messy of a person to reply to texts like 95% of the time but I honestly get so happy seeing that people like this story.. it will forever mean so incredibly much! 
> 
> enjoy the new chapter, hopefully ! (

The ride to the school was silent; all sorts of thoughts went through Ciel's head. They ranged from embarrassment to fear, from nervousness to a glimpse of hope that perhaps things would magically work out in the end. Maybe it wasn't true that the change of scenery and people could shatter so easily what him and the raven had built up over the last weeks.

Then again, the stronger his hopes grew, the bigger became his fear about being too optimistic here. It was a double-edged sword, his desire to think positively. Because if one moment could shatter all of that- then what worth did his positive attitude really have? 

Outside the window, the scenery flew by relentlessly, and the boy recognised it all, the streets and the houses, the gardens and finally, the familiar faces of the others making their way towards the school building. Before he felt like he was truly ready, if he'd ever feel that way, they had arrived at their destination. Ciel did his best to calm down then, he closed his eyes, breathed in and out. Still, his hand unconsciously sought for the bandage near his wrist, covered thoughtfully by today's clothing choices. He let his fingers slide over the raising underneath the sleeve, letting out another breath when the bandage served to remind him of one thing really. 

He was alive. Definitely not feeling at all fine in this very moment, but he couldn't deny the fact that he had survived up until now; and he could do it again. 

He could deal with the looks, the teasing, the stress... hopefully. 

Then again, what if he couldn't? 

As though Sebastian had been reading his thoughts, a warm hand wrapped like a glove around Ciel's tinier one, a silent promise that things wouldn't be bad. That he didn't have to face it all by himself. 

"Let's go," Ciel found himself saying. No matter how much he wished they could simply stay in there or that he'd be able to hold Sebastian's hand all day long if only for the warmth it provided, he knew that to a certain degree, this was something that he had to face on his own. Sebastian wouldn't be able to take all the worry off his shoulders and the boy honestly wouldn't want him to either. Instead, he desperately hoped not to let too many of his worries show, opting to play the part of a warrior, to his best abilities at least. 

"As you wish," the other answered, and after a short goodbye and some reassuring words from Sebastian's mother, the two stood there, out in the open. 

"I totally get it if you'd rather go inside by yourself, but could you.. at least not ignore me completely if we happen to run into each other? Or make fun of me? I know this sounds pretty weird but I'm not so sure I could handle-" 

The sudden onslaught of rambling from Ciel's side was interrupted with a soft, yet firm kiss that served to make Ciel's heart beat even harder than it already was. He'd expected there to be some unspoken rule; that Sebastian was here with him but that he'd be a different person amongst the other students. That he'd avoid him, regardless of the things the other had said. In no way was it fair of him to fear this- but it was something he'd struggled with for years now. That intense fear of being lied to, tricked or played. 

And after the pictures had been published; that fear had skyrocketed.

But with those lips on his; this person beside him, he could swear that somewhere along the line, happiness had managed into where used to be cracks before. Right now, got example, being able to smell and taste him - that wasn't fear. Perhaps somewhere in the back of his mind it was there still, but it seemed so quiet in comparison to his heartbeat. 

He could practically count his happy moments in life on one hand, and that one realization- that he really must be more to Sebastian than something to hide behind closed doors, more than a plaything to disregard as soon as others were around.. that hit him in the face like the most delightful pile of bricks one could possibly imagine. If only for one tiny moment, he felt like there was not a thing in the world weighing him down. Not one thing he couldn't conquer. They couldn't conquer to be precise. 

The boy kissed him back softly, but not so much so that it could be counted as holding back. It was just that, just a moment of softness in a world that had seemed so unbearably harsh way too often. 

When the two disconnected their lips and the most adorable shade of red covered Ciel's face, Sebastian felt like it was the time to explain some things to him, "Ciel. You cannot honestly believe that I would make fun of you or act as if I didn't care. You're one of the very few people in this world I truly care about at all. I don't give a shit about what the others think and if anyone wants to mock you, they'll have to say it right into my face. And believe me, I can be scary if I want to be. I'll make sure no one hurts you." The words fell from the raven's tongue so naturally, and he felt his anger boiling at the thought that this world had beaten Ciel down in so many ways, the boy honestly felt like he needed to ask him of all people not to mock him at school. Just how deep seated could such feelings be? 

How deep down did feelings even run in general? For people like this boy- unbearably deep perhaps. At least that's what he oftentimes saw in those blue eyes, entire thunderstorms made up of every thought, memory and doubt. 

"I'm sorry." 

"Don't apologise so much," Sebastian said with a tiny grin on his face. 

"I just don't want you to have to solve my problems for me. I know that I cannot stop you from doing it, and as selfish as it sounds.. I don't think I really want you to stop being like this.. ever. And, yeah I'm pretty sure I just completely contradicted myself but.. thanks," the blunette nervously spoke, looking into those deep red eyes. 

"You're welcome. You always are," Sebastian answered, and reached out to ruffle the other's hair affectionately, "But we gotta keep going unless you want to be late for your first lesson. Just keep breathing and imagine them all in their underwear or something. I promise, those idiots are all just stupid teenagers and you're way beyond them and their one dimensional ways of thinking. We'll be just fine. Come on." 

Ciel nodded thoughtfully, though he still felt the nervousness pull at his skin and bones, he also felt that strong sense of safety that radiated off Sebastian like waves of warm, dark blue water. 

The stares were the first thing he noticed. Some discreet and others loud in their obviousness, but each and every pair of eyes unwelcome to him. He'd felt this way a hundred times over, it had always been this in particular that he dreaded the most. Those few moments might very well decide whether someone was going to bother to beat him up or anything later. He'd learned to keep his eyes down, if he didn't want trouble, and to face them head on if he in fact, did. 

Today, trouble was the last thing he wanted and the desire to spit insults back at anyone wasn't there at all. It was all replaced with a sort of strangeness- a wordless feeling that overcame him at being back here- he'd have to come here again. Every day, whether he wanted to or not. 

Feeling like he was being followed by a tornado of shadows, him and Sebastian made their way towards the entrance, and besides the stares, nothing had happened so far. No insults, no punches. Things were going just fine. It unsettled Ciel to no end. 

Until, moments later, a stranger's voice called out Sebastian's name.

At least to Ciel, Joker was a stranger. 

"You've finally left your room for once to go to your lessons. Putting structure in your life? I'm tempted to think your mother kicked your ass," Sebastian began casually as he caught sight of the other. 

"As much as I hate to admit it," the other began with a grin on his lips, shrugging at the accusation, "she didn't exactly kick my ass but let's say she threatened me in various creative ways. One hell of a scary woman." 

"I couldn't agree more," Sebastian answered, and then it clicked- how socially handicapped was he really? He'd simply forgotten to introduce Ciel, who, in turn, had moved away from the two, if only a step or to. As if he was afraid of embarrassing him or whatever things Ciel's mind might be telling him while Sebastian was joking around with his best friend. 

He took a step aside, letting Joker see that someone else was standing there. A boy tinier than Sebastian, looking unconventional with his blue hair and pale white skin- and those vibrant blue eyes. It truly didn't take more than that until it clicked.

"Joker, this is Ciel. He's living at my house at the moment."

The statement seemed awkwardly misplaced and too innocent. Something inside Sebastian's couldn't stop thinking about what it would feel like, to introduce the boy to someone else as his boyfriend rather than something so vague. 

It scared him that he wasn't getting too panicked at this particular thought. 

Though, those thoughts were forbidden territory for now. He wouldn't make the mistake of scaring the boy away just like that. By suffocating him. 

Joker still understood the situation though, whether worded one way or another. There was no way in hell this boy wasn't the exact topic of his best friend's sudden sexual confusion. And in a way, no matter how weird it sounded, the two suited each other in a weird way; as if it was natural for the two of them to walk around beside each other. 

The most natural thing at all. 

But then, there was another thing. Something that slowly took form inside the redhead's brain in the form of naked white skin, bluish hair and a mirror. An image, taken with a phone that had went around. 

The boy Sebastian was currently falling for- perhaps he wasn't even aware of it..

Perhaps Sebastian didn't know. 

But that boy, he'd been head over heals for someone who hadn't appreciated it at all and gotten his cruel amusement out of it. Joker knew some basic information on it all, but nothing precise. Though, the story had sounded like a big, big mess from what he'd heard. The story of a sad young boy, whom Claude had went a bit to far with. 

The boy who had had a crush on one of the biggest assholes at school and had been too naive about it. 

And that particular asshole-   
that had been Sebastian's dearly hated brother if Joker wasn't entirely mistaken here.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> after.. I don't even know how long, here's finally a new chapter. This fic isn't dead! (:   
> im really sorry for how long this took, and I'll try my best not to let that happen again.. if anyone even still reads this story. :D   
> enjoy, hopefully (:

This was the exact moment Ciel had been dreading all this time. He'd known that inevitably, at some point, everything would start crumbling around him. 

Because he hadn't missed that certain something that flashed through the redhead's eyes when he took a look at Ciel. He could tell that he hadn't done it on purpose either; somehow Ciel could tell that Joker wasn't the type of person to deliberately cause harm to others. 

But there wasn't a doubt in the boy's mind that Joker knew about him. 

How much he knew though, that was still a mystery to him. But that didn't mean that panic didn't come flooding through the blue haired boy's veins at the simple realisation that Sebastian would eventually be informed by someone about him. About everything. All those things he didn't want Sebastian to think about him, and all the shame he was keeping as far away from the other as possible, all of that wouldn't remain a secret forever. 

"Nice to meet you," Joker said, and Ciel once again got a feeling like everyone in the room knew something he didn't. Like each person was just waiting to use some sort of information about him, against him. That's how afraid he was of losing everything good that had happened to him. 

Sometimes things could just look so bright and yet dark at the same time, and now was definitely one of those times to him. 

Sebastian stood beside him, definitely aware of the terror behind those blue eyes, but currently unable to really explain it to himself. So far, things didn't look too bad, did they? Joker honestly wasn't a threatening person, and he'd done nothing but to greet the boy cheerfully. That couldn't be the reason, could it?

It was like walking on extremely thin ice sometimes, with Ciel. Like an art that one couldn't expect to perfect in such a short time as a few days. That didn't mean that Sebastian wasn't going to try, however. 

And it looked like Ciel was trying, too. Because he actually went ahead and spoke, sounding relatively normal despite the panic still evident in his eyes, "It's nice to meet you, too." 

He even went so far as to give him a little smile, and Sebastian couldn't help but think that maybe, at some point, this could be the most normal thing in the world. Spending time with his friends and Ciel, spending time alone with him, and at school. 

He was excited for all of that to happen, excited because he would be able to watch Ciel as he became healthier and happier. 

But that would still take some time, Sebastian reminded himself. And it was okay for those sorts of things to take time, he wouldn't pressure Ciel into doing anything that made him too uncomfortable. 

Which was why Sebastian took a step towards him, and smiled warmly at the boy. 

"You hair looks amazing by the way," Joker said, studying Ciel's hair. And Sebastian knew that he meant it, because Joker dyed his own hair a more vibrant tone of orange than it naturally was, too, and he was pretty damn enthusiastic when it came to bright hair colors. 

It was sort of funny to see Ciel's expression change at the compliment, and he looked somewhat shocked, not quite used to such conversations yet, apparently. 

But when blue eyes found red, Ciel found some reassurance in them, Sebastian's gaze calming him down if only for the moment. 

"Thanks, I think the orange is really nice too. Although I've personally always leaned towards colder colors rather than warm ones," Ciel explained. 

"I'm just the opposite," Joker said, before giving Sebastian a look. "What about you? You prefer warm or cold colors?" 

And without really thinking about it, Sebastian let the words slip through his lips quickly, "I think I prefer cooler tones, too." 

"Who'd have expected that?" Joker asked in a teasing tone and while it confused Ciel, Sebastian quickly realised what he was on about. Joker sent an amused look his way, as if Sebastian could have just as well said 'I'm into whatever Ciel is.' 

"How was your weekend by the way? I thought the stuff was pretty good, although it did make me a bit tired, I guess." 

Sebastian was able to recall with worrying clarity just how good their weekend had been. He recalled the feeling when Ciel had first reacted to his kiss, the uncertain movements and the way his breathing had sped up so beautifully. 

"I'd say we definitely had some fun," Sebastian affirmed, "although apparently it did make Ciel pretty damn tired." He had a photo to prove it, after all; Sebastian had almost forgotten about the deal they had made. 

Just one look at the blue haired boy was enough for Sebastian to figure out that Ciel too remembered all the sorts of fun they had on the weekend. His cheeks were a dark red, obviously embarrassed. 

Joker seemed to pick up on the fact that their plan had worked out, and he grinned at the two of them, fully aware of the way they smiled at each other, and what it meant. He almost wanted to congratulate Sebastian, because when Joker looked at those two, he could tell that Sebastian's interest definitely wasn't one-sided. And although he was somewhat worried thanks to the things he had heard of Ciel so far, he also couldn't shake the feeling that his best friend might sometime soon be in a relationship with the boy.

Joker could honestly care less about whether Sebastian ended up with a girl or a boy, he wasn't the kind of person to worry about those sorts of things, because it simply didn't matter much to him. All that mattered was that they got along, and apparently, there was some sort of chemistry between them. 

"Are you coming to class with me?" Joker asked the raven, but Sebastian shook his head. 

"I'm walking Ciel to his classroom, but I'll be there soon," he explained. 

"Fine then, don't forget to bring your book, because I definitely left mine at home," Joker told him as he started walking towards their math classroom. 

"Same," Sebastian said lamely, taking his spot right beside the pale boy so the two of them could make their way towards the part of the building where the younger students had their classes. 

"That went alright, didn't it?" Sebastian found himself asking, wanting to hear that two of the people that were the closest to him got along. 

"I guess so," came the somewhat absent sounding answer. 

"Are you very nervous?" 

"Not really," Ciel answered. "I guess I'm just waiting for something bad to happen, it's the waiting that's the bad part." 

Sebastian was a bit astonished at the honest answer, and while he definitely understood the feeling, he couldn't say that this was the best kind of attitude to handle such tough situations. He didn't want Ciel to worry too much, but he didn't want to make any 'everything will be totally fine' promises either. 

"Well, and if something happens, then I'll be there. And you're strong, stronger than you think. So no matter what happens, we'll manage somehow. I just think that worrying over things before they even happen is somewhat like injecting yourself poison over and over again. But I don't blame you, of course, I just prefer to see you happy rather than worried." 

"That's cheesy," Ciel said, a smile audible in his voice, "but I think I get it. And I'm trying not to worry too much, I guess it's just a habit to think those thoughts." 

Sebastian nodded, because he understood that. Everyone had those thoughts that came back no matter how often you tried to fight them, or perhaps exactly because you were trying to fight them. 

The bell rang once, a five minute warning. 

And they were already in front of Ciel's class, the hallways already rather empty because most people were in the rooms. 

Ciel would need to get into his classroom too, any moment now. Sebastian saw the empty hallways as a chance, and he quickly pulled the tiny boy towards him, leaning down to press a quick kiss on those pink lips, wanting make Ciel feel better, although he himself ended up enjoying it just as much. It was just a tiny moment, but the gesture seemed to help the both of them. 

Those gestures had somehow began to feel familiar really fast, and although maybe they shouldn't be too obvious about whatever this was just yet, it didn't mean that they had to hold back either. Somehow at least, Sebastian didn't want to. 

His spontaneous kiss was rewarded with one of the cutest, perhaps most flustered expressions he had seen on Ciel's face yet. 

"We'll meet here at lunchtime?" Sebastian asked, and the blunette nodded his head dumbly, biting his lower lip a tiny bit. His hand touched Sebastian's sleeve for a moment, before he became aware that he had reached for the raven, as if trying to keep him from going away. 

Sebastian ended up patting him on the head, "See you then, and just text me if something's wrong." 

"Thanks," the smaller of the two muttered before he held his breath and entered his classroom before he could think twice about it and turn around in the end. He could do this, he told himself, although he honestly couldn't say that he was entirely convinced.

Sebastian stared at the door for another two seconds after it was closed, and he really hoped that things would go well, or at least not as badly as Ciel feared they might. 

Sebastian himself made his way back to his own classroom then, lost in thoughts. He took his usual seat next to Joker, and it didn't take two seconds for Joker to start bombarding him with questions. 

"How did it work out? Are you like, together now? How serious are you about this? About him?" 

Sebastian's eyes widened slightly. He'd expected Joker to ask him about it; but he hadn't expected for him to do it with such a sense of urgency. 

"I'm not sure," Sebastian said, and paused deliberately for a moment, keeping the other on his toes. "What exactly we are, I mean. But yeah I guess I figured some things out. I like him, I really do." 

The two looked at each other, and Joker's eyes were filled with an emotional that Sebastian had hardly ever seen in them. Worry. Everyone seemed to be worried these days. 

"Sebastian, I'm not sure how to ask you this, but," he began,"just how much do you know about Ciel? Because a lot of people only know like, half of the story and I'm not too sure about the details myself. I know a bit though and-" 

"I don't know much of anything about it, and he isn't even aware that I've seen those photos. Yet. Although, that's about it when it comes to my knowledge. But I can tell you, I don't know just how those photos appeared on the internet, Ciel seems like he's literally the last person in the world to do something like that. It doesn't make much sense." 

Joker's worried expression remained, because he'd just realised that Sebastian really had basically no knowledge of the situation as a whole. And he wasn't sure whether he should tell him or not. On the one hand, Sebastian deserved to know, especially since Claude was concerned. On the other hand though, Ciel deserved to be the one to tell him about it himself, because Sebastian would find out about it all either way at some point. 

"I don't want to say too much honestly, because I don't like to get involved in those sorts of matters, but Sebastian - ask him about it. Tell him that you know and that you want to understand what happened. And promise me not to freak out when you hear the full version. As far as I can tell, you won't like it one bit." 

Now, that certainly was reassuring. Of course Sebastian wouldn't like the story, why would he? In fact, he'd probably end up mad at everyone involved (except Ciel of course) anyway, no matter the details. 

But maybe it was true that he should ask Ciel. After all the things they had already talked about and been through, maybe it was time for them to talk about that dreaded subject. He just didn't want to overstep an invisible line by asking about that part of the boy's past. 

But Joker was right. 

Nothing good ever came out of avoiding things, so maybe Sebastian needed to change his attitude towards that matter. 

"Is it really that bad?" 

Joker just nodded his head, and Sebastian clenched his fists at the thought of what Ciel might have possibly been through. 

"Thanks for the warning," the raven said, his voice sounding a bit off despite his best efforts to conceal the sense of unease that had started growing inside him. 

Their math teacher entered the room in that moment, and although Sebastian tried his best to focus on the lesson, his mind was currently too busy coming up with possible things that could have happened to Ciel, that could have made him send those pictures. 

In a sense, he couldn't wait to finally get all those questions answered, just so he would be know the reality of it instead of the versions his mind came up with. 

While the teacher was still busy trying to figure out how to use the computer properly, September Sebastian typed out a message to the object of his attention. 

'Let's go for another walk later, I can't wait for school to finally be over,' he wrote, and hit send. 

He hadn't really been sure he expected a reply, and definitely not such a fast one. 

'It's only been five minutes,' it read. Another message appeared five seconds later.  
'But yeah, me too. And let's do that.' 

And it calmed Sebastian down somewhat. To know that the other's first day (well not really but sort of ) apparently went okay so far really made a big difference to him. Sebastian wasn't one for worrying too much usually, but he still hoped that during their walk, they'd be able to talk freely, about the things they definitely needed to talk about. Maybe then, his chest would feel a bit lighter. 

'Great! I can't text anymore because my teacher already has an eye on me,' he typed, 'but I'm looking forward to when school is over.' 

'And when I finally get to see you again,' Sebastian mentally added, wanting to toy around with the boy's hair or watch him draw, or just talk to him. Maybe even just stare at him. 

'And I'm looking forward to being with you again,' came the answer, and Sebastian briefly wondered whether Ciel had some secret way of reading his mind. And whether it was normal that those few words made an utterly stupid smile appear on his face, just like that, causing Joker to laugh at him. Apparently, he was obvious like that.


End file.
